Loving Wax

As some of you may know, FHB decided that we simply needed to make low temperature candles for wax play.  This began a round of experimentation and learning, as neither of us has ever made a candle before.

Our first candles looked a bit rough but man, they were a blast to play with.  As you can see in the photos,
the labels are made from recycled paper!  To the right you can see the drippings on my sex girlfriend.  The wax melts at 124 degrees, which means that most skin types tolerate the wax being dripped onto them.

We began to sell the candles, as many who play with wax are purchasing paraffin candles and finding that the temperature of the dripping wax varies.  We had heard a few stories of burns and what not.  Our goal was to produce a sensual candle that could be tolerated by most skin types, and I think we succedded.

However... Feedback indicated that the colours were just not vibrant enough.  Some of the more S/m players in the community wanted a wax that was hotter as well.   Additional FHB was simply not happy with the way the candles looked.

So... We upgraded our molds, practiced, experimented with different candle dyes and voila!

As you can see the candles are much smoother, and the colours are much darker.  The candles now melt at 123-126 degrees, with darker candles being a bit hotter than the lighter colours.

I find these candles are still great fun, and we decided to make tapers, so that candles could be placed in suspension ropes, for predicament play.  Those candles looked AMAZING but there were some issues... Mainly they are very narrow, so they tend to curve from body temperature, which created some issues for use.

I managed to make it work though, and bunny found that the wax, dripping in the same spot over and over, was very HOT, as each drip traps a little more heat.

Here you can see bunny suspended (she is gorgeous, no?) and the candles are dripping away.  They fit nicely in the rope, but I think they need to be more wedge shaped, and perhaps dipped in a harder wax.

Here you can see the wax.  The red is so dark that it left red on her very pale skin.  Also, we didn't use oil, which tends to increase the risk of tinting of skin, as well as reduce the spread of the heat.  Using baby oil on the skin seems to allow the candle drips to spread their heat over a larger surface, reducing the risk of burns.  I was pretty happy with the colours, as well as scene itself, although we had an incident with wrist drop after this tie, my first experience with that. (and hopefully the last.

We are now making Three types of candles.
Sensual Pillars:
UV Black Light Pillars
BDSM Tapers

The pillars, which are all low temperature wax, melting at between 124 and 126 degrees.  These candles are easily tolerated by MOST skin types.  The UV pillars are so much fun!  They glow under blacklight!

You can purchase these at my store at www.aropedeevil.com  They are available in Green, Yellow, Orange, Red, Pink and Blue.  The Yellow and Green glow the brightest, but you can see in the picture above that the other colours also glow.

I am using an LED blacklight flashlight that I purchased on Amazon for $14.00, to use at the trade shows when selling the candles, but I have a bar light that we will install for this type of fun.  I think you could drip wax on your bottom with abandon, then write messages with the glow wax!

I am very ahppy with these.  The colours are bright, even without the blacklight.  (Note that the photo to the upper right is a mix of glow and regular wax)

These are some of our BDSM taper candles.  Note that these are HOT, burning at between 124 and 129 degrees.  Not for the light hearted, and the risk is greatly increased for injury.  Test by using at a distance of 18 or more inches above skin.  I suggest that these are used AFTER a barrier of low temprature wax is on the skin.  I cannot stress this enough: These candles are not 'low temperature'.  Use at your own risk, and please, take care.

Justice for Kinksters who are Sexually Assaulted

The Criminal Justice System in Canada has neglected violence towards women long enough. While there are laws that are specifically created to prohibit assault and sexual assault, there are also policies and procedures that work against bringing justice to those who are victims of assault-particularly sexually assault.

It is ridiculously difficult to find justice if you are raped, unless you are the perfect victim: one who was virginal, chaste and sweetly innocent, prior to being brutally attacked by an assailant who causes measurable physical harm and leaves behind forensic evidence. The perfect victim must also remember to run straight to the hospital to seek help, to file a report straight away, and to never contact with their assailant again.

Our current system is one of re-victimization, in which the few women who come forward are subjected to disbelief, judgment, interrogations, accusations, shaming, silencing and in the end still are unlikely to see their assailant placed behind bars.

If you are kinky, forget it. For those involved in any sort of 'alternative' lifestyle or activity, such as BDSM, Swinging, Polyamory, “kink” and so on, although files are opened and statements are taken, all too often the reward for braving the re-victimization of reporting intimate violence, is to be told that the charges will not be pressed, as the courts are unprepared to hear about BDSM, that consent in the context of these 'alternative' sexualities is difficult to understand.

Even when individuals do come forward to the police, reporting physcial, sexual and emotional abuse, they are likely to face stigmatization and unlikely to find justice. In a local study (Sumka 2016) victims reported that their cases were turned away by the crown, due to the inability of the criminal courts to comprehend consent in a BDSM context.

The BDSM community is not a few dozen people hiding in basements. It is comprised of adults of all ages, ethnicities, backgrounds, education and occupations. It is 25-50% of people that you know. There are workshops, socials, conventions in which people meet, learn, and explore various aspects of sexuality. There is a social network very similar to Facebook that is dedicated to these so called 'kinky' people. Dungeon events are held in this very city, very much in the open. Halls are rented, banquet rooms booked, catering arranged, and convention centres used.

It is estimated that between 100,000 and 200,000 adults between the ages of 21 and 59, here in the greater Edmonton area, engage in what could be termed as “kinky”, “alternative” or “BDSM” activities and/or relationships. These numbers are based on the Kinsey institute (which estimates that 25% of adults in that age bracket enjoy kinky activities) and Joyal & Carpenter 2016 (who completed a study in Quebec and found that closer to 45-55% of adults are “kinky”). With many studies reporting that roughly 25% of adult women will experience rape and 45% will experience Intimate Partner Violence, this means that our current policies are sending a very clear message to 45,000-90,000 women of the Edmonton Area, that their right to live their lives as sexually autonomous beings, free from assault of their person, is not being upheld, due to their sexual choices. These policies put the burden of their assaults upon the victim, for daring to choose to engage in sexual activities such as BDSM, under the guise that consent in these instances is too difficult to understand for the court system.

I disagree that consent is more difficult to understand from a BDSM context. I have never been asked by a non-kink partner what boundaries I have, what limitations I wish to put on our encounter, and I have yet to NOT have been asked the same by a BDSM partner.

Consent, you see, is understood as what differentiates kinky fun from assault. In the majority of BDSM communities, spaces, groups and conventions, Consent is NOT murky. SAFE SANE CONSENSUAL, RISK AWARE CONSENSUAL KINK are two common frameworks used in the BDSM community.

The generalized culture of BDSM, here and around the globe, includes active consent of one's partners. Only activities agreed to are engaged in, no additional activities are to be added. Everything is agreed to in advance. Checking in with one's partner(s) during an activity is recommended. These are some of the common practices in BDSM and other alternative communities that specifically address consent. There are negotiations, safe-words and discussions about boundaries.

