Personally Responsibility is a popular
buzz word in this site and in society in regards to consent
violations (which we will not call assault or rape because we would
not want society to see our community as one that has room for
predators in it). Whenever a discussion regarding community policies
about banning predators arises this buzz word will be brought to the
table. Whenever talking about helping newbies navigate the community
this phrase will buzz around.
Personal Responsibility. It is a
beautiful phrase isn't it? On the surface is seems so empowering.
Take responsibility for yourself and your own choices and actions.
You can CHOOSE and then you get to live with your choice. Personal
responsibility is the concept that we, as humans, cause our own
actions and because of this we are morally and legally accountable
for our actions.
It is a beautiful idea. I even agree
with it. We DO need to own our shit, to take responsibility for our
journey and not expect someone to do it for us.
Unfortunately this phrase has been
perverted to mean that in turn, we cannot look out for our fellow
man. That because we are each personally responsible for our journey
that if we see someone about to step in a pile of doggie doo we
should shut up and let them learn the hard way. And that, friends,
is where this empowering phrase has become a buzz word.
It's bullshit. It implies that I DO
have control over everything that happens to me. It implies that
where I stand today is entirely of my own making. It implies that I
am empowered in situations where I sure as hell am not. Saying that
we should have personal responsibility is another way of saying that
what happens to Jane or John is not my problem. And that is utter
bullshit.
But I can only control my own actions,
not anyone else's. There is fuck all I can do to guarantee my own
safety while still having a meaningful life. I can exercise my own
judgment, try to be aware of potential hazards and risks, and learn
from my mistakes. For the most part, this will work to my advantage.
Yet, there are those not so wonderful persons who do not follow
these rules. I have no control over their choices, and sometimes
they choose to cause others harm, for their own gratification.
Why is it then, that when a grown up
enters the BDSM community we say that they need to have personal
responsibility in lieu of US having the MORAL BACKBONE to ban
predators and those 'socially awkward' persons who touch people
without consent? Oh, Johhny? Yes, he is a known dangerous player,
but we keep him in the community because who are we to judge? That
newbie he scarred? He/she should have personal responsibility.
Jane? We know she likes to penetrate her subs once they are tied up
without their consent, but that is the subs fault.. he/she should
have vetted her better and needs to take personal responsibility for
his/her kink journey. Judy? She is new and we know she doesn't have
a clue but hey... she'll learn the hard way.
Don't mistake me-I firmly believe that
in order to evolve, be self aware and grow as a human and as a bdsm
practitioner that personal responsibility is paramount to our
journey. I try to look at myself and improve. I strive to be
proactive in my life rather than reactive. I own my choices and I
would like those around me to do the same. I suggest to newcomers
that they not assume anyone has magical authority, to vet players,
and to attend munches and socialize in order to meet others. I
certainly do not suggest that they are passive in their journey.
Empowering ourselves and encouraging others to do the same is
wonderful.
But...
When we are talking about players in
our community who are KNOWN to be dangerous, to rape and harm and to
touch without consent the personal responsibility gambit is victim
blaming. The person who SHOULD have personal responsibility did not
and does not as we can see from their continuous string of
violations. When he protect these people,(and yes when we turn a
blind eye and a silent mouth to these known predators we are
protecting them) WE are condoning their acts.
When we are talking about how new
persons should be just left to figure it out on their own ("like
we did") because they have to have personal responsibility we
are being utter jackasses.
Having a group that polices itself (banning those that use the group to meet newbies to
For those of us who follow PRICK (personal responsibility informed consensual kink) please, remember that personal responsibility is YOU looking at YOUR actions and owning them-not ME pointing at where you were not responsible or you pointing at me.
