Rope Making Fun

For Christmas Firm-Hand-Buddha made me a rope machine!  I ordered a tonne of yarn and have been chomping at the bit to get at making some jute.  I am a rope addict (as if calling myself aropedeevil didn't already give that away), and it was very hard to wait!  Finally, we had good weather (I actually got a sunburn) and I was able to try the machine out.

The first few attempts were TERRIBLE, resulting in kinky rope that felt rather bizarre, but after a few more tweaks things ran a great deal smoother!

As you can see, It was smooth enough that I was able to spend a weekend and spin a reasonable amount.  Note that the dark red, and the dark purple rope are treated.  The rest are still fuzzy and untouched. 

I am thrilled with this rope, but I admit, not everyone will like it.  It is single ply, which means even at 6mm, with 3 strands of 12 yarns, the rope lacks that hardness that many associate with rope.  This stuff is soft, alive and not for the faint hearted.  Single ply jute requires more love, more care, if one wants it to last.  But it is also incredibly responsive and sexy to have on your skin.  I may be a bit in love!

When I took a moment to quickly condition the rope, the colour darkened to reveal the rich undertones that make jute so damned special.
As soon as my bunny is feeling better I will be doing some body work to break mine in (purple is for MY BUNNY...)


For your amusement, here is the video I shot.  No go pro, so it is what it is.
Happy Rigging!

Loving Wax

As some of you may know, FHB decided that we simply needed to make low temperature candles for wax play.  This began a round of experimentation and learning, as neither of us has ever made a candle before.

Our first candles looked a bit rough but man, they were a blast to play with.  As you can see in the photos,
the labels are made from recycled paper!  To the right you can see the drippings on my sex girlfriend.  The wax melts at 124 degrees, which means that most skin types tolerate the wax being dripped onto them.

We began to sell the candles, as many who play with wax are purchasing paraffin candles and finding that the temperature of the dripping wax varies.  We had heard a few stories of burns and what not.  Our goal was to produce a sensual candle that could be tolerated by most skin types, and I think we succedded.

However... Feedback indicated that the colours were just not vibrant enough.  Some of the more S/m players in the community wanted a wax that was hotter as well.   Additional FHB was simply not happy with the way the candles looked.

So... We upgraded our molds, practiced, experimented with different candle dyes and voila!

As you can see the candles are much smoother, and the colours are much darker.  The candles now melt at 123-126 degrees, with darker candles being a bit hotter than the lighter colours.

I find these candles are still great fun, and we decided to make tapers, so that candles could be placed in suspension ropes, for predicament play.  Those candles looked AMAZING but there were some issues... Mainly they are very narrow, so they tend to curve from body temperature, which created some issues for use.

I managed to make it work though, and bunny found that the wax, dripping in the same spot over and over, was very HOT, as each drip traps a little more heat.

Here you can see bunny suspended (she is gorgeous, no?) and the candles are dripping away.  They fit nicely in the rope, but I think they need to be more wedge shaped, and perhaps dipped in a harder wax.

Here you can see the wax.  The red is so dark that it left red on her very pale skin.  Also, we didn't use oil, which tends to increase the risk of tinting of skin, as well as reduce the spread of the heat.  Using baby oil on the skin seems to allow the candle drips to spread their heat over a larger surface, reducing the risk of burns.  I was pretty happy with the colours, as well as scene itself, although we had an incident with wrist drop after this tie, my first experience with that. (and hopefully the last.

We are now making Three types of candles.
Sensual Pillars:
UV Black Light Pillars
BDSM Tapers

The pillars, which are all low temperature wax, melting at between 124 and 126 degrees.  These candles are easily tolerated by MOST skin types.  The UV pillars are so much fun!  They glow under blacklight!

You can purchase these at my store at www.aropedeevil.com  They are available in Green, Yellow, Orange, Red, Pink and Blue.  The Yellow and Green glow the brightest, but you can see in the picture above that the other colours also glow.

I am using an LED blacklight flashlight that I purchased on Amazon for $14.00, to use at the trade shows when selling the candles, but I have a bar light that we will install for this type of fun.  I think you could drip wax on your bottom with abandon, then write messages with the glow wax!

I am very ahppy with these.  The colours are bright, even without the blacklight.  (Note that the photo to the upper right is a mix of glow and regular wax)

These are some of our BDSM taper candles.  Note that these are HOT, burning at between 124 and 129 degrees.  Not for the light hearted, and the risk is greatly increased for injury.  Test by using at a distance of 18 or more inches above skin.  I suggest that these are used AFTER a barrier of low temprature wax is on the skin.  I cannot stress this enough: These candles are not 'low temperature'.  Use at your own risk, and please, take care.

Justice for Kinksters who are Sexually Assaulted

The Criminal Justice System in Canada has neglected violence towards women long enough. While there are laws that are specifically created to prohibit assault and sexual assault, there are also policies and procedures that work against bringing justice to those who are victims of assault-particularly sexually assault.

