Are we doing this D/s thing wrong?

Sir,
I think we must be doing this wrong.
More to the point, either You are doing this wrong or I am not a twu submissive.
I read so many of the forums, I belonged to several groups, I asked questions, I had (and still have) mentors. In these groups we often would talk about the struggles that can come with full time power exchanges and I would find myself remaining very silent. Not because I myself don't struggle, but because their struggles seem.... well downplayed to say the least. Sometimes they even seem trivial.
"How do you cope when He/She asks you to do a chore you hate?" is a common theme. To me this is a no brainer. I do the same thing when I have a chore to do that I hate and You don't tell me to do it. I do it. This is part of life, right? Doing things that are not fun? I mean, chores are called that because they are chores.
And I will go a step further... the only time You ever have to 'tell' me to do a chore it is because I have been slacking, behind, or whatever. In those cases I feel bad immediately because I SHIRKED SOMETHING. I feel I let myself down, and thus by extension YOU. I don't struggle with this. There is nothing to struggle against. I recognize, make a note to improve it and move on.
"How do you manage your dissapointment/distress/discomfort when He demands you to wear something you don't like." Um... depends on why I don't like it I suppose. If I have a valid concern or objection I voice it. We discuss it. Otherwise I assume you have your reasons. I mean... if choosing what I wear (be this a protocol for day to day or just for during a scene) is part of our power exchange then I actually made that choice, right?
"How do you deal with Him/Her asking you for sexual service that you don't want to do" What? I talk about it. If I don't want to do some sort of sexual act with You it is either outside of my limits (which You would of course not expect nor ask for), or I have a reason (I am sick as hell, for example) and need to share this reason. Are there secret crazy sex things that these other subs get asked to do that I don't know about? If so my feelings are hurt that You, my Sir, have not asked me for such naughty things.
Again, taking this a step further, perhaps some of the posters are referring to that lack of desire that can occur when a relationship is not being maintained. This is not a power exchange problem though, in my opinion, but more of a relationship problem. Such things should be discussed well before the resentment and not attracted don't wanna touch you stage, right? Right Sir?
Seriously though, they never seem to really struggle with submission. They don't seem to ever wake up and feel non compliant, to really struggle with the fundamental aspect. They don't seem to wonder if they submit too much, or struggle to accept their need to submit.
I don't see posts on that moment of "FUCK YOU" when their Sir/Ma'am orders them to do something that pricks their pride. I have not read of anyone who blushes over certain indignities and has yet found a way to gracefully submit to some aspects of being a toy to play with, clean, poke at and inspect.
No one seems to be talking about how to deal with those hurt feelings when play does not happen, or hurt feelings when one is corrected by their Sir/Ma'am, or hurt feelings when You don't seem interested and I need NEED YOUR attention.
Certainly I seem to be the only one that struggles with the balance of submitting to You while still being able to ask for my needs to be met too. The line between communicating and overstepping. I also seem to be the only one who struggles with the idea of trusting you to not ask of me what is not good for me, but not also not expecting you to mind read.
Is submitting 24/7 really that easy for everyone else? That their biggest problem is not being 'in the mood' once in awhile, or having to do chores they don't like? Does no one else ever have selfish moments when they want the type of play they want, or the type of sex they want, or the flipping food they want? Days or moments when they feel obstinate, stubborn or resentful? Moments when they wonder if they are really doing what is right for them? For their partner?
NEVER?
Perhaps we are doing this wrong.. Or more to the point Sir, You must be doing this wrong. Or perhaps I am not a twu sub... that having my own wants and desires that sometimes feel larger than my ability to obey makes me a non sub.
Or perhaps no one likes to admit they struggle with these things, in case someone points at them and accuses them of also not being a twu submissive.

The blame game: Fetlife hysteria

So many posts, tweets, reddits and what not about Fetlife not protecting its users, not upholding TOU, victim blaming, abuser protecting.. So many rants about how the kink community is upholding the" blame the victim" mentality.

But people... this is silly.  We are blaming Fetlife but, fetlife  is not a person.  It does not represent unity, a specific set of ideals, philosophies or ideals.  It is merely a social networking site that allows all of us kinky folk a place to meet and gather, talk and listen.

I realize that in a perfect world there would be a kintopia in which everyone would skip along, flogging you exactly the way you want, when you want and never a misundertanding would occur.  But that world cannot exist with us conflicted, complex and diabolic humans in it.  Just like the vanilla world does not have it's euotipia garden, neither do we bdsm'ers and the like.

Us kinksters are not so easily pigeon holed.  Sure, most of us on Fetlife are a bit kinky (or more than a bit) but our interests are widely varried, as are our beliefs, values, cultures, societal values.... and so on.  Just because we all self identify as kinky does not mean that we all think as a unit.

*Gasp* there are assholes on Fetlife?  Drama Queens? Liars?  Abusers?  Victims? Say it isn't so!!! I do not understand the shock and horror that seems to be rampant as we are told of tale after tale of non consent, assault, lies, outing and general assholerly.  Where there are people there will be problems.  Not pretty, not ideal, but very realistic.

