Can I be Vanilla? Do I NEED this BDSM stuff?

Can I be a girlfriend in a 'normal' relationship and still have this happy full cupboard feeling? Do I really “need” spankings and pain and tears and subspace to be content? Do I truly require the foundation of a power exchange dynamic to thrive in a long term relationship? Is this just a dopamine addiction?
I recently had a long hard look at my relationship dynamic, my beliefs, my motives, my needs and my kink filled world. I picked at every aspect of my life, realizing for the first time that BDSM is a main part off my day to day existence. My friends are part of my BDSM community. What family I have left are all aware and supportive of my lifestyle. My partner is my Sir, we share a home. We host a local group and try to promote safe BDSM play and encourage discussions on all sorts of BDSM topics. My finances include a budget for traveling to events, my education has a BDSM bent as well. Part of my income is from BDSM items.
I tried to picture my world vanilla.
I tried to remember when it was vanilla.
Was I every really 'vanilla'?
Even when I found my first husband, I was not vanilla. I had these desires and cravings that no one else seemed to have (mostly spankings, lots and lots of spankings). I wanted a power exchange (I didn't call it that then, of course). I wanted a relationship with defined parameters, in which I could defer to him and rely upon him to respect my deference. I wanted rules and fun spankings and punishment. I wanted him to be the sort of person who has enough integrity and maturity that I could respect and follow him. I did not have the terminology, nor the understanding of how to get from point A to point B, but lack of knowledge does not a Muggle make.
Even as we divorced, each lost in our non power exchange cycle of abuse and martyrdom, I was not vanilla. In our division of goods we fought not over toasters and golf clubs, but over floggers and paddles. We both mourned not just the loss of our relationship, but the loss of our kinky playmate. Our decisions to settle division of assets without overly involving lawyers was based on fear of repercussions due to our spanking activities. The little we had learned over the years regarding BDSM communication at our one event (Lupercalia) came in handy during our divorce. Being exposed to people who communicate civilly with past partners in the BDSM community helped us to stay civil.
While in my second marriage I was not vanilla, although I tried so very hard to be. I hated the lack of power structure. I resented the lack of open discussion and the lack of fun play. I resented that I could not pack away my desire for spanking fun with the seeming nonchalance that my then husband did. I felt repressed, and disdained for the needs that he once found attractive and now found 'odd' and 'unhealthy'. I spent a great part of this marriage feeling ashamed and alone.
It was within this marriage, however, that I began to really examine my self, to realize and then come to terms with my own needs and desires. It was in this sexless and loveless marriage that I realized that vanilla relationships are not meeting my needs, and I am not meeting my partner's needs. It was in those last months that I determined that with two marriages falling to the way side-each with me as the common denominator, that I needed to look to myself. What I found, at the crux of these failed relationships, is that I am a terrible girlfriend. That without clear and agreed upon parameters I give without feeling that I get. That I simply do not enjoy non BDSM typical relationships-by nature most people seem to choose polite over honest, ambiguity over blunt statements, sneaking and self sacrificing and assumptions and miscommunication. I hated it all. I hated that I felt as if I could not share my honest thoughts and feelings. The passive aggressive mannerisms and words created a burning pit of wrongness in my belly.
And so I came to terms with my own lack of ability to navigate the politics that come with vanilla relationships. And with that I began to really examine what I did want, what does make me thrive.
I looked at my need for spankings-really looked. I thought about my non spanking parents and wondered why, even as a youngster spanking was an erotic wonderful thing for me. I picked apart my spanking fetish, looking for a cause. I never found a cause.
Then I looked at what I am like before during and after. I considered how I am full of energy after, happy and content and how I feel so damned safe after. I faced my before spanking self with a bit of a cringe, noting that I am irritable, tired, depressed even.. That I feel shame and discouragement.
(Keep in mind I am talking about there being nearly a year between one spanking and the next).
I poked at that. I wondered if it was because without the beating I feel guilty.
I don't believe that to be true, at least not for me.
I wondered if this was some sort of Daddy/daughter issue, if I was just wanting to be cared about in that way that a parent cares for their child. I don't believe this is true of me either. That kind of age play actually leaves me cold. Teacher student? hellz yes. Daddy or uncle?? eeeeekkk!!! Not for me.
