Rope Making Fun

For Christmas Firm-Hand-Buddha made me a rope machine!  I ordered a tonne of yarn and have been chomping at the bit to get at making some jute.  I am a rope addict (as if calling myself aropedeevil didn't already give that away), and it was very hard to wait!  Finally, we had good weather (I actually got a sunburn) and I was able to try the machine out.

The first few attempts were TERRIBLE, resulting in kinky rope that felt rather bizarre, but after a few more tweaks things ran a great deal smoother!

As you can see, It was smooth enough that I was able to spend a weekend and spin a reasonable amount.  Note that the dark red, and the dark purple rope are treated.  The rest are still fuzzy and untouched. 

I am thrilled with this rope, but I admit, not everyone will like it.  It is single ply, which means even at 6mm, with 3 strands of 12 yarns, the rope lacks that hardness that many associate with rope.  This stuff is soft, alive and not for the faint hearted.  Single ply jute requires more love, more care, if one wants it to last.  But it is also incredibly responsive and sexy to have on your skin.  I may be a bit in love!

When I took a moment to quickly condition the rope, the colour darkened to reveal the rich undertones that make jute so damned special.
As soon as my bunny is feeling better I will be doing some body work to break mine in (purple is for MY BUNNY...)


For your amusement, here is the video I shot.  No go pro, so it is what it is.
Happy Rigging!

Loving Wax

As some of you may know, FHB decided that we simply needed to make low temperature candles for wax play.  This began a round of experimentation and learning, as neither of us has ever made a candle before.

Our first candles looked a bit rough but man, they were a blast to play with.  As you can see in the photos,
the labels are made from recycled paper!  To the right you can see the drippings on my sex girlfriend.  The wax melts at 124 degrees, which means that most skin types tolerate the wax being dripped onto them.

We began to sell the candles, as many who play with wax are purchasing paraffin candles and finding that the temperature of the dripping wax varies.  We had heard a few stories of burns and what not.  Our goal was to produce a sensual candle that could be tolerated by most skin types, and I think we succedded.

However... Feedback indicated that the colours were just not vibrant enough.  Some of the more S/m players in the community wanted a wax that was hotter as well.   Additional FHB was simply not happy with the way the candles looked.

So... We upgraded our molds, practiced, experimented with different candle dyes and voila!

As you can see the candles are much smoother, and the colours are much darker.  The candles now melt at 123-126 degrees, with darker candles being a bit hotter than the lighter colours.

I find these candles are still great fun, and we decided to make tapers, so that candles could be placed in suspension ropes, for predicament play.  Those candles looked AMAZING but there were some issues... Mainly they are very narrow, so they tend to curve from body temperature, which created some issues for use.

I managed to make it work though, and bunny found that the wax, dripping in the same spot over and over, was very HOT, as each drip traps a little more heat.

Here you can see bunny suspended (she is gorgeous, no?) and the candles are dripping away.  They fit nicely in the rope, but I think they need to be more wedge shaped, and perhaps dipped in a harder wax.

Here you can see the wax.  The red is so dark that it left red on her very pale skin.  Also, we didn't use oil, which tends to increase the risk of tinting of skin, as well as reduce the spread of the heat.  Using baby oil on the skin seems to allow the candle drips to spread their heat over a larger surface, reducing the risk of burns.  I was pretty happy with the colours, as well as scene itself, although we had an incident with wrist drop after this tie, my first experience with that. (and hopefully the last.

We are now making Three types of candles.
Sensual Pillars:
UV Black Light Pillars
BDSM Tapers

The pillars, which are all low temperature wax, melting at between 124 and 126 degrees.  These candles are easily tolerated by MOST skin types.  The UV pillars are so much fun!  They glow under blacklight!

You can purchase these at my store at www.aropedeevil.com  They are available in Green, Yellow, Orange, Red, Pink and Blue.  The Yellow and Green glow the brightest, but you can see in the picture above that the other colours also glow.

I am using an LED blacklight flashlight that I purchased on Amazon for $14.00, to use at the trade shows when selling the candles, but I have a bar light that we will install for this type of fun.  I think you could drip wax on your bottom with abandon, then write messages with the glow wax!