Yet, the court is so embarrassed by the very idea that some consenting adults might choose to engage in spanking, flogging, or bondage, that if one is assaulted while engaging in these things, justice is denied to them. This refusal to educate the courts regarding these practices leaves vulnerable the many individuals who choose to explore these activities and lifestyles. Victims are assured that their right to their own body is superseded by the court's embarrassment over sexuality that does not resemble their own.

Worse, the blatant lack of accountability for assault and sexual assault in the BDSM community has sent a clear message to those who thrive on abusing others: Within the BDSM community they can explore their criminal deviance freely, without fear of reprisal. Every case turned away is an advertisement to those who enjoy beating, abusing and raping women “Hide here! The courts will not punish you!”

Many organizations are following the court's example. Without an arrest being made many will not prohibit (ban) these individuals from events. Who can blame them? If the CJS is afraid to stand up to these predators, how can we expect individuals to stand up to them?

I am here, speaking on behalf of myself as a victim of assault in the BDSM Community. I am here speaking as a woman, as a person who has the right to seek out consensual sexual experiences that have meaning for me, without giving up my right to being free of assault, molestation, harassment and rape.

the Kinky Tree

The Tale of the Kinky Tree and a Helpless Maiden                                                                                          I walked through the woods, enjoying the soft rays of sun as they streamed delicately through the overhead branches.  Needles and leaves softly crunched underfoot as I walked.  Peaceful.  I inhaled deeply, wanting to smell the musk of the forest.  I froze, puzzling over a scent on the mild breeze.   Was it?  No.. surely not... I inhaled again, and smiled evilly.  Yes, indeed, that delightful scent was one I recognized:  arousal of a maiden.                                                                                                                                                                                           Softly I crept forward, searching out the source.  I moved gently through the trees, as soundlessly as possible, the scent drawing me, until I reached a clearing where I beheld a vision that momentarily robbed me of breath.                                                                                                                                                     In the clearing there was a Kinky tree.  At it's base a maiden slept, helplessly tied, waiting.

I gazed at her, the view pleasing me greatly, for some time before approaching.  Then with care I moved closer, breathing in the air that was sweetly perfumed with her scent, listening to the small sounds of contentment she made as she rested.  She was divine.  Her skin glowed, beckoning to be touched.  Her hair held the fire of the sun and gleamed as the breeze teased it to and fro.  Her body was dusted with the magic of the forest, stray bits of bark and leaf merely adding to her allure.  

My eyes roamed her body, taking in the soft curve of her legs, the adornment of her navel, the swell of her breasts, large enough to not be hidden by her graceful arms tied in front.  Her face, so delicate, the shell of her ear that begged for nibbling, the sweep of her neck... So inviting, so stunning she was.

I moved closer still, wanting badly to touch.. but first to wake this maiden, to enjoy the widening of her eyes, that sharp little intake of breath that comes with fear and anticipation.  So I leaned forward, my hand sweeping a stray hair fro her forehead and spoke softly.

"Hello beautiful"

Her eyes opened and met mine, but rather than a maiden filled with fear and surprise the eyes that met mine were filled with mischief and longing, a need that dropped me to my knees beside her.  Those eyes twinkled knowingly, a bit of mirth and a large amount of temptation peered at me between her dark lashes. 

"Hello beautiful, yourself" she said softly, laughter hidden in her voice, seducing me much more thoroughly than I could have ever hoped to seduce her.  I stared at her, enthralled, unable to help myself even as my lack of words amused her more.

Finally I gathered what little wits I had left, and breathing in her heady scent again I reached out until my hand was but a breath away from cupping her face.

"Would you permit me to touch you, sweet maiden?" I asked.  "My hand aches to know your skin."

She giggled, a musical sound that filled my heart and made things low down tighten with lust.  "I would permit you much" she said saucily "but helpless as I am why would you ask?"

I stared at her, bemused, and spoke the truth: "I have a need for you to desire the touch of my hand as much as I desire the feel of your skin".  My hand trembled as she smiled softly, her eyes darkening, and she whsipered "oh yes..."

My hand cupped her face, fingers caressing.  Her skin was soft and so very warm from the sun.  My hand slowly trailed to her neck, fingers tracing her features, then to the centre of her chest, fingers stroking the pulse in her neck.

"You are magic" I breathed.  My body began to thrum, desire for her filling me.  

My hands lightly caressed her arms a moment when suddenly I knew what I wanted.  I wanted magic.

I dropped my pack from my shoulders and grabbed rope, my quick motion eliciting the response I had originally sought-surprise and anticipation.  

I dumped rope out and began to make art of her, the tree and I.

I untied her legs, unwinding the rope and carressing her legs, kissing and licking the marks her rope had left.  My nails trailed along her skin, fingers moving upwards to her thigh, over her hip and resting on her waist as I admired her.  Leaning forward I kissed her, innocent enough a kiss, our breath mingled a moment as my hands pulled the rope around her waist.  

I leaned back slowly, the rope tightening, as I secured her waist and thigh.  

I let my fingers dance, sometimes lightly sometimes harsh, each motion eliciting small sounds from her that I echoed.

I used rope to lift her slightly, her head fell back with glee as she felt it, her body a mere breath from the ground.  I looped another rope to her free leg and secured that too, so that this forest maiden swung gently from the branch, leaves and bark falling to dust her skin. She lay there, peaceful and incredible, swaying.  I enjoyed the sight of her, held in place as she was, the beauty of her near overwhelming.  

As if she could feel me joy her eyes opened and she smiled.   Ahh that smile held mirth the way a glass does wine.  From the pads of her dirt covered toes to the ends of her fiery hair she was magic, laughter and light.  Helpless to resist I kissed her, both of us laughing as we kissed and she swayed.  "I am flying! She giggled breathlessly"                  "You are, dear maiden.  You are flying, held by my ropes, magic and the Kinky Tree.  Helpless is what you are now!" I teased layfully.                                                                                                     "Helpless am I?" She laughed.  "Kiss me.  Let me fly!"  As she lay in the embrace of ropes, tree and laughter I kissed her, explored her skin and her laughter and in those moments I fell in love with this forrest sprite, this maiden of the woods.  Her laughter, her scent, her knowing eyes spun their magic, leaving me as helpless as I had first imagined her to be.  It was glorious.

More Pictures and Videos of my adventure with this beautiful maiden:

 More videos of this on Fetlife

Community Shadows

Let's be honest...
Our community, out of past necessity, has some rules and bylaws that are predator friendly. Our need and desire to keep things on the down low to avoid public scrutiny has created a culture of victim silencing and permissiveness in which predators like this one have been able to thrive.

We are a tight community, for all of our bickering, cliques and politics.  We tend to circle the wagons and protect what we see as part of our group. We need to face the fact that predators will and do enjoy some of the current rules in place; rules that protect the perpetrators of abuse rather than protect against them.  Some of these 'rules' are formal, some are more implied by way of silencing techniques.