It is ridiculously difficult to find justice if you are raped, unless you are the perfect victim: one who was virginal, chaste and sweetly innocent, prior to being brutally attacked by an assailant who causes measurable physical harm and leaves behind forensic evidence. The perfect victim must also remember to run straight to the hospital to seek help, to file a report straight away, and to never contact with their assailant again.

Our current system is one of re-victimization, in which the few women who come forward are subjected to disbelief, judgment, interrogations, accusations, shaming, silencing and in the end still are unlikely to see their assailant placed behind bars.

If you are kinky, forget it. For those involved in any sort of 'alternative' lifestyle or activity, such as BDSM, Swinging, Polyamory, “kink” and so on, although files are opened and statements are taken, all too often the reward for braving the re-victimization of reporting intimate violence, is to be told that the charges will not be pressed, as the courts are unprepared to hear about BDSM, that consent in the context of these 'alternative' sexualities is difficult to understand.

Even when individuals do come forward to the police, reporting physcial, sexual and emotional abuse, they are likely to face stigmatization and unlikely to find justice. In a local study (Sumka 2016) victims reported that their cases were turned away by the crown, due to the inability of the criminal courts to comprehend consent in a BDSM context.

The BDSM community is not a few dozen people hiding in basements. It is comprised of adults of all ages, ethnicities, backgrounds, education and occupations. It is 25-50% of people that you know. There are workshops, socials, conventions in which people meet, learn, and explore various aspects of sexuality. There is a social network very similar to Facebook that is dedicated to these so called 'kinky' people. Dungeon events are held in this very city, very much in the open. Halls are rented, banquet rooms booked, catering arranged, and convention centres used.

It is estimated that between 100,000 and 200,000 adults between the ages of 21 and 59, here in the greater Edmonton area, engage in what could be termed as “kinky”, “alternative” or “BDSM” activities and/or relationships. These numbers are based on the Kinsey institute (which estimates that 25% of adults in that age bracket enjoy kinky activities) and Joyal & Carpenter 2016 (who completed a study in Quebec and found that closer to 45-55% of adults are “kinky”). With many studies reporting that roughly 25% of adult women will experience rape and 45% will experience Intimate Partner Violence, this means that our current policies are sending a very clear message to 45,000-90,000 women of the Edmonton Area, that their right to live their lives as sexually autonomous beings, free from assault of their person, is not being upheld, due to their sexual choices. These policies put the burden of their assaults upon the victim, for daring to choose to engage in sexual activities such as BDSM, under the guise that consent in these instances is too difficult to understand for the court system.

I disagree that consent is more difficult to understand from a BDSM context. I have never been asked by a non-kink partner what boundaries I have, what limitations I wish to put on our encounter, and I have yet to NOT have been asked the same by a BDSM partner.

Consent, you see, is understood as what differentiates kinky fun from assault. In the majority of BDSM communities, spaces, groups and conventions, Consent is NOT murky. SAFE SANE CONSENSUAL, RISK AWARE CONSENSUAL KINK are two common frameworks used in the BDSM community.

The generalized culture of BDSM, here and around the globe, includes active consent of one's partners. Only activities agreed to are engaged in, no additional activities are to be added. Everything is agreed to in advance. Checking in with one's partner(s) during an activity is recommended. These are some of the common practices in BDSM and other alternative communities that specifically address consent. There are negotiations, safe-words and discussions about boundaries.

Yet, the court is so embarrassed by the very idea that some consenting adults might choose to engage in spanking, flogging, or bondage, that if one is assaulted while engaging in these things, justice is denied to them. This refusal to educate the courts regarding these practices leaves vulnerable the many individuals who choose to explore these activities and lifestyles. Victims are assured that their right to their own body is superseded by the court's embarrassment over sexuality that does not resemble their own.

Worse, the blatant lack of accountability for assault and sexual assault in the BDSM community has sent a clear message to those who thrive on abusing others: Within the BDSM community they can explore their criminal deviance freely, without fear of reprisal. Every case turned away is an advertisement to those who enjoy beating, abusing and raping women “Hide here! The courts will not punish you!”

Many organizations are following the court's example. Without an arrest being made many will not prohibit (ban) these individuals from events. Who can blame them? If the CJS is afraid to stand up to these predators, how can we expect individuals to stand up to them?

I am here, speaking on behalf of myself as a victim of assault in the BDSM Community. I am here speaking as a woman, as a person who has the right to seek out consensual sexual experiences that have meaning for me, without giving up my right to being free of assault, molestation, harassment and rape.

TABOO Edmonton

We are at Taboo this year, with ASPECC (Alberta Sex Positive Education & Community Centre), at booth 125, come check us out!
15% of all sales are going towards the gender inclusive bathrooms at the centre!  We are also raffling off a basket to raise funds for SACE.

