Can I be Vanilla? Do I NEED this BDSM stuff?

Can I be a girlfriend in a 'normal' relationship and still have this happy full cupboard feeling? Do I really “need” spankings and pain and tears and subspace to be content? Do I truly require the foundation of a power exchange dynamic to thrive in a long term relationship? Is this just a dopamine addiction?
I recently had a long hard look at my relationship dynamic, my beliefs, my motives, my needs and my kink filled world. I picked at every aspect of my life, realizing for the first time that BDSM is a main part off my day to day existence. My friends are part of my BDSM community. What family I have left are all aware and supportive of my lifestyle. My partner is my Sir, we share a home. We host a local group and try to promote safe BDSM play and encourage discussions on all sorts of BDSM topics. My finances include a budget for traveling to events, my education has a BDSM bent as well. Part of my income is from BDSM items.
I tried to picture my world vanilla.
I tried to remember when it was vanilla.
Was I every really 'vanilla'?
Even when I found my first husband, I was not vanilla. I had these desires and cravings that no one else seemed to have (mostly spankings, lots and lots of spankings). I wanted a power exchange (I didn't call it that then, of course). I wanted a relationship with defined parameters, in which I could defer to him and rely upon him to respect my deference. I wanted rules and fun spankings and punishment. I wanted him to be the sort of person who has enough integrity and maturity that I could respect and follow him. I did not have the terminology, nor the understanding of how to get from point A to point B, but lack of knowledge does not a Muggle make.
Even as we divorced, each lost in our non power exchange cycle of abuse and martyrdom, I was not vanilla. In our division of goods we fought not over toasters and golf clubs, but over floggers and paddles. We both mourned not just the loss of our relationship, but the loss of our kinky playmate. Our decisions to settle division of assets without overly involving lawyers was based on fear of repercussions due to our spanking activities. The little we had learned over the years regarding BDSM communication at our one event (Lupercalia) came in handy during our divorce. Being exposed to people who communicate civilly with past partners in the BDSM community helped us to stay civil.
While in my second marriage I was not vanilla, although I tried so very hard to be. I hated the lack of power structure. I resented the lack of open discussion and the lack of fun play. I resented that I could not pack away my desire for spanking fun with the seeming nonchalance that my then husband did. I felt repressed, and disdained for the needs that he once found attractive and now found 'odd' and 'unhealthy'. I spent a great part of this marriage feeling ashamed and alone.
It was within this marriage, however, that I began to really examine my self, to realize and then come to terms with my own needs and desires. It was in this sexless and loveless marriage that I realized that vanilla relationships are not meeting my needs, and I am not meeting my partner's needs. It was in those last months that I determined that with two marriages falling to the way side-each with me as the common denominator, that I needed to look to myself. What I found, at the crux of these failed relationships, is that I am a terrible girlfriend. That without clear and agreed upon parameters I give without feeling that I get. That I simply do not enjoy non BDSM typical relationships-by nature most people seem to choose polite over honest, ambiguity over blunt statements, sneaking and self sacrificing and assumptions and miscommunication. I hated it all. I hated that I felt as if I could not share my honest thoughts and feelings. The passive aggressive mannerisms and words created a burning pit of wrongness in my belly.
And so I came to terms with my own lack of ability to navigate the politics that come with vanilla relationships. And with that I began to really examine what I did want, what does make me thrive.
I looked at my need for spankings-really looked. I thought about my non spanking parents and wondered why, even as a youngster spanking was an erotic wonderful thing for me. I picked apart my spanking fetish, looking for a cause. I never found a cause.
Then I looked at what I am like before during and after. I considered how I am full of energy after, happy and content and how I feel so damned safe after. I faced my before spanking self with a bit of a cringe, noting that I am irritable, tired, depressed even.. That I feel shame and discouragement.
(Keep in mind I am talking about there being nearly a year between one spanking and the next).
I poked at that. I wondered if it was because without the beating I feel guilty.
I don't believe that to be true, at least not for me.
I wondered if this was some sort of Daddy/daughter issue, if I was just wanting to be cared about in that way that a parent cares for their child. I don't believe this is true of me either. That kind of age play actually leaves me cold. Teacher student? hellz yes. Daddy or uncle?? eeeeekkk!!! Not for me.