Examples:

"If it didn't happen here, we don't want to know about it"
I don't blame them.  There are legal liabilities to consider if group leads have prior knowledge that personABC is a predator and they go on to abuse someone they meet at one of that group leads' venues.  I wonder if refusing to hear of such reports will stand in a court as a defense against this liability?  This stance also limits the groups ability to establish a pattern of behaviour, which otherwise would be quickly apparent.  By refusing to hear any report on violence or consent violations that do not occur at your event you are sending an invitation to abusers to feel free to shop for victims at your event, providing they do not abuse them there but instead wait until they get them alone.

"You were in a relationship, so it doesn't count"
Attention all rapists, just make sure you are in a relationship with the person you rape.  Then it is ok. (NOT actually.  In 1983 Canadian laws changed to reflect that EVEN IN MARRIAGE rape is not ok).

"It has to be reported, in writing, to person xyz"
Information that was not shared until 15 years after the gossip about this person started.  Information still not clearly being shared with the community.  What happens when that is reported?  What if the person you are supposed to report to is the problem (not saying they are, I am just being hypothetical here)? Can it be anonymous? Is there a special form?  In my case I was told to be very brief.  Yet I know he was permitted the option to defend himself at length, and I was scolded for not agreeing to send my post to my abuser to read, and for blocking my abuser.

"You cannot mention this person's name in conjunction with the club name."
This is a great way to silence victims.  In this context is that claim legal?  Can you legally tell a victim of sexual assault they cannot mention that the person who assaulted them has a formal position in that group?
This is to protect the club's reputation, I assume.  Sadly, if things are not addressed sooner or later this will hit the public in a very negative way.  I shudder to think of what the post 50 shades media will do with information that rape culture is alive and well in the local scene.

"Be a grown up ,deal with it"
This is one of the nastiest little buzz phrases ever, implying that anyone who can't deal with their rapist/abuser/harrasser/stalker is a child.

"Do not out anyone"
(Even if they rape you, their privacy is more important than your safety and well being)


Like I said, some of this is formal rules, some not so much.  Things need to change.  Preferably before we find ourselves in the middle of a media shit storm.  We need to become stronger, to support victims, cast out predators and actually stand by what we preach-that Consent Is the Foundation of Whatever It Is That We Do.

If it walks like a predator, talks like a predator....

I wasn't ever going to write this. I have a list of reasons why keeping quiet is the best of choices.

* Some of you are going to point out what I should have done.

* And a few of you will back away from me so that my truth doesn't somehow tarnish you.

* The resulting shit storm will hurt me, hurt others who have had similar experiences, hurt my loved ones

* I don't want to relive this-not any of it

* I am tired of being asked victim blaming questions.

* The person that assaulted me is sometimes an angry, loud person and I don't want to deal with them.

* I don't want to be uncomfortable in the community spaces

* I don't want this type of attention

* It still hurts, I don't feel like hurting any more.

* There will be people who make disparaging comments, disbelieve, doubt, blame and otherwise add to the problem and I don't want to know who, of all my friends, will do these things (ignorance is bliss).

* Talking about this makes me feel like crap. I am a positive person, I just want to move past it

* It wasn't rape, so according some some I cannot call myself a survivor-I am forever to be a victim and that type of 'I was hurt worse' pisses me off

* I didn't yell, hit, fight, scream. (And I still strongly feel I should not be required to).

* I don't want the drama

* When I tried to share this with someone I really respect, they were of the opinion that 'not (so and so)! He's (not like that, wouldn't do that, valuable to the community, I've never seen that from him)

* Thanks to the few I initially approached, and their advice to just keep quite, deal with it myself, not cause a stir, to be understanding, to just avoid this person, I already know that this person's privilege is larger than my own. (They are being grated the privilege of acceptance and support of the community while I am told that my safety is my problem. They have the shelter of the community while I apparently do not)

My list goes on and on, all these reasons to keep quiet about what has been going on. More and more I was hearing stories of this particular individual. More and more I wanted to know why this person was being allowed the shelter of the community in which they behave this way. Then I started hearing more and more personal truths from other victims who have fun afoul of this person. I started to really discuss this problem with a couple of people (Firm-Hand Buddha of course being one). All of my reasons are bullshit. I am already being told what I should have could have done, I am already being asked victim blaming questions. Every time I have to see him or deal with his crap I am forced to relive every assault and feel the hurt and fear and panic all over again. I am already uncomfortable in our community spaces because of him. So forth and so on.

So.. it is with tears, a pounding heart that I am reversing my stance on this.

Because I finally get that my silence is just as bad as the communities silence and acceptance. My silence feeds the silence of the next person and the person before.

My silence adds to the problem. So Fuck That. I will be silent no more.

### My Truth

Although the first inappropriate comments started years ago when I was still married, at the (3^rd?) event hosted by a large Edmonton group, I am only going to share the details from the last three years. The person I am talking about has had various positions in the community that lend him perceived authority, and implied respect of some leaders in our local BDSM community. This person is male and a self proclaimed dominant. I do not hang out with him. I have never dated him, never played with him, never asked him for play, instruction or social time. I have never flirted with him, never cast coy glances at him. I am polite to him (usually, unless provoked). I have no idea what about me makes him feel comfortable doing these things. I am not naming this person, but I know from previously sharing my experience without names or identifying details that MANY of you know exactly who I mean, and that is part of why I am speaking up... Because statements like

“Oh, you mean XYZ? Yeah, we all know he/she is a predator” are part of the issue.

2012

This person approached me while I was waiting outside of a workshop for my Sir. In a loud boisterous tone he demanded to know why I wasn't in the workshop, throwing his arm around my waist and grinning. I explained I was waiting for my Sir, and moved away from him. Rather than letting me go, he tightened his grip. Told me to 'not be silly' and to 'get to class', making a motion as if he was going to usher me into class. I was not impressed, turned and moved away from him, saying something about waiting for FHB. I didn't think anything of it. As an isolated event it is minor and easily explained away. He is, afterall, involved in some way in the event, the leaders all speak to him, he was just being friendly, (albeit a bit aggressively). I felt uncomfortable but being a good sport I tried to pay it no heed. I do know it bothered me enough that I mentioned it to FHB when we saw him in the hallway (That's the guy that demanded I go into the classroom).

2013

I had just had a wonderful play scene at a public play event with my Sir, FHB. I do not remember exactly what was going on, but I was pretty sub space glowy. FHB asked me to grab the cleaning supplies. I was not dressed, as our scene was just wrapping up. As I went to grab the supplies from the dungeon table, this same person grabbed me, arm around my waist snugging me into their side. “When are WE going to get the chance to play?” he asked. This person was in the DM Vest, and I can still feel it pressed against my skin, the cold material pressed against the side of my breast. I don't remember what I said. Something along the lines of a No (No? HAHA NOT? NEVER? Not EVEN?). I stumbled back to FHB with the cleaning supplies. I am not clear when I shared with him what had happened. I do know I had no idea what to do. He was a person with 'power'. He touched me. He touched me while I was nude and still basking in my partner's touch. He touched my body, and I still don't understand why.