A Story was Written on My Heart

The epilogue was filled with hints of rope, friendship and connection.

The words within called to me, and my interest was piqued,

I wanted to know more.

Those first few chapters had some minor adventures,

a great deal of intimacy building,

and my heart swelled with the love of deep friendship just as my face pinkened

with the blush of flirtation and attraction.

Some pages were easy to turn. Those parts of the story were familiar

I was comfortable as those parts unfolded; the friendship grew.

Some pages were painful. There were villians and foes.

Yet still those pages were filled with support, mutual affection, respect.

A few pages were a struggle. The story left me confused.

They challenged my idea of who I am, my labels exploded.

Leaving me uncertain. Excited, but a little scared.

Those pages included growth.

The next chapters were like most stories,

filled with day to day normalcy, challenges, joys.

Except this story was mine, and each word was felt deeply.

My heart was filled with the words of this story.

Some stories are writing only on our skin,

To be felt in the moment, but not taken into ourselves.

Some are written in our guts, held there tightly,

with small parts being released at a time,

Letting us heal slowly and safely.

Stories like this, when written on our hearts,

Those we feel forever, remember always.

They impact us profoundly, become part of us.

They leave us forever changed.

When I noticed that the story seemed to be winding down

I panicked.

I wasn't ready for this story to end.

I refused to read any new pages,

instead rereading the old, clinging.

I was so sad, so stubborn.

I clung.

I was not the only one writing the story

My stubborn refusal to move forward

It made no difference.

Words kept being written, on my heart.

I wept.

I don't know if this story has ended.

Or if this was just book one of four,

or maybe just a very dramatic chapter.

I just do not know.

All I know is that my heart holds this story,

My thoughts keep turning to it,

re-reading it like the cherished book it is.

Feeling the shock of the absence of new pages,

the pain of loss.

No villains appeared in those last pages.

No drama happened between the characters.

Yet I feel the hurt, as if there was a villain.

I feel angry, as if I was hurt.

I feel shamed, as if I am the villain.

With nothing to point at, no one to blame.

This story stopped, here.

A Letter to Me

Dear Little Me

Sometimes I am overwhelmed with rage at you. I am so fucking angry at you. You always trusted the wrong people. You always let people use you, hurt you and hurt us. You were NEVER enough. Not strong enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not quiet enough, not polite enough, not fast enough, not once, not ever.

I am angry because it hurts. All those memories hurt. Memories of the lies you were told (and believed for so long), memories of Mom, sleeping in a drugged stupor on the couch while you tried to be the adult, care for your sis and yourself-you at the grand age of five. And Six. And Seven and so on. Memories of his yelling voice, slurred with drink and frustration, of her yelling voice, filled with hysteria and madness. Memories of his sad smile, her vindictive one. Memories of bad people hurting us, trying to hurt sis. Memories of abandonment, of chaos, of pain and loneliness. Those memories hurt, little girl. And they are yours yet you keep on spilling them to me.

I am angry because you love your parents still. You love them, and the mean grandmother and the cliché pedophile uncle. You love them, and that pisses me off. Hate them you stupid little girl. They are not worthy of love, you do not need them. They do not love you, yet you love them.

I am angry because you still today rationalize it all away. Blah blah blah, those poor bad guys didn't mean it, they were drunk, Mom was sick, it's not her fault, uncle was raised by HER that twisted, mean woman.. Blah blah. Not their fault, huh. Whose fault is it, little girl? Cuz it sure as fuck wasn't yours. Don't kid yourself, they made a fucking choice. They made that choice over and over and over and over. They are to fucking blame for what they did, quite making it sound like anything other than what it was. It was abuse, not some fucking mistake.

I am angry because you let them hurt you. Grandma's words are stones that were flung at you. “Good girls don't let boys touch them” is a bullshit phrase and yet you can still hear her words, see her face as she sat there, sewing and lecturing you all on the craptastic rape apologia message of what good girls do. Why do you let her stupid ass words have weight? I am angry because you told. YOU TOLD, and it made it worse. You knew better, but You told, and you were weak. You told, and got us in so much fucking trouble. You told, and the punishment, to be forced to apologize to him for tattling, broke something in us, and THAT little girl is on you.

I am hurt because your pain fills me any time I give it a chance. It clings to my skin, taints me. Your pain lingers in the air around me like an invitation to all predators near and far- LOOK AT ME!!! it screams, I AM VULNERABLE!! Your pain is a lump in my throat, a heat in my chest, a lead ball in my gut. Every single time I let my guard down, there you are. Waiting to give me this pain, showing me the hurt, making me cry for you because you never could.

Fuck... you never did cry, come to think of it. You were always wide eyed, pleasant empty smile. Why didn't you cry?