What I do know, is that I love the physical part of spanking. The sensations often cause me to orgasm. I know that I love the emotional aspects-from feeling accepted (my weird spanko parts and all) by my playmate, the freedom to revel in the sensation and just enjoy it without worry about their opinion of me is amazing, liberating as hell. The emotional part.... I do feel cared for and nurtured; someone is taking the time to meet my needs which in my mind is caring and nurturing. The mind fuck of it. I feel so helpless and vulnerable. I know that I have safe words, but the trust that needs to be given (will he stop?? really??). That moment of trepidation, the awkwardness of being tugged over a lap or bent over a bench (or whatever)... Hot hot hot. Being treated in such an undignified manner... oh my fucking gawd hot.
I poked at what I want in the relationship itself. That I want someone who takes charge; but only if they are worth following. Someone who won't boss me for the fuck of it, but with purpose. Someone who wants to grow with me, not help me grow then feel left out.
I wanted rules.
Clearly defined rules.
Rules without impeding on my ability to be who I am. I don't need someone to tell me how to eat, dress, be a mom or a student. No thanks.
My dear friend held my hand throughout, encouraging me to not only accept my kinky nature but to cherish it as well. Just as I began to accept who I was my husband left.
Then I was single. After a period of man-hating anger (sorry guys, but I oh so did go through a short but intense period of really hating men.. so much easier to blame the penis than to look at my own approach and relationship blunders and self delusions. Once I moved past the blaming stage and was ready to explore this BDSM playground, I placed adds in the kinky personals (not POF).
My add clearly stated that I was seeking a male playmate who was firm, yet generous spirited; who would spank me thoroughly and explore other BDSM interests with me. Rather than seek sex (and believe me I wanted to seek sex) I bartered for play, with no expectations or pressure for sex.
I went to Lupercalia, took every class, got my first dungeon spanking ever. Enjoyed it so much I was begging for another the next day. I even did some topping, reselling in the feel of doing so, near as much as I did being ass up on the bench.
I met some amazing people (you know who you are) and had some amazing times. More importantly I was really beginning to believe that I could play like this, with sessions of power exchange fun, and have my needs met without the abuse that I was finding in vanilla dating.
Hurrah!!
Then I met Firm-Hand-Buddha
A student, like me, just beginning on his career path. A fellow pervert. A patient but firm man. A communicator... oh my I love his words... we connected quickly, that spark was just there..
We built what we have now, our 'non relationship' as 'non boyfriend' and 'non girlfriend', upon the power exchange dynamic. And I fought the forming of this non relationship every step of the way.
I was terrified.
He calmed my fears by behaving with integrity, by being consistent and bearing no malice to any.
He smiled patiently.
He teased gently.
He held me when I needed holding.
He hurt me when I needed pain.
He took responsibility for his own shit.
He showed me that being honest with each other was a beautiful thing, not a trick to find ammunition to hurt me later.
He trusted me and showed himself to be trustworthy.
He is my Sir. I take care of him.
He takes care of me.
I give him the use of my body.
He cherishes that use and nurtures my body.
I nurture him with my care of the home.
He rewards that nurturing by acknowledging it for what it is.
I submit.
He dominates.
I yield.
He hurts me just right.
I suggest, ask, comment, communicate, acknowledge and defer.
He suggests, asks, comments, communicates, orders and directs.
We engage in BDSM style activities all day.
In the order in which we are served our dinner, in the manner we make choices when we do not agree, in our speech and in our body language we are in our power exchange.
He casually uses pressure points regardless of where we are.
If we remove all that... well I will be honest.
I am not sure what there is left.
Love, certainly.
Caring.
But the power exchange IS our relationship framework.
I lean on that framework.
I count on it to be there.
Yanking away that framework would wound the trust I have for him. It would leave me shaken, unsure and scared.
Our every day is BDSM... every damned day. This is a lifestyle, not a hobby, at least in our relationship.
When we can't fuck due to kids in the house (we can quietly make out still, but not the way we like otherwise) the rest of the power exchange is there to carry us through. I know I can ask respectfully for play, and that he can agree, decline or negotiate a different time. We have written and agreed upon protocols to remind us of our commitment to one another, and those protocols help me to feel safe and cherished, and to know that what I do reminds him he is safe and cherished (and absolutely adored and respected).
When there are opportunities to bicker, the power exchange is there to restore peace.
When I am cranky and he points this out, the power exchange framework is there to do so safely-and I am able to hear his words without merely reacting defensively.
When he is cranky and just needs to be sexually spoiled, the framework is there for him to take what he needs, and because of that framework this taking is actually giving-it makes me feel good.
That comes down and you have two people with their most common link removed.