I was understandably upset. Up until that moment I had believed this space was safe- I thought it was a safe place to be naked, to play with my Sir and give myself to the moment. There are rules. Don't touche what isn't yours.. Don't touch. Don't touch me.

He touched me.

I felt wrong. My skin was wrong, my brain was wrong. I felt as if I had done something terrible. I don't usually need a whole bunch of aftercare from play but I certainly needed it that night-but not from the play. There I was, having been beaten, paddled, flogged-tormented until I was a sobbing mess of sensation, begging nonsensically, and I didn't need aftercare for the scene, but *I was an utter mess that this person, this guy I barely new had felt it was ok to touch my naked body.* Naked, my own dampness still between my legs, FHB's bruises fresh on my body, and THIS MAN touched me. Why? Why me? What can I do to make sure this doesn't happen again? He touched me...

FHB and I left. We cuddled and talked and I was just... stunned. It felt (and still feels) surreal. Why the fuck would someone do that? Someone that damn well knows better, yet touched me, when I was not even done with my scene, while I was naked and demanded play? Why? FHB was beyond shocked. In this community there are protocols. You don't just grab someone else's LIVE IN 24/7 submissive. In ANY community grabbing a nude person who is in the middle of an intimate moment with someone else, is just not fucking done.

When we shared this with our friends they didn't have any suggestions, although they certainly didn't stand up for that man's actions.

Understand that this impacted me greatly. FHB and I are still talking about it, two years later, though, because this changed things. I rarely get naked in public play spaces now. NEVER if this person is around. If we are playing at a public event and I hear this man's voice, I am done.

We lived out of town, so it was at least a month before we came back. And I was nervous. Not that good kind of 'doing something new or hard' nervous-but that sort of alert nervous that you have when you are in danger.

The next few events I attended where he was he didn't even talk to me. My guard went down. I started to believe this was an aberration in behaviour and that it would be ok. I even did business with this person when my friends (who new of the above incident) recommended we speak to this person about a play item we wanted made.

Big Mistake.

I had sent the specs via email, but Email wasn't good enough for this guy. It had to be a phone call although I was clear that I am not comfortable calling, he INSISTED. I gave up and took the matter to my Sir. FHB handled the call.

This person still mocks me about this, and has shared my anxiety attack over phone calls with others. FHB took over the transaction, as I just... couldn't. This fucker was triggering me all over, and getting a kick out of it.

See, he has already demonstrated he has no respect for my boundaries in a variety of ways. Touching me without invitation (first time, can write off and I was dressed, second time wtf?), demanding that I disobey my D/s partner when he full well understands what a power exchange is, demanding I call him and then, when I share a personal detail, that calling strangers gives me huge anxiety, disclosing that information to others. I already am very uncomfortable in a room with this person. I am already afraid of what they will do next.

2014

I can't share all the details because to do so clearly outs who this person is, which is against FL policy, but this person demonstrated that they cannot be trusted with a community responsibility they had, which actually soured both FHB and I towards volunteering. He demonstrated that he is unethical. Period. We were absent for some months after that event, in preparation for our move

Then we moved here and were attending more munches and meets.

This same person would demand hugs (I'd decline) and they are loud and petulant about it. “What? You won't hug me?” Then they would thankfully ignore me. I have heard them do the same to others.

Then, at one munch in fall, when I was walking to the social area with FHB, this person walks up, grabs me around the waist and spins so we are now facing FHB, who has THAT look (the what the fuck are you doing look). I have my hands held up and away in that universal “I am not touching this person” pose as this guy squishes me to his side and jovially tries to converse with FHB. After a moment, when it became apparent this jerk wouldn't let me go, FHB took half a step forward and this guy drops his arms and greets someone else and wanders off, leaving FHB and I staring at each other in a moment of shared disbelief.

We immediately talked about this. FHB offered to deal with this guy, but FHB and I both realize that that if he intervenes that this jackass will not be likely to leave me alone when I am not at FHB's side. Wanting to not need a man to protect me (wtf, is this the 17^th century?) I chose to try to deal with this guy myself.

So later that mumch, when the guy sat by me I asked if he had a moment. I said, “please, just stop grabbing me.” He stomped off muttering about how I must wish he'd grab me. I was hopeful that this time he got it loud and clear. I felt a bit wierded out by how everyone just pretended nothing had happened.

The next few meets, no problem. He was back to ignoring me which suited me just fine.

Then, I was running a class. This person wanted to attend. They were aggressive in their phrasing that they wanted a partner for the class. Although I had clearly stated that they did not need a partner, and I had clearly stated the address for class, He kept insisting that I call him, bringing up with derision my aversion to phone calls.

By now I have been hearing other tales about this person. MANY. At least a dozen females have shared their stories of this 'gentleman' violating their consent, invading their personal space, aggressively demanding play or sexual acts. Some of these cases are clear cases of assault. (for any curious, grabbing me while I was naked, while this person had authority in the space we were in is a clear cut case of assault. He touched me without my consent)

Frustrated, I emailed him, refusing to call. I clearly stated that I was also not interested in providing him with a partner, nor describing the persons available to partner with. I made it clear I was not impressed with his instance that I call, either.

He was very hostile about it. Claiming he did not have the address (which was in the same thread he responded in). He never did show and I was so very damned grateful for this.

Then, less than month later at a munch, I am sitting on a small bench and he sits beside me, pressing his entire fucking body into mine so that my entire right side is touching his. He does this with enough aggression that I actually have to brace myself in order to maintain my upright position.

I am pissed. I am fucking tired of him touching me, grabbing me, demanding I hug him, and being a fucking prick and a half. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of moving. I maintain the most neutral expression I can, feeling a flashback to being a child of a parent with a pretty nasty personality disorder and having to always have an empty smile or else shit got nasty. I remain calm on the outside. I am not even sure what he said, I was so focused on being calm, on not giving him a fucking inch.

When he left, demanding I come speak to him (can't explain way for the same reason above) a dear friend was all “wow, you two are getting along”. I explained my reasoning. Maybe, seeing as my shock, my fear, my feeling of terror were not getting anywhere, seeings as 'no' doesn't work.. perhaps if I ignore it. I was not very optimistic, but was running out of things to try. By this time I had already broached the matter with the group lead, asking for advice of how to deal with this kind of crap and was told, “We are adults, we should be able to sort this out ourselves” (And I even agree, but all parties have to behave like adults for this to work-and this guy is not behaving like an adult. He is behaving like a two year,. Touching anything he wants and not listening when told no). I was really wanting to believe that this would be the end of the problem

I stopped going to munches. I even made excuses to not attend a couple of events we knew he'd be at. I missed out on a private gathering because he was at it. I began to withdraw from the local scene and focused on my own rope club and enjoying my time with friends who are very consent orientated. I hated it, this evasion of the community activities, but hey... a gal has got to look out for herself.

2015

Not two months later at yet another event I was with FHB and two others. I was kneeling on the floor passing them things. Suddenly someone is pressed to my back, their hand wrapped around the front of my throat, holding my throat and the side of my face. I started, jerking and heart beat going.