I am hurt because I love you. It hurts my heart that I can't go back and protect you, this big me as your big sister, your mother, your loving aunt. The thought of you, so little, so helpless, so fucking alone hurts me, child, because you are in my heart the way no one else can ever be.

I hurt because I love you, yet the day you thought your soul died never leaves me alone, instead fills me with pain, with fear that you will feel that again.

I love you. I love the compassion you show as you struggle to forgive those who harmed you, to understand the why's and wherefores of their reasoning when they did inexplicable evil things. I love the strength of you as you stood, terrified, in front of sis, making sure she was never hurt. I love the optimism you harbour, for what seems like no reason at all. I mean, what reason did you have to believe that they would learn, change, love you? Yet you clung, filled with hope for the future. I love that you believe. You believe in yourself and the world. Every time I stumble, angry or hurt, you are there. That small smile, eyes wide with that mix of wonder and pain, reminding me that there is beauty out there, pushing me to find it.

I love you little girl. I will protect you. I hope someday you will trust me to be here, keeping you safe, the way I trust you to be there, helping me to be strong.

~It's a journey... Thank you for being with me on it.

Personal Responsibility and Consent

Personally Responsibility is a popular buzz word in this site and in society in regards to consent violations (which we will not call assault or rape because we would not want society to see our community as one that has room for predators in it). Whenever a discussion regarding community policies about banning predators arises this buzz word will be brought to the table. Whenever talking about helping newbies navigate the community this phrase will buzz around.

Personal Responsibility. It is a beautiful phrase isn't it? On the surface is seems so empowering. Take responsibility for yourself and your own choices and actions. You can CHOOSE and then you get to live with your choice. Personal responsibility is the concept that we, as humans, cause our own actions and because of this we are morally and legally accountable for our actions.

It is a beautiful idea. I even agree with it. We DO need to own our shit, to take responsibility for our journey and not expect someone to do it for us.

Unfortunately this phrase has been perverted to mean that in turn, we cannot look out for our fellow man. That because we are each personally responsible for our journey that if we see someone about to step in a pile of doggie doo we should shut up and let them learn the hard way. And that, friends, is where this empowering phrase has become a buzz word.

It's bullshit. It implies that I DO have control over everything that happens to me. It implies that where I stand today is entirely of my own making. It implies that I am empowered in situations where I sure as hell am not. Saying that we should have personal responsibility is another way of saying that what happens to Jane or John is not my problem. And that is utter bullshit.

But I can only control my own actions, not anyone else's. There is fuck all I can do to guarantee my own safety while still having a meaningful life. I can exercise my own judgment, try to be aware of potential hazards and risks, and learn from my mistakes. For the most part, this will work to my advantage. Yet, there are those not so wonderful persons who do not follow these rules. I have no control over their choices, and sometimes they choose to cause others harm, for their own gratification.

Why is it then, that when a grown up enters the BDSM community we say that they need to have personal responsibility in lieu of US having the MORAL BACKBONE to ban predators and those 'socially awkward' persons who touch people without consent? Oh, Johhny? Yes, he is a known dangerous player, but we keep him in the community because who are we to judge? That newbie he scarred? He/she should have personal responsibility. Jane? We know she likes to penetrate her subs once they are tied up without their consent, but that is the subs fault.. he/she should have vetted her better and needs to take personal responsibility for his/her kink journey. Judy? She is new and we know she doesn't have a clue but hey... she'll learn the hard way.

Don't mistake me-I firmly believe that in order to evolve, be self aware and grow as a human and as a bdsm practitioner that personal responsibility is paramount to our journey. I try to look at myself and improve. I strive to be proactive in my life rather than reactive. I own my choices and I would like those around me to do the same. I suggest to newcomers that they not assume anyone has magical authority, to vet players, and to attend munches and socialize in order to meet others. I certainly do not suggest that they are passive in their journey. Empowering ourselves and encouraging others to do the same is wonderful.

But...

When we are talking about players in our community who are KNOWN to be dangerous, to rape and harm and to touch without consent the personal responsibility gambit is victim blaming. The person who SHOULD have personal responsibility did not and does not as we can see from their continuous string of violations. When he protect these people,(and yes when we turn a blind eye and a silent mouth to these known predators we are protecting them) WE are condoning their acts.

When we are talking about how new persons should be just left to figure it out on their own ("like we did") because they have to have personal responsibility we are being utter jackasses.

Having a group that polices itself (banning those that use the group to meet newbies to abuse play with, greeting in pairs to prevent mishaps etc) and welcomes newcomers, shares information with them and answers questions does not dis-empower the newcomer. It gives them the tools they need to be able to make responsible choices (or not, as they choose).

For those of us who follow PRICK (personal responsibility informed consensual kink) please, remember that personal responsibility is YOU looking at YOUR actions and owning them-not ME pointing at where you were not responsible or you pointing at me.