I am part of the Fetlife community.  I am part of my local kink community.  I am part of several real world kink communities. Yet I do not support abuse.  I do not support abusers.  I do not tell sexual abusers that they are to blame.  I certainly am not the only one who works hard to play consensually-hell I am not even part of some minority group who is morally superior to the rest.  Just as the majority of humans do not murder, I suggest that the majority of Fetlifers are not abusers.  So what gives with the smear campaign? 

I firmly believe that we are all responsible for our choices. That being said, the person who violates another in any manner is ultimately responsible for those actions.  Period.  If I walk buck naked down the fucking highway I am not "asking for it".  Period. Many people, kinky or not, uphold some sort of similar value.  It is the few that do NOT that create these problems, not the entire group.

Yes our community leaders try to promote the concepts of Safe, Risk Aware, Consent, Sane, Safecalls, you name it.  That does not mean that every kinksters follow all the rules.  Hell, I bet everyone of us can come up with at least one example of a time we did not quite follow the beautiful rules.  We are a diverse group.  Humans are complicated.

Refusing to post on fetlife to show support for a victim is like refusing to orgasm to show support.  Neither of those things help the victim. Help the victim by supporting education, women's rights, programs for sex abusers.  Help the victim by sending them verbal support.  Fetlife itself is not to blame for these horrid acts.  The abuser is to blame. Baku is not responsible.  The abuser is responsible.

Baku and fetlife staff do an incredible job.  They provide us our playground, and allow us anonymity.  They don't take sides, Baku is not a judge nor a court.

Would it be lovely if he had magic and could be absolutely fucking sure who is telling the truth and who is not? If he then could ban the evils?  You bet!  But he has no magic.  He has his hands very full, I am sure, with all the reports he has to sort already.  Expecting him to just know who is a probelm and who is truly the victim is ridiculous.

So please... trashing Fetlife does not address abuse, it does not help the victims past or present.  It only creates more rifts in our community.

Kink... Just another pigeon hole?

Isn't it interesting that in a group that exists to allow acceptance of those who are considered "outside the box" due to their sexuality, that one is immediately asked to find a box to fit in as per the mainstream groups found here?
I had to giggle over the choices when making my profile. Even in our fetishes, we are categorizing, classifying, grouping and generalizing. Are you a sub? bottom? male? TG? GQ? Master? Goddess? Protector? Princess? Do you like whips? whipcream? chocolate? Saran Wrap? (now I am hungry.. sigh)
I am horrible with terminology, as many who know me can certainly attest to !
I tend to get hung up on needing that term, that label or this category, defined, explained, examined, applied, tested and redefined. I tend to reject them out of hand, have people I trust and respect ask me to rethink it, and have to acknowledge, begrudgingly, that maybe.. MAYBE that label sort of fits.
Words can hurt! They have power! And labels not only lend to a definitive cast upon the person they are applied to, but they encourage limitations, they are confining, ambiguous. They contradict!
I oh so do not like ambiguity.
And yet, everyone of us defines ourselves with labels and terminology that may not have the same meaning to another. I am a bottom, certainly, if bottom means, "glutton to be spanked, teased, paddled, flogged, caned, etc". But it doesnt seem to mean that to anyone but me! i am a sub, i suppose, if by sub you mean "becomes submissive when with someone she trusts, in situations where she feels she safe and treasured, usually those situations are sensual or sexual in nature" Again though, that is my definition. I am a slave if you mean, "for a set period of negotiated time she gives teh right to another to make all decisions for her within her agreed upon and discusses limitations" (haha, but for me that period of time is likely less than a couple of hours.. just saying).
I am a top if you mean that I get pleasure from creating a scene for someone's enjoyment. I am a dominant if by dominant you mean that I like to get my way, I am sometimes bossy and capable of looking after myself and anything and anyone else I choose. I am a sadist if you mean that I can become sexually aroused by someone elses struggle to accept the overload of sensations that I can create. I am a masochist if you mean that what causes pain to many causes me intense sexual pleasure and well being.
But I tend to see those things more like a sliding scale. I do not see being a Top and a Bottom as oppositional, but rather different perspecitves of sensation play. I do not see Dominant and Submissive as opposites, but rather each is their own quality that we each posess some of. Johnny may be an 8 on a 1-10 scale of dominance, and be a 6 on a 1-10 scale of submissiveness. I think most of the BDSM labels are overgneralized, when they can be so situation specific, so partner specific and mood driven.
I don't want a pigeon hole! I certainly don't enjoy being told, "your profile lists you as a thisorthat but you just spoke like a thatorthis" so WHAT!?
I am a person, with varying moods, varying skills. Today I might crave being pinned over a knee, getting the hell spanked out of me until I am in tears and struggling like mad, and tomorrow I may crave the satisfaction of holding those floggers in my hand, watching the skin I am whacking pinken and swell so wonderfully. So what? Why must I enjoy only what someone else wants for me to enjoy? Why do we, us humans, feel that we need to match up with someone that enjoys sex the exact same way we do, rather than enjoy the diversity of each persons skill set, interests and quirks?
Still, all ranting and my own quirks against labels aside, This community is amazing. So many people with such a wide variety of interests, attitudes and so forth. How .. YUMMY
Enjoy..
~.o