I am fighting serious panic reflex-this is a serious fucking trigger for me that FHB had (we thought) gotten me past with his gentle perserverance and by respecting my limitations. In that moment, with this strange hand touching my face, holding the front of my neck, a strange body looming behind me, I was beyond reason. Everything seems fragmented. FHB started to stand, the girl beside me moved towards me. Then the guy was gone. No hands on me, no touching. Just a voice all casual as he moved away, babbling about a shelf or something. It was him, and he was (so I am told by FHB and the lady with me), that he was moving in to kiss me. WTF!!! We all sat there stunned for a moment. Then arms I trust were holding me (FHB? My lady friend? Not even sure which). Freaked me out in ways I have no words for. I don't remember how we got from there to the event portion of the evening. I do know I was pretty glued to FHB's side for the rest of the event.

I spend the entire event muted. Every room I entered my heart beat went up and I scanned for this guy. I didn't want to go anywhere without my Sir. (some will remember that I did not fare so well with that, as FHB ended up trapped at the house with a dead furnace the next day). I was scared to go back to the area this guy was in, even though I was supposed to be keeping an eye on things and had responsibilities there. I pretty much handed those off to my lady friend and did everything I could to avoid this SOB.

We went through the motions. We did not want to feed into the already drama laden event with it, so we tried to just function around this. At no point in this event did what happened leave my mind. FHB and I discussed our plans and how to mitigate this guys bullshit, and decided I would certainly not be nude around him. (and of course during costume changing, who should come hang out right beside us? I had to change in the bathroom as if I was shamed of my body). I turned down play and rearranged some play so that I could minimize how much impact this guy could have on me. I struggled with the two scenes I was in, to stay focused on the bottoms I interacted with, because his voice in the crowd would throw me off. (Apologies to those who noted, if they noticed, this difference).

The last night of the event this person then spoke to me like nothing had happened. They acted as if we were buddies. This left me disorientated and terrified. If they can't even see that what they did was fucking wrong as hell, … I have no words.

I have since emailed this person, stating that I and FHB need him to stop touching me, regardless of the context. He replied that he has no idea what I mean, that he has not touched me, regardless of the context, but that it won't happen again.

I don't believe him.

Recently we went to a small gathering, and there he was. I sat next to my partner, tried to ignore him. After an hour he started the rounds, moving slowly closer to where we were. He has this skill of appearing reasonable when he is actually gas lighting. He asked me to help him grab a desert that was on our side of the table. I did, smiling my blank stare. FHB was instantly on high alert. We gave up. We left.

I hate to admit it, but I am simply not going to go to anything he could be at. We (FHB and I) switched which events we go to. We spend more time at one group due to having pals there, but I cannot continue like this. I cannot sit there pretending to be ok, getting more and more bitter by the moment. So now we are hanging out elsewhere. In places we know this 'man' won't be. We are not ever going to play in the events this person attends. I cannot see us going to munches that this person frequents, or presenting at events they have authority in.

No, he didn't rape me.

As someone who has survived rape, both the violent media worthy kind and the more common wasn't a stranger but he would not take no for an answer kind, I can tell you this feels just as horrific as any other situation I have been in.

This person is smart. They know how to manipulate others to being their support. They have 'done so much' for the community, you see. They volunteer, they have 'cred' because of it. They have perceived authority, from their volunteerism, their positions in the community, from their 'mentoring', from their age and the length of time they have been welcome in the community. They know how to gaslight. They change up their approach, giving you just enough time to think that it's safe now, that maybe you imagined the slimy-ness of their actions before. Then they do it again. They have built a little support group for themselves, so that when people like me are upset by their non consensual touching, grabbing and sexual bullshit they can count on their friends to have their back, leaving their victims cast out of the club.

But do you know what? I am ok with that. If my truth is unwelcome at your group, so be it. If you feel the need to defend him and tell me to 'suck it up', that is fine. I choose me over him. I choose my peace of heart over attending events he is at. I choose self respect over presenting at events he helps with. I choose these things. And because the only way I can be sure that his hands, his body, will NEVER EVER FUCKING touch me again is to not be around him ever, then so be it.

You see, I never know, when I enter a BDSM event or gathering, if this guy will be there. I never know what I will get when he is there. Will I just be ignored? Will I be grabbed again? Will he again mock me, make sexually aggressive statements? Will he approach someone I care about and do the same fucked up things? I try to prepare myself, so that I can do all the wonderfully aggressive things that so many well meaning people insist I do.

But in those moments, I am too fucking shocked, too triggered, to do much. I am having bad dreams, I am struggling now with intense anxiety. I have struggled with my school work, with my many projects and responsibilities and now I am just starting to figure out that the assault and harassment this guy has sent my way has a great deal to do with my less optimistic, defeated self. I don't have any fight to give him.

And guess what? I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING because he should not fucking do these things. My sitting there is not an invitation. My naked body is not an invitation. I am not doing any fucking thing wrong, why is it up to me to smarten this guy up? Please, explain to me how it is my personal responsibility to put up with his shit or to make him stop.

### Advice on What I can do? No thanks

I know that many of you who have offered me advice on how to stop him next time mean well. I know you speak from your heart. I love you for it.

I don't think telling me how to address this next time is appropriate. There should be no next time. Hell there shouldn't have been a last time or the times before.

When you tell me, “you should do/say xyz” you are implying that this continues to happen because of MY behaviour. This is not so. I have watched other people yell at this guy, telling him to “FUCK OFF” or “IN YOUR DREAMS”. Yet, they still receive the unwelcome attention of this person. I have yet to see this type of predator respond to 'fuck off' or yells of red. They have support, they know how to manipulate things. Look at what happened-you are telling me how to not be assaulted, rather than telling him how to not assault. I can't control his choices-and I should not be expected to.

I am not the one responsible for his actions. My own personal responsibility in this situation is exactly as follows:

* The first time, in saying no. Which I did. And was ignored.

* To do what I have to, in order to be safe. I am. I will be leaving any event he arrives at or attends. If I cannot leave, I will ensure I am not EVERY alone with him and leave as soon as able.

* To not be part of the problem. I am not longer silent about this. I will not be part of the problem by remaining silent and pretending what he is doing is 'not a big deal'.

* To talk to the Person In Charge. In three of these cases he WAS the person in charge. Additionally I did try to talk to persons with equal or greater positions. I was advised to figure it out myself. To not 'cause drama'.

My 'personal responsibility' does not include being required to govern his behaviour with violence of word or action. This shit is not my fault and I am absolutely not taking responsibility for his harassment of me, or his behaviour towards many, many others.

PS: IF you are the one who did these things to me, shame on you.

No, it is too late to call me. Too late to message me, too late to email me and talk about this. I tried. I tried to be 'understanding'. I tried various tactics in order to mitigate the harm you did me. And I say, FUCK THAT. I don't want your apology. I want to never interact with you again. EVER. If you can't respect that I am going to seek an order to ensure that you do respect that.