I am very ahppy with these.  The colours are bright, even without the blacklight.  (Note that the photo to the upper right is a mix of glow and regular wax)

These are some of our BDSM taper candles.  Note that these are HOT, burning at between 124 and 129 degrees.  Not for the light hearted, and the risk is greatly increased for injury.  Test by using at a distance of 18 or more inches above skin.  I suggest that these are used AFTER a barrier of low temprature wax is on the skin.  I cannot stress this enough: These candles are not 'low temperature'.  Use at your own risk, and please, take care.

Community Shadows

Let's be honest...
Our community, out of past necessity, has some rules and bylaws that are predator friendly. Our need and desire to keep things on the down low to avoid public scrutiny has created a culture of victim silencing and permissiveness in which predators like this one have been able to thrive.

We are a tight community, for all of our bickering, cliques and politics.  We tend to circle the wagons and protect what we see as part of our group. We need to face the fact that predators will and do enjoy some of the current rules in place; rules that protect the perpetrators of abuse rather than protect against them.  Some of these 'rules' are formal, some are more implied by way of silencing techniques.

Examples:

"If it didn't happen here, we don't want to know about it"
I don't blame them.  There are legal liabilities to consider if group leads have prior knowledge that personABC is a predator and they go on to abuse someone they meet at one of that group leads' venues.  I wonder if refusing to hear of such reports will stand in a court as a defense against this liability?  This stance also limits the groups ability to establish a pattern of behaviour, which otherwise would be quickly apparent.  By refusing to hear any report on violence or consent violations that do not occur at your event you are sending an invitation to abusers to feel free to shop for victims at your event, providing they do not abuse them there but instead wait until they get them alone.

"You were in a relationship, so it doesn't count"
Attention all rapists, just make sure you are in a relationship with the person you rape.  Then it is ok. (NOT actually.  In 1983 Canadian laws changed to reflect that EVEN IN MARRIAGE rape is not ok).

"It has to be reported, in writing, to person xyz"
Information that was not shared until 15 years after the gossip about this person started.  Information still not clearly being shared with the community.  What happens when that is reported?  What if the person you are supposed to report to is the problem (not saying they are, I am just being hypothetical here)? Can it be anonymous? Is there a special form?  In my case I was told to be very brief.  Yet I know he was permitted the option to defend himself at length, and I was scolded for not agreeing to send my post to my abuser to read, and for blocking my abuser.

"You cannot mention this person's name in conjunction with the club name."
This is a great way to silence victims.  In this context is that claim legal?  Can you legally tell a victim of sexual assault they cannot mention that the person who assaulted them has a formal position in that group?
This is to protect the club's reputation, I assume.  Sadly, if things are not addressed sooner or later this will hit the public in a very negative way.  I shudder to think of what the post 50 shades media will do with information that rape culture is alive and well in the local scene.

"Be a grown up ,deal with it"
This is one of the nastiest little buzz phrases ever, implying that anyone who can't deal with their rapist/abuser/harrasser/stalker is a child.

"Do not out anyone"
(Even if they rape you, their privacy is more important than your safety and well being)


Like I said, some of this is formal rules, some not so much.  Things need to change.  Preferably before we find ourselves in the middle of a media shit storm.  We need to become stronger, to support victims, cast out predators and actually stand by what we preach-that Consent Is the Foundation of Whatever It Is That We Do.

Problem Solving: How do we move forward?

My community seems to be tangled up in a rather significant problem: How to address community concerns regarding consent violation reports?

Unfortunately some of the more established groups and individuals are feeling attacked, defensive and thus are focusing on defending themselves.  Even more unfortunately this defensiveness looks an awful lot like rape denial-ism, mansplaining and victim shaming. 

Edmonton... we need to move forward.  We cannot do this unless we focus on solving the problem rather than figuring out who is at fault.  This is no different than any other problem-there are steps that can help us to climb out of this and into a stronger, more cohesive community.

First we need to acknowledge that there is a problem.
This seems to be a stumbling block for many.  Many just want to not have to endure the pain of change, to not admit that rape in BDSM exists (aside from CNC), to not risk outing an abuser, to firmly hold onto the myth that false allegations are common (they are not).