Can I be a girlfriend in a 'normal' relationship and still have this happy full cupboard feeling?
No, I don't think I can. I am not 'normal' I am a card carrying pervert. Being in this power exchange with an amazing partner gives me that full cupboard feeling. That D/s that I like to call 'play' is actually our whole world.
Do I really “need” spankings and pain and tears and subspace to be content?
Yes... I really do. Those spankings and pain and tears and subspace are part of my sexuality. I do need them to be content. Just like I need touch and kisses and hair pulling and hugs and nibbles.
Do I truly require the foundation of a power exchange dynamic to thrive in a long term relationship?
Yes. Fucking yes. If long term is what is going on, for me it needs to be a power exchange. It works for me. It works for us. That framework cradles us, challenges us and connects us. I require that framework in order to blossom within the relationship, rather than being just another woman sacrificing her self to be with someone. I have never felt this good with another person in my space. I have never felt this connected to another. I have never felt so valued, nor valued another in this way.
Is this just a dopamine addiction?
I really do not believe it is. Don't get me wrong, I like the dopamine, yum yum..
But kneeling on the floor waiting for an hour, making dinner and knowing I am doing what I am directed and pleasing him, feeling him posses every inch of my body, knowing that his words are honest and his intent is pure.. these things are just as amazing as the impact play and the pain play.
So no... I don't think I can be happy in a strictly vanilla relationship. I think my spirit flies in the framework I have now-a 24/7 P/E with FHB, who earns every bit of respect and cherishes me dearly.

Are we doing this D/s thing wrong?

Sir,
I think we must be doing this wrong.
More to the point, either You are doing this wrong or I am not a twu submissive.
I read so many of the forums, I belonged to several groups, I asked questions, I had (and still have) mentors. In these groups we often would talk about the struggles that can come with full time power exchanges and I would find myself remaining very silent. Not because I myself don't struggle, but because their struggles seem.... well downplayed to say the least. Sometimes they even seem trivial.
"How do you cope when He/She asks you to do a chore you hate?" is a common theme. To me this is a no brainer. I do the same thing when I have a chore to do that I hate and You don't tell me to do it. I do it. This is part of life, right? Doing things that are not fun? I mean, chores are called that because they are chores.
And I will go a step further... the only time You ever have to 'tell' me to do a chore it is because I have been slacking, behind, or whatever. In those cases I feel bad immediately because I SHIRKED SOMETHING. I feel I let myself down, and thus by extension YOU. I don't struggle with this. There is nothing to struggle against. I recognize, make a note to improve it and move on.
"How do you manage your dissapointment/distress/discomfort when He demands you to wear something you don't like." Um... depends on why I don't like it I suppose. If I have a valid concern or objection I voice it. We discuss it. Otherwise I assume you have your reasons. I mean... if choosing what I wear (be this a protocol for day to day or just for during a scene) is part of our power exchange then I actually made that choice, right?
"How do you deal with Him/Her asking you for sexual service that you don't want to do" What? I talk about it. If I don't want to do some sort of sexual act with You it is either outside of my limits (which You would of course not expect nor ask for), or I have a reason (I am sick as hell, for example) and need to share this reason. Are there secret crazy sex things that these other subs get asked to do that I don't know about? If so my feelings are hurt that You, my Sir, have not asked me for such naughty things.
Again, taking this a step further, perhaps some of the posters are referring to that lack of desire that can occur when a relationship is not being maintained. This is not a power exchange problem though, in my opinion, but more of a relationship problem. Such things should be discussed well before the resentment and not attracted don't wanna touch you stage, right? Right Sir?
Seriously though, they never seem to really struggle with submission. They don't seem to ever wake up and feel non compliant, to really struggle with the fundamental aspect. They don't seem to wonder if they submit too much, or struggle to accept their need to submit.
I don't see posts on that moment of "FUCK YOU" when their Sir/Ma'am orders them to do something that pricks their pride. I have not read of anyone who blushes over certain indignities and has yet found a way to gracefully submit to some aspects of being a toy to play with, clean, poke at and inspect.
No one seems to be talking about how to deal with those hurt feelings when play does not happen, or hurt feelings when one is corrected by their Sir/Ma'am, or hurt feelings when You don't seem interested and I need NEED YOUR attention.
Certainly I seem to be the only one that struggles with the balance of submitting to You while still being able to ask for my needs to be met too. The line between communicating and overstepping. I also seem to be the only one who struggles with the idea of trusting you to not ask of me what is not good for me, but not also not expecting you to mind read.