Want to fix this? Then take a look at yourself.

I am actually a strong, independent, intelligent and caring person. You hurt me. You, over a period of three years have demonstrated a pattern of abusive and predatory behaviour. You ignore personal boundaries, (reasonable to thus believe you would violate BDSM boundaries as well). You touch me without consent. This occurs more often when you have been having a drink or (two?) and that does not fucking excuse you. You feel as if all the persons telling you no and pointing out your shit are being asses to you rather than to face that YOU DO THIS. YOU touch without consent. YOU ignore 'no'. YOU are inappropriately aggressive in your pursuit of gratification at the expense of others. YOU hurt people.

Update on Sex Positive Centre

Update: Sex Positive Centre

What this is about.

There has been some discussion going on here about a sex positive space here in Edmonton.
Initially the conversation centered around having a space in which playing (dungeon) and sex could both be permitted. The conversation continued to include some community minded ideas of supporting our larger community, not merely making a fuck friendly dungeon-which is exciting!

What Is Happening:

There is a highly motivated group of persons who are working their backsides off to create a Centre for Sex Positive Education and Events.
This space will ideally (still viewing spaces, but so far looks good):

• Have a suitable space for groups to book for meets (up to 25 people) with or without kitchen access.
• Have suitable space for small workshops (up to 30 people), Larger workshops (up to 100 people)
• Be membership based. Members will have access to workshops hosted by the centre and reduced rates for parties and events hosted by the centre.
• Be volunteer based. Volunteers will be able to choose their availability. Their services and time will be rewarded with passes to events/workshops/training etc.
• Be inclusive. This means that the centre will welcome and strive to be supportive to persons of all sexualities, all genders, and all backgrounds.
• Have a play space that is used for parties and available to book for other communities and their events. This play space will, depending on the event, permit sexual activity.
• Endeavor to work with the existing communities and those that are formed, in order to be supportive and inclusive.
• Host fundraisers for sex positive communities in Alberta
• Include a dungeon, social areas, kitchen, gender neutral bathrooms and showers, water sports areas, meeting rooms and lockers.
• Host nights that are exclusive to certain groups (and their guests) as part of creating a safe space. (Example, having a night that is for Transgender folk and their guests only, or an event that is for Pups and their Handlers. These groups will be organized by persons who are part of those groups with our support.)
• Have strict policies governing behaviour with a zero tolerance policy for bullying, harassment and so on. Racist,sexist, homophobic, heterophobic, bi-phobic, gender-phobic, leather-phobic, sex-phobic, size-phobic, ageist or other prejudiced remarks and attitudes will not be tolerated.
• Have strict rules governing sanitation of play areas including clearly identified zones in which wet play and condom free play etc are permitted.
• Follow the laws and regulations as they apply to our adult members only center.
• Participate in fundraising for non profit organizations.
• We are looking at contracting out the kitchen space. Interested? Contact us!

What you can do as an individual

• Volunteer!
• Make Suggestions
• Share your concerns
• Share with persons on and off Fetlife so that as many people as possible can give input.

If you would like to help, or take part is some way, or suggest resources, groups to contact, volunteer, etc please contact me. aropedeevil@gmail.com

Are you a Group Leader?

If you are a group lead and are interested in utilizing this space, let us know what will work for you (space requirements, what sort of fee structure works for you ETC). We want this centre to HELP the existing groups thrive by providing a venue that is suitable for use by many. None of us claim to know what the various groups and clubs need-we need your input now!

Also...

This is not MY exclusive club. This is a group venture, I am just the one gathering public input on Fetlife. Don't want to talk to me? You can message Veronica-Lodge or Firm-Hand-Buddha Or Missy77889 or Kinky_Carpenter .

Shibari? Kinbaku? Rope Bondage? Which is it?

Shibari? Kinbaku? Rope Bondage? Which is it?

by aropedeevil

Disclaimer

I am not an expert in Japan, Rope, or any such. I am just a lady who loves the feel of rope in her hands, and when given free reign is passionate about applying rope to a bondage scene with a partner she connects with.
I love rope. Part of what fascinates me is the many, MANY different ways to use rope as bondage, from purely "cowboy", to "people macrame" to a Japanese orientated style. Those different styles and methods come with their own well debated and much debated explanations and definitions. My definitions are NOT the one TWUE way to define these, but reflect my own perspective.

My take on the various styles:

Rope Bondage: Using rope to restrain someone.
Functional Bondage: This works for the purpose it was intended, is not typically designed to look pretty.
Japanese Bondage A bondage style that originated in Japan and has been adapted by riggers in other countries into what many now label as Shibari.
Shibari: A style of rope bondage that looks pretty, is functional and originates from Japanese style rope bondage.
Kinbaku: Shibari with an emotional connection between the parties, creating an energy within the rope bondage scene.
Ichinawa: Kinbaku done with one rope, with the focus being on using the rope to connect, rather than on completing a specific tie.
People Macrame: Rope ties that use decorative knots and twists to create attractive harnesses, rope clothing, rope accessories that can be worn as decoration.
Cowboy Bondage: functional rope ties used for restraint that are not designed to be attractive and are fast and quick.
Predicament Bondage Ties in which the function is to create a predicament.
Suspension Bondage This is any tie in which a person is partially or fully suspended with rope. This can be done in various styles.
This is not an inclusive list. There are many more styles out there, many more labels. Please do feel free to add yours in the comments.

Rigging A lovely man in Vancouver

I recently had the wonderful experience of plying my rope, over and over, on a lovely gent in Vancouver.  The dungeon there (in Burnaby, at Braven's for anyone who is familiar with the place) has an entire building devoted to rope.  There are hard points galore!!

I am finding that more and more my ties are simple, rather than the pretty complex ties I was doing before.

I wind the rope and the moment they seem helpless I want to do other things.. I want to move them and taunt them and hurt them..

Lucky for me this bunny was willing and new of my sadistic bent. 

This picture shows the tie.  I had him suspended, because then I can be lazy and make him spin as I reach for various tender parts of his body.


We played for a couple of hours, winding rope, then tormenting, adjusting rope then tormenting some more.  It was lovely.  We were both smiling after, although his smile was a bit more fragile than mine. :)

He is shy, so his face is safely hidden. 

From this angle, besides being able to see my satisfied smirk, you can see the lazy asymmetrical tie I used.  I really do not care for the traditional chest harness.  I find it hurts, I worry about the nerves on the arm, and it looks... wrong on most men.  It just does.

I loved that I could just tie him however, and the suspension was fine.. he seemed comfy until I started hurting him.

Thank you sweet fella.  I enjoyed our time.  It was lovely to be able to tie a male form, at leisure, and not worry about if the tie looked pretty, but instead focus on the energy between us, and to build the tension with gentleness and pain, pain and gentleness.. You are a wonderfully rope bottom!

And of course there are toes... When I let him down, we were working some pressure points and he kicked... so this was my solution.  i love toes.  Just saying.

