*Speechless*

There is just something about waking up, stretching and feeling that swollen tightness bring every nerve alive in ones very, very red backside. To have the first coherent thought of the day be .... oh.....my.
To walk around, unable to really form a thought besides whimsical "yummy", "oooh" and "der", two coffess later, still smiling.  Wiggling that little bit in the chair and thinking wow...
It took me all morning... but my brain is functioning beyond merely stuttering with oooh, and I still am ... really... speechless.

First playdate, really.
And... Wow.

dissapoint me

You bastard

Did I ask you for your lies?

You played hero, you ,

You taught me to be

to believe

You FAKE!

you said, princess

you promised, to be strong

you let me fall

alone

You LIAR

You held me, cherished

You spoke of love, vows

You walked away

No tears

Hero? Not!!

Heros don't run from life

or throw a princess to her knees

and sneer, empty

at her pain

Husband, huh

What a despicable phrase

Am I chattel? Answer!

Without worth?

Fuck you.

You...FUCKER

I did give of myself

I did love, and support

I trusted!!!! TRUSTED you!

and now?

I 'm Done

You don't win, your alone

i won't loose, I LIVE

you disspoint me

I survive

Anticipation

Anticipation... waiting, letting your mind go numb and tingle all at once, will it work? am I scared? Will I beg? Can I do this? Is he safe? How real will it be? Oh my... I can't wait... what if? Maybe I can....Do you think he'll???
Ah, sweet, hot, terrifying anticipation...Even if the reality pales beside imagination (doubt it, just sayin), even if it is silly and giggly and oh so not intense and rather is huge piles of fun, even if it is serious and intense and overwhelming and leaves me a bit lost, even if it is as muggle as a spanking gets, it is all made worth it by that anticipation phase.
The wait.  The nervousness.  The sexiness of open and free flowing communication.  The erotic thoughts, the tingles.. 
Anticipation.. I think that alone is addictive.

Giving power as self empowerment

Just mulling over how this whole power thing works... Funny that it is easy to just assume that by allowing someone to have power or control we must be weak, lesser, victimized and abused and yet... the power of being ABLE to make such a choice, with a partner that does not abuse it, is incredible.
Self empowerment is in so many of the little details.  Taking control of one's own day to day, for certain.  But what about being comforatable with one's needs? Being able to have boundaries that while flexible are not weak? Walking nude across the room in front of someone without any shame, being able to have someone disagree with you without your feeling of self disintegrating...
So many ways to gain self empowerment.
Every choice I make for myself, every stride I take towards being comfortable with who I am and hwa tI need is empowerment.
And.. I like it.. I like it very much.  Long ways to go but..

Taking Power Back from Him

Funny how by the time a relationship hits that point where someone moves out, most women are already way past done.  And yet, after all those years invested, there are still doubts to be looked at, still tears to be shed, still some residual power he holds.
I know Elenor Roosevelt said thtat no one can have power over you unless you give it to them, but How!! how do I take back the power? 
I like to believe that every step I take since his decision, that every victory, every peaceful moment is my taking power back.  I have to trust that eventually this pain, this self doubt will fade.
But it hardly seems fair. i never talked to other men.  I did not give up on him ever.  I didn't believe in castles and princesses or heros with dragon slaying swords before him.  HE is the one that made me believe.
And then. 
He not only took it away, but gave me every damn thing he ridiculed from my past.  I have never been so let down in my 40 years on this planet, and I am not a stranger to pepole making piss poor choices, myself included.
I poor over my diaries, letters we exchanged, replay every discussion and I just don't understand what I did to deserve this. What is it about me that brings out the rage in men? The misogynistic attitude they all seem to bring to me, AFTER rebuilding me just enough to believe is beyond my comprehension...
So many things in hindsight were huge warning signs.  But really, why is it tha ti need to be spending every romantic moment on hyper alert?  REally?? He took eight years of my life, demanding more and more and giving less and less and yet I am being cast as the evil villain.
I want my power back! 

Yes, Mom's Do Have Sex

An interesting aspect of going from being part of a couple to being single when there are children involved, is watching the children to to fill the adult role left vacant. 
Even when they are adult children, no longer living at home, there seems to be some sort of trigger that goes off in their brain, telling them that their remaining parent NEEDS them to be the adult.
I can't speak for other divorced mothers, of course.  But it will be a cold day in Jamaica when I need a child to tell me how to behave and what is permissible for me to do.
I was out for a drink with a male, when my son, who is an adult himself, was told by someone who spotted me that I was (gasp) in a pub with a man.  My cell phone was non stop the entire time. After my drink/date/meet I went to have a talk with my dear son. We will call him JAY.
Jay "Who was that you were with"
Me. "A date."
Jay, "You can't date! You're a Mom!"
Me, "You know that is ridiculous, right?"
Jay, "I don't want to be out and see you on a 'date'"
Me,"So stay at home then."
Jay, "Where did you meet that guy, What is his name?"
Me, "Listen here, Kiddo.  I am a 40 year old single woman who has needs.  I will go where I want, see who I want, when I want and like hell are you going to make me accountable to you for any of it.  I have the right, as an adult, to make these choices."
Jay, "I still want to know where you met him."
Me, "Be careful what you ask son, I will answer you.... I met him online."
Jay, "WHAT? On a Dating SITE???"
Me. "You really want to know?"
Jay, "Mom I am on dating sites! That is just wrong!"
Me, "I doubt you are on this one.  I met him on a kink website."
Jay, "........."
Me "I was trying to talk him into taking me home for a spanking. Anything else you want to know?"
Jay, "MOOOOM!!!!"
Me. "Yes?"
I doubt he will ask me again, lol.

I am a dork, I know it.

So, call me a dork.  I don't care! I am, and I know it.  I like my textbooks.  I like intelligent words and words used intelligently.  Go ahead, laugh when I pronounce words incorrectly.  I know WHY I do, can you figure it out?
I love making up my own words.  I love giganormous hugs and angelisms.  I think somedays are filled with nerventures that can leave a person feeling positively glowiant. Why not?
Yes I cry at cartoon music videos, yes I think laughter DOES belong in the bedroom and tears can be cried silently.  I <3 dungeons and dragons, wizards and magic! I can't draw a stick man, but there is art in my head that I try to find ways to let out.
No, I don't think it is a bad thing to REALLY be laughing out loud during emailing, texting or chatting when I have types LOL.  That IS what LOL means people.  YES I think YOu should follow the rules and I should not have to.  YES I damned well know I am a pain in the ass, high maintenance, demanding, goofy and sometimes ridiculous.
So, what?
I am a dork... Sue me.
LOL (literally)