Is submitting 24/7 really that easy for everyone else? That their biggest problem is not being 'in the mood' once in awhile, or having to do chores they don't like? Does no one else ever have selfish moments when they want the type of play they want, or the type of sex they want, or the flipping food they want? Days or moments when they feel obstinate, stubborn or resentful? Moments when they wonder if they are really doing what is right for them? For their partner?
NEVER?
Perhaps we are doing this wrong.. Or more to the point Sir, You must be doing this wrong. Or perhaps I am not a twu sub... that having my own wants and desires that sometimes feel larger than my ability to obey makes me a non sub.
Or perhaps no one likes to admit they struggle with these things, in case someone points at them and accuses them of also not being a twu submissive.

Introduction to a sadistic, devious FemDom (me)

All names have been changed. This series is a mix of fact and fiction
I am starting at the beginning... if you want to skip the introspection and go to the 'fun parts' go to part TWO.
A while back a dear dear friend of mine, Daniel, trusted me enough to ask me to play a role in his fantasy. He wanted to spend several days being utterly owned and dominated by a female (I guess that would be me), or females (plural). I agreed to consider it and then spent a couple of months trying to envision it, exploring my thoughts on it.
I rope top easily, it's true. I have done a great deal of topping within a scene or session. I love flogging and I am a spanking enthusiast, (all types of spankings, it is my MAIN fetish). In my mind, however, Topping is mostly a physical thing. Yes, I use mind tricks and role play. But a Domme... well that is different. I was not sure I could take him where he wanted to go. I was not sure I could let my sadist out without dire consequences. I know myself fairly well. I can be incredibly mean-and enjoy every moment of my victim's suffering. I keep this in check, for a few reasons. First and foremost, it makes me very uncomfortable with myself. Secondly, I have never had access to a pain slut/emotional pain slut who would enjoy such treatment, even as (s)he hates it. Thirdly, I also don't like the emotional drop I get after. It requires a great deal of aftercare, for me, when I do let evil bitch out. Last, but not least, is a bad experience I had when playing with a lovely lady, Dianna, who craved that meanness, in which a scene went badly due largely in part to my inexperience. She and I made it through, and remain friends, but still...
So this was a challenge. Added to this, the gent in question is someone I consider a role model. Daniel is the closest thing I have to a parental type male role model. (He is not old enough to be my father, but I do turn to him for the advice and moral support one normally gets from their parents.) I had to come to terms with un-pigeon-holing him. (its a word now, dammit). I also had to put aside my reaction to Daniel as an authority figure.
I am a closet priss as well. While I am most comfortable talking about sex, discussing naughty things in general, I am very private and blushy about my personal sex life. Some of what Daniel was asking would require me to put aside that left over prissiness my exposure to rigid religion left me with. There is a fine line between what is ok and what is not as far as my relationship goes with FHB, as well. We are an monoamoury couple, as are Daniel and his partner Cindi. So the negotiations needed to include our partners, respect everyone's boundaries, and yet still create enough of the fantasy that it would be worth my and Daniels time to do.
We ran into a problem. Daniel was not negotiating. Instead it was left to Cindi and I to guess, FHB to be honest with is limitations. Which led me to have time to consider my own needs. In order for this to be fun for me as well, what did I need? And Cindi... what would she need? Cindi and I schemed on and off for a couple of months. As the D date came closer we schemed more, and FHB certainly added his two cents worth with a glee I should have (but did not) expect.
Frustrated with the lack of open and honest communication from Daniel, (whom, by the way, is usually very good at being open and honest) I emailed him a blunt email with a list of things I wanted to do (and some that I didn't). I asked him to respond WITH A YES OR NO to each one. Days went by, no response. The day before I left to travel he finally answered. Rather than answer my questions he gave me long winded directives couched as responses. "Foot Worship?" I had asked. "Not the licking boots type... But kissing, washing, massaging, would certainly make sense for a slave." Was his reply. And so my mood was set.
I spent a few days at the local kink event, as slave to my own Master. When FHB returned home, he left me at Daniels for five days of fun and adventure. My mind was spinning as Cindi and I had whispered conversations trying to decide how to begin, what our limits were and rolling our eyes over Daniels oh so obviously "topping from the bottom" behaviour.
I was thoroughly enjoying watching Daniel squirm in the combination of anticipation and apprehension -I was seeing a side of him I had never seen before. Finally, I was done with the procrastination.
"I am going to have a shower, and then we will begin." I told him.