Can I be Vanilla? Do I NEED this BDSM stuff?

Can I be a girlfriend in a 'normal' relationship and still have this happy full cupboard feeling? Do I really “need” spankings and pain and tears and subspace to be content? Do I truly require the foundation of a power exchange dynamic to thrive in a long term relationship? Is this just a dopamine addiction?
I recently had a long hard look at my relationship dynamic, my beliefs, my motives, my needs and my kink filled world. I picked at every aspect of my life, realizing for the first time that BDSM is a main part off my day to day existence. My friends are part of my BDSM community. What family I have left are all aware and supportive of my lifestyle. My partner is my Sir, we share a home. We host a local group and try to promote safe BDSM play and encourage discussions on all sorts of BDSM topics. My finances include a budget for traveling to events, my education has a BDSM bent as well. Part of my income is from BDSM items.
I tried to picture my world vanilla.
I tried to remember when it was vanilla.
Was I every really 'vanilla'?
Even when I found my first husband, I was not vanilla. I had these desires and cravings that no one else seemed to have (mostly spankings, lots and lots of spankings). I wanted a power exchange (I didn't call it that then, of course). I wanted a relationship with defined parameters, in which I could defer to him and rely upon him to respect my deference. I wanted rules and fun spankings and punishment. I wanted him to be the sort of person who has enough integrity and maturity that I could respect and follow him. I did not have the terminology, nor the understanding of how to get from point A to point B, but lack of knowledge does not a Muggle make.
Even as we divorced, each lost in our non power exchange cycle of abuse and martyrdom, I was not vanilla. In our division of goods we fought not over toasters and golf clubs, but over floggers and paddles. We both mourned not just the loss of our relationship, but the loss of our kinky playmate. Our decisions to settle division of assets without overly involving lawyers was based on fear of repercussions due to our spanking activities. The little we had learned over the years regarding BDSM communication at our one event (Lupercalia) came in handy during our divorce. Being exposed to people who communicate civilly with past partners in the BDSM community helped us to stay civil.
While in my second marriage I was not vanilla, although I tried so very hard to be. I hated the lack of power structure. I resented the lack of open discussion and the lack of fun play. I resented that I could not pack away my desire for spanking fun with the seeming nonchalance that my then husband did. I felt repressed, and disdained for the needs that he once found attractive and now found 'odd' and 'unhealthy'. I spent a great part of this marriage feeling ashamed and alone.
It was within this marriage, however, that I began to really examine my self, to realize and then come to terms with my own needs and desires. It was in this sexless and loveless marriage that I realized that vanilla relationships are not meeting my needs, and I am not meeting my partner's needs. It was in those last months that I determined that with two marriages falling to the way side-each with me as the common denominator, that I needed to look to myself. What I found, at the crux of these failed relationships, is that I am a terrible girlfriend. That without clear and agreed upon parameters I give without feeling that I get. That I simply do not enjoy non BDSM typical relationships-by nature most people seem to choose polite over honest, ambiguity over blunt statements, sneaking and self sacrificing and assumptions and miscommunication. I hated it all. I hated that I felt as if I could not share my honest thoughts and feelings. The passive aggressive mannerisms and words created a burning pit of wrongness in my belly.
And so I came to terms with my own lack of ability to navigate the politics that come with vanilla relationships. And with that I began to really examine what I did want, what does make me thrive.
I looked at my need for spankings-really looked. I thought about my non spanking parents and wondered why, even as a youngster spanking was an erotic wonderful thing for me. I picked apart my spanking fetish, looking for a cause. I never found a cause.
Then I looked at what I am like before during and after. I considered how I am full of energy after, happy and content and how I feel so damned safe after. I faced my before spanking self with a bit of a cringe, noting that I am irritable, tired, depressed even.. That I feel shame and discouragement.
(Keep in mind I am talking about there being nearly a year between one spanking and the next).
I poked at that. I wondered if it was because without the beating I feel guilty.
I don't believe that to be true, at least not for me.
I wondered if this was some sort of Daddy/daughter issue, if I was just wanting to be cared about in that way that a parent cares for their child. I don't believe this is true of me either. That kind of age play actually leaves me cold. Teacher student? hellz yes. Daddy or uncle?? eeeeekkk!!! Not for me.
What I do know, is that I love the physical part of spanking. The sensations often cause me to orgasm. I know that I love the emotional aspects-from feeling accepted (my weird spanko parts and all) by my playmate, the freedom to revel in the sensation and just enjoy it without worry about their opinion of me is amazing, liberating as hell. The emotional part.... I do feel cared for and nurtured; someone is taking the time to meet my needs which in my mind is caring and nurturing. The mind fuck of it. I feel so helpless and vulnerable. I know that I have safe words, but the trust that needs to be given (will he stop?? really??). That moment of trepidation, the awkwardness of being tugged over a lap or bent over a bench (or whatever)... Hot hot hot. Being treated in such an undignified manner... oh my fucking gawd hot.
I poked at what I want in the relationship itself. That I want someone who takes charge; but only if they are worth following. Someone who won't boss me for the fuck of it, but with purpose. Someone who wants to grow with me, not help me grow then feel left out.
I wanted rules.
Clearly defined rules.
Rules without impeding on my ability to be who I am. I don't need someone to tell me how to eat, dress, be a mom or a student. No thanks.
My dear friend held my hand throughout, encouraging me to not only accept my kinky nature but to cherish it as well. Just as I began to accept who I was my husband left.
Then I was single. After a period of man-hating anger (sorry guys, but I oh so did go through a short but intense period of really hating men.. so much easier to blame the penis than to look at my own approach and relationship blunders and self delusions. Once I moved past the blaming stage and was ready to explore this BDSM playground, I placed adds in the kinky personals (not POF).
My add clearly stated that I was seeking a male playmate who was firm, yet generous spirited; who would spank me thoroughly and explore other BDSM interests with me. Rather than seek sex (and believe me I wanted to seek sex) I bartered for play, with no expectations or pressure for sex.
I went to Lupercalia, took every class, got my first dungeon spanking ever. Enjoyed it so much I was begging for another the next day. I even did some topping, reselling in the feel of doing so, near as much as I did being ass up on the bench.
I met some amazing people (you know who you are) and had some amazing times. More importantly I was really beginning to believe that I could play like this, with sessions of power exchange fun, and have my needs met without the abuse that I was finding in vanilla dating.
Hurrah!!
Then I met Firm-Hand-Buddha
A student, like me, just beginning on his career path. A fellow pervert. A patient but firm man. A communicator... oh my I love his words... we connected quickly, that spark was just there..
We built what we have now, our 'non relationship' as 'non boyfriend' and 'non girlfriend', upon the power exchange dynamic. And I fought the forming of this non relationship every step of the way.
I was terrified.
He calmed my fears by behaving with integrity, by being consistent and bearing no malice to any.
He smiled patiently.
He teased gently.
He held me when I needed holding.
He hurt me when I needed pain.
He took responsibility for his own shit.
He showed me that being honest with each other was a beautiful thing, not a trick to find ammunition to hurt me later.
He trusted me and showed himself to be trustworthy.
He is my Sir. I take care of him.
He takes care of me.
I give him the use of my body.
He cherishes that use and nurtures my body.
I nurture him with my care of the home.
He rewards that nurturing by acknowledging it for what it is.
I submit.
He dominates.
I yield.
He hurts me just right.
I suggest, ask, comment, communicate, acknowledge and defer.
He suggests, asks, comments, communicates, orders and directs.
We engage in BDSM style activities all day.
In the order in which we are served our dinner, in the manner we make choices when we do not agree, in our speech and in our body language we are in our power exchange.
He casually uses pressure points regardless of where we are.
If we remove all that... well I will be honest.
I am not sure what there is left.
Love, certainly.
Caring.
But the power exchange IS our relationship framework.
I lean on that framework.
I count on it to be there.
Yanking away that framework would wound the trust I have for him. It would leave me shaken, unsure and scared.
Our every day is BDSM... every damned day. This is a lifestyle, not a hobby, at least in our relationship.
When we can't fuck due to kids in the house (we can quietly make out still, but not the way we like otherwise) the rest of the power exchange is there to carry us through. I know I can ask respectfully for play, and that he can agree, decline or negotiate a different time. We have written and agreed upon protocols to remind us of our commitment to one another, and those protocols help me to feel safe and cherished, and to know that what I do reminds him he is safe and cherished (and absolutely adored and respected).
When there are opportunities to bicker, the power exchange is there to restore peace.
When I am cranky and he points this out, the power exchange framework is there to do so safely-and I am able to hear his words without merely reacting defensively.
When he is cranky and just needs to be sexually spoiled, the framework is there for him to take what he needs, and because of that framework this taking is actually giving-it makes me feel good.
That comes down and you have two people with their most common link removed.
Can I be a girlfriend in a 'normal' relationship and still have this happy full cupboard feeling?
No, I don't think I can. I am not 'normal' I am a card carrying pervert. Being in this power exchange with an amazing partner gives me that full cupboard feeling. That D/s that I like to call 'play' is actually our whole world.
Do I really “need” spankings and pain and tears and subspace to be content?
Yes... I really do. Those spankings and pain and tears and subspace are part of my sexuality. I do need them to be content. Just like I need touch and kisses and hair pulling and hugs and nibbles.
Do I truly require the foundation of a power exchange dynamic to thrive in a long term relationship?
Yes. Fucking yes. If long term is what is going on, for me it needs to be a power exchange. It works for me. It works for us. That framework cradles us, challenges us and connects us. I require that framework in order to blossom within the relationship, rather than being just another woman sacrificing her self to be with someone. I have never felt this good with another person in my space. I have never felt this connected to another. I have never felt so valued, nor valued another in this way.
Is this just a dopamine addiction?
I really do not believe it is. Don't get me wrong, I like the dopamine, yum yum..
But kneeling on the floor waiting for an hour, making dinner and knowing I am doing what I am directed and pleasing him, feeling him posses every inch of my body, knowing that his words are honest and his intent is pure.. these things are just as amazing as the impact play and the pain play.
So no... I don't think I can be happy in a strictly vanilla relationship. I think my spirit flies in the framework I have now-a 24/7 P/E with FHB, who earns every bit of respect and cherishes me dearly.