The sad but reasonable truth is:
-There are abusers in our community, just like any other community. 
-There are vulnerable populations in our community, just as any other community. 
-Our current way of handling things supports abusers rather than victims.
-Abusers often seek positions of authority.
-Victims are often silenced, shamed and dismissed.

These are not new problems.  The only thing that is 'new' is that our societal shift from "no means no" to affirmative consent has finally trickled down into our BDSM communities.  In 1992 Canada adopted affirmative consent into laws (Source). This change has been a slow and painful one for society, and is now taking hold quite firmly, and shifts the focus from victims to the perpetrators of assault.  This societal and legal change was not on a whim.  It is based on piles of research on assault, sexual attitudes, rape culture and fear response.  

So please, let us acknowledge that there is a problem, along the lines of "How to address community concerns regarding consent violation reports?"

Secondly: Identify the Problem
What are the community concerns regarding consent violations? This is a complicated question, with so many varied concerns.  I will try to include as many perspectives as I can.
1. Predators.  There are concerns regarding predators in our community.  There are a few names that come up consistently whenever abuse, predatory behaviour, rape or consent violations come up.  We need both a proactive and reactive way to deal with persons who demonstrate that they are abusers/predators.
2. Reporting.  There are concerns that if we report a person for assault, consent violations, rape, harassment, bullying and so on, that we will be accused of drama, told to grow up and deal with it, disbelieved and then shunned. 
3. False Reports.  There are concerns that people's lives will be destroyed over false abuse reports.
4. Publicity.  There are concerns that our dirty laundry will be publicized, making our community (and bdsm in general), our groups etc look bad. 
5. Loss of Discretion.  There are concerns that this type of conversation will lead to the loss of our anonymity. That good people will be outed, jobs lost, lives ruined.
6. Drama.  This are concerns about drama.  
7. Blaming.  Many are concerned that this will turn into a blame game.

Thirdly: Gain Support to Find Solutions to The Problem
Now that we acknowledge that there is indeed a problem, and we identify the many faucets of the problem, we need support in our efforts to find solutions to the problem.  This requires public awareness, forming of alliances, volunteerism, activism, and commitment.

Public awareness is already happening, with many shining a light on a problem that has been kept mostly in the shadows. (Fetlife posts, articles, word of mouth, blogs, fliers, workshops etc).  This is being done right now, in our community and many others.   
Some alliances are being formed, with volunteers, activists and other individuals and organizers stepping up to lend their support and work on being part of the solutions.

Fourthly: Brainstorming Ideas
There is no one magic solution to this type of problem.  This is really important to note-No Magic Solution.  Instead there are many things that we (as indivudals, groups, leaders, teachers, organizers, bystanders, victims, allies etc) can do to help move forward to a healthier place.

Some ideas I have heard so far include:

Public Awareness: 
-Continue to support those coming forward with their truth.
-Encourage those who are willing to come forward.
-Pointing out victim blaming when we see or hear it.
-Sharing factual information about abuse.
-Workshops on abuse and consent
-Inviting professionals to share with our community on topics about consent and assault. 

Community Education:
-Workshops and handouts on consent, yes means yes, boundaries, coercion, bullying, victim blaming, sexual assault, dealing with violations etc.
-Clear guidelines on what to do if you have a problem (if your consent is violated)
-Using safe calls, vetting, BSafe, safety spotter, public play etc and WHY.
-How to be told no.
-Clear guidelines on what to do if someone reports a violation to you.
-How to support victims
-Clearly defining the difference between personal bubbles and consent violations.

Mitigating Risks
-Self Defense classes
-Kink Safe practice awareness
-Establishing safety protocols
-Local Safe Call systems
-Recognizing Red Flags
-Personal Responsibility Workshops

Safe Spaces
-Clear rules regarding conduct
-Enforcement of those rules
-Ejecting persons who cannot follow 'do not touch' rules.
-Clear rules on reporting and handling reports
-Leadership Vetting (including open forums for community members to come forward with concerns about those seeking to be in leadership roles, higher standard of conduct rules for leaders, crim checks against assaults)
-Zero tolerance for harassment

Victim Support
-Allowing people to come forward and share their story
-Focus on support over blaming
-Education for community on victim blaming
-Access to kink friendly resources
-Sex Crimes Liason (Sargent Grimes would be a great one to talk to, and they ARE interested in being a part of a proactive solution, rather than merely being the ones to take reports AFTER the fact). 
-Help finding counseling, talking to the police, talking to a lawyer etc. 
-ending victim shaming techniques.