"Sure. I should be done the walk by then." He responded, flushing. I arched a brow, filing away that bit of impudence and so we began.
I excited the bathroom, dressed in my every day clothes, having rejected the idea of needing a 'costume' to get in role.
Daniel stood there, giving the impression of a child hopping from foot to foot.
"Is that how you present yourself as a slave?" I queried, completely unimpressed.
"um" Was his response.
"You can strip." I ordered. "Right here."
Daniel disrobed, folding his clothing neatly, then falling to a nice slave pose. Noting his unshaven self I scowled and lectured him. "Really, slave? This is how one presents themselves to their mistress? Not even groomed? And you! An experienced Master yourself, you think this is acceptable?" Cindi shot me a giggly smile behind Daniels back. She had already explained that this was part of his fantasy, being washed and shaved. I felt, and still do, that fantasy or not, one should certainly not be presenting themselves as a slave un-groomed. His hair was practically a bush!
Cindi and I ushered him upstairs where I schemed while she set up a lovely massage table. In hindsight I wish I had made him set it up... so many punitive moments lost!! in short order we had him on the bench and she began the long task of trimming that wild growth of hair. We took turns scolding him, and Cindi surprised me (pleasantly) with her tone and lectures. I timed the entire trimming. When it was done I explained that he would be spanked for same amount of time it took to trim, and again for the shaving-for wasting our time.
We set the timer and began to spank his buttocks and thighs, using our hands and my nasty red hairbrush, when suddenly we heard the door.
I paused, laughing softly at the look on Daniels face, as Cindi ran downstairs to hustle the intruder (one of the adult children of theirs) out. The mortification was a perfect accent, and we continued, restarting the time, much to our victim's discomfort. Cindy then shaved him and I watched. Cindi and I would talk casually, as if Daniel was not really there, then add some scolding and what not. We joked about the time it was taking, and discussed what Daniel's own reaction to having someone present themselves to him for service in such a condition. Unfortunately for Daniel it took over 15 minutes to shave him-and that was AFTER trimming.
I made him watch the timer and told him to tell me when the fifteen minutes was up. Cindi and I spanked and paddled him, scolding and mocking him the entire time. I began to notice a trend. Daniel responded to me with "yes Mistress, as you wish Mistress" and yet to Cindi he would scowl and give dirty looks, and unless promoted would not address her as he was bid, with "my Lady". I decided, there and then, that I was oh so not tolerating that, although I understood damned well that stepping outside his typical dynamic was challenging. I harassed him continuously. "Really??? Daniel, shame on you... Asking me to do this then not being prepared!!-What? Excuse me? Did I ask for you to offer excuses? Did you just sigh in exasperation?? Oh, young man, you surely should have more concern for your hide!" We made a point of not spanking the sweet spots, knowing full well that his 'leather hide' would protect him there. Instead we spanked thighs and upper buttocks, working him over until he swore.
"There will be no swearing. You may say fudgicles!!" I informed him, rather gleefully. I then harassed him about all the bragging he had done all weekend about his infamous leather butt. "Thought you were telling newbies you cannot feel pain from spanking? hmmm??? " This continued until Daniel said, "Mistress, we are at 14 minutes." Cindi and I exchanged a look, and I lit into him again. "Did I ASK you to tell me when we were at 14? (swat, smack, swat) I am VERY (SMACK SMACK) CERTAIN (SWAT) that I SAID (SMACK SMACK SMACK) 15!!( THWACK!!)"
Daniel protested and I overrode him again. "I did not ASK you to think. I TOLD you 15, I damn well wanted you to do as told!!!"
I paddled him furiously for a moment, then caressed the marks lightly. After a few moments I helped him stand up. Cindi, noting the look on his face, became quite concerned. We told him to clean things up and she and I headed downstairs. After hearing out her concerns, when Daniel came down I had a candid conversation with him, out of role. He assured us he was fine, that it was 'perfect'. I reminded him of safewords (more to reassure myself and Cindi) and we continued on
I had Daniel do some odd chores, including bathing his lady, and again continued to scold him for even the smallest mistakes in protocol. Mean mean... We made dinner and let him eat at our feet, while we talked around him and about him but rarely to him. After he cleaned up all the dinner messes, I sent him to give his lady a proper massage. I went and talked to my Sir via text, and stretched and processed some of what had happened. Truly, I enjoyed keeping him off balance and I was loving that he was not finding it so easy to be a submissive slave. I knew that his attitude was going to provide lots of fun over the next few days.