Are we doing this D/s thing wrong?

Sir,
I think we must be doing this wrong.
More to the point, either You are doing this wrong or I am not a twu submissive.
I read so many of the forums, I belonged to several groups, I asked questions, I had (and still have) mentors. In these groups we often would talk about the struggles that can come with full time power exchanges and I would find myself remaining very silent. Not because I myself don't struggle, but because their struggles seem.... well downplayed to say the least. Sometimes they even seem trivial.
"How do you cope when He/She asks you to do a chore you hate?" is a common theme. To me this is a no brainer. I do the same thing when I have a chore to do that I hate and You don't tell me to do it. I do it. This is part of life, right? Doing things that are not fun? I mean, chores are called that because they are chores.
And I will go a step further... the only time You ever have to 'tell' me to do a chore it is because I have been slacking, behind, or whatever. In those cases I feel bad immediately because I SHIRKED SOMETHING. I feel I let myself down, and thus by extension YOU. I don't struggle with this. There is nothing to struggle against. I recognize, make a note to improve it and move on.
"How do you manage your dissapointment/distress/discomfort when He demands you to wear something you don't like." Um... depends on why I don't like it I suppose. If I have a valid concern or objection I voice it. We discuss it. Otherwise I assume you have your reasons. I mean... if choosing what I wear (be this a protocol for day to day or just for during a scene) is part of our power exchange then I actually made that choice, right?
"How do you deal with Him/Her asking you for sexual service that you don't want to do" What? I talk about it. If I don't want to do some sort of sexual act with You it is either outside of my limits (which You would of course not expect nor ask for), or I have a reason (I am sick as hell, for example) and need to share this reason. Are there secret crazy sex things that these other subs get asked to do that I don't know about? If so my feelings are hurt that You, my Sir, have not asked me for such naughty things.
Again, taking this a step further, perhaps some of the posters are referring to that lack of desire that can occur when a relationship is not being maintained. This is not a power exchange problem though, in my opinion, but more of a relationship problem. Such things should be discussed well before the resentment and not attracted don't wanna touch you stage, right? Right Sir?
Seriously though, they never seem to really struggle with submission. They don't seem to ever wake up and feel non compliant, to really struggle with the fundamental aspect. They don't seem to wonder if they submit too much, or struggle to accept their need to submit.
I don't see posts on that moment of "FUCK YOU" when their Sir/Ma'am orders them to do something that pricks their pride. I have not read of anyone who blushes over certain indignities and has yet found a way to gracefully submit to some aspects of being a toy to play with, clean, poke at and inspect.
No one seems to be talking about how to deal with those hurt feelings when play does not happen, or hurt feelings when one is corrected by their Sir/Ma'am, or hurt feelings when You don't seem interested and I need NEED YOUR attention.
Certainly I seem to be the only one that struggles with the balance of submitting to You while still being able to ask for my needs to be met too. The line between communicating and overstepping. I also seem to be the only one who struggles with the idea of trusting you to not ask of me what is not good for me, but not also not expecting you to mind read.
Is submitting 24/7 really that easy for everyone else? That their biggest problem is not being 'in the mood' once in awhile, or having to do chores they don't like? Does no one else ever have selfish moments when they want the type of play they want, or the type of sex they want, or the flipping food they want? Days or moments when they feel obstinate, stubborn or resentful? Moments when they wonder if they are really doing what is right for them? For their partner?
NEVER?
Perhaps we are doing this wrong.. Or more to the point Sir, You must be doing this wrong. Or perhaps I am not a twu sub... that having my own wants and desires that sometimes feel larger than my ability to obey makes me a non sub.
Or perhaps no one likes to admit they struggle with these things, in case someone points at them and accuses them of also not being a twu submissive.