Abuser Supports
-Education on abuse, harassment, anger, bullying, coercion etc.
-Access to anger management, sex offender therapy etc.
-Support for those who actually meet the standard for rehabilitation (able to acknowledge their misdeeds, to take responsibility for their actions without shifting responsibility, desire to change, willingness to follow through with programs, successful completion of programs, NO FURTHER ABUSES. 

Finally, Putting it in Motion
Some of this is already being done.  One of our group leads has offered free self defense classes, kink safe workshops and is clearly refusing access to their events to known predators. Another bunch are organizing a workshop on consent, a round table on consent and another are finding community resources to help with this issue.  

Want to be part of the solution?  Get involved!!
 


 

Update on Sex Positive Centre

Update: Sex Positive Centre

What this is about.

There has been some discussion going on here about a sex positive space here in Edmonton.
Initially the conversation centered around having a space in which playing (dungeon) and sex could both be permitted. The conversation continued to include some community minded ideas of supporting our larger community, not merely making a fuck friendly dungeon-which is exciting!

What Is Happening:

There is a highly motivated group of persons who are working their backsides off to create a Centre for Sex Positive Education and Events.
This space will ideally (still viewing spaces, but so far looks good):

• Have a suitable space for groups to book for meets (up to 25 people) with or without kitchen access.
• Have suitable space for small workshops (up to 30 people), Larger workshops (up to 100 people)
• Be membership based. Members will have access to workshops hosted by the centre and reduced rates for parties and events hosted by the centre.
• Be volunteer based. Volunteers will be able to choose their availability. Their services and time will be rewarded with passes to events/workshops/training etc.
• Be inclusive. This means that the centre will welcome and strive to be supportive to persons of all sexualities, all genders, and all backgrounds.
• Have a play space that is used for parties and available to book for other communities and their events. This play space will, depending on the event, permit sexual activity.
• Endeavor to work with the existing communities and those that are formed, in order to be supportive and inclusive.
• Host fundraisers for sex positive communities in Alberta
• Include a dungeon, social areas, kitchen, gender neutral bathrooms and showers, water sports areas, meeting rooms and lockers.
• Host nights that are exclusive to certain groups (and their guests) as part of creating a safe space. (Example, having a night that is for Transgender folk and their guests only, or an event that is for Pups and their Handlers. These groups will be organized by persons who are part of those groups with our support.)
• Have strict policies governing behaviour with a zero tolerance policy for bullying, harassment and so on. Racist,sexist, homophobic, heterophobic, bi-phobic, gender-phobic, leather-phobic, sex-phobic, size-phobic, ageist or other prejudiced remarks and attitudes will not be tolerated.
• Have strict rules governing sanitation of play areas including clearly identified zones in which wet play and condom free play etc are permitted.
• Follow the laws and regulations as they apply to our adult members only center.
• Participate in fundraising for non profit organizations.
• We are looking at contracting out the kitchen space. Interested? Contact us!

What you can do as an individual

• Volunteer!
• Make Suggestions
• Share your concerns
• Share with persons on and off Fetlife so that as many people as possible can give input.

If you would like to help, or take part is some way, or suggest resources, groups to contact, volunteer, etc please contact me. aropedeevil@gmail.com

Are you a Group Leader?

If you are a group lead and are interested in utilizing this space, let us know what will work for you (space requirements, what sort of fee structure works for you ETC). We want this centre to HELP the existing groups thrive by providing a venue that is suitable for use by many. None of us claim to know what the various groups and clubs need-we need your input now!

Also...

This is not MY exclusive club. This is a group venture, I am just the one gathering public input on Fetlife. Don't want to talk to me? You can message Veronica-Lodge or Firm-Hand-Buddha Or Missy77889 or Kinky_Carpenter .