What I do know, is that I love the physical part of spanking. The sensations often cause me to orgasm. I know that I love the emotional aspects-from feeling accepted (my weird spanko parts and all) by my playmate, the freedom to revel in the sensation and just enjoy it without worry about their opinion of me is amazing, liberating as hell. The emotional part.... I do feel cared for and nurtured; someone is taking the time to meet my needs which in my mind is caring and nurturing. The mind fuck of it. I feel so helpless and vulnerable. I know that I have safe words, but the trust that needs to be given (will he stop?? really??). That moment of trepidation, the awkwardness of being tugged over a lap or bent over a bench (or whatever)... Hot hot hot. Being treated in such an undignified manner... oh my fucking gawd hot.
I poked at what I want in the relationship itself. That I want someone who takes charge; but only if they are worth following. Someone who won't boss me for the fuck of it, but with purpose. Someone who wants to grow with me, not help me grow then feel left out.
I wanted rules.
Clearly defined rules.
Rules without impeding on my ability to be who I am. I don't need someone to tell me how to eat, dress, be a mom or a student. No thanks.
My dear friend held my hand throughout, encouraging me to not only accept my kinky nature but to cherish it as well. Just as I began to accept who I was my husband left.
Then I was single. After a period of man-hating anger (sorry guys, but I oh so did go through a short but intense period of really hating men.. so much easier to blame the penis than to look at my own approach and relationship blunders and self delusions. Once I moved past the blaming stage and was ready to explore this BDSM playground, I placed adds in the kinky personals (not POF).
My add clearly stated that I was seeking a male playmate who was firm, yet generous spirited; who would spank me thoroughly and explore other BDSM interests with me. Rather than seek sex (and believe me I wanted to seek sex) I bartered for play, with no expectations or pressure for sex.
I went to Lupercalia, took every class, got my first dungeon spanking ever. Enjoyed it so much I was begging for another the next day. I even did some topping, reselling in the feel of doing so, near as much as I did being ass up on the bench.
I met some amazing people (you know who you are) and had some amazing times. More importantly I was really beginning to believe that I could play like this, with sessions of power exchange fun, and have my needs met without the abuse that I was finding in vanilla dating.
Hurrah!!
Then I met Firm-Hand-Buddha
A student, like me, just beginning on his career path. A fellow pervert. A patient but firm man. A communicator... oh my I love his words... we connected quickly, that spark was just there..
We built what we have now, our 'non relationship' as 'non boyfriend' and 'non girlfriend', upon the power exchange dynamic. And I fought the forming of this non relationship every step of the way.
I was terrified.
He calmed my fears by behaving with integrity, by being consistent and bearing no malice to any.
He smiled patiently.
He teased gently.
He held me when I needed holding.
He hurt me when I needed pain.
He took responsibility for his own shit.
He showed me that being honest with each other was a beautiful thing, not a trick to find ammunition to hurt me later.
He trusted me and showed himself to be trustworthy.
He is my Sir. I take care of him.
He takes care of me.
I give him the use of my body.
He cherishes that use and nurtures my body.
I nurture him with my care of the home.
He rewards that nurturing by acknowledging it for what it is.
I submit.
He dominates.
I yield.
He hurts me just right.
I suggest, ask, comment, communicate, acknowledge and defer.
He suggests, asks, comments, communicates, orders and directs.
We engage in BDSM style activities all day.
In the order in which we are served our dinner, in the manner we make choices when we do not agree, in our speech and in our body language we are in our power exchange.
He casually uses pressure points regardless of where we are.
If we remove all that... well I will be honest.
I am not sure what there is left.
Love, certainly.
Caring.
But the power exchange IS our relationship framework.
I lean on that framework.
I count on it to be there.
Yanking away that framework would wound the trust I have for him. It would leave me shaken, unsure and scared.
Our every day is BDSM... every damned day. This is a lifestyle, not a hobby, at least in our relationship.
When we can't fuck due to kids in the house (we can quietly make out still, but not the way we like otherwise) the rest of the power exchange is there to carry us through. I know I can ask respectfully for play, and that he can agree, decline or negotiate a different time. We have written and agreed upon protocols to remind us of our commitment to one another, and those protocols help me to feel safe and cherished, and to know that what I do reminds him he is safe and cherished (and absolutely adored and respected).
When there are opportunities to bicker, the power exchange is there to restore peace.
When I am cranky and he points this out, the power exchange framework is there to do so safely-and I am able to hear his words without merely reacting defensively.
When he is cranky and just needs to be sexually spoiled, the framework is there for him to take what he needs, and because of that framework this taking is actually giving-it makes me feel good.
That comes down and you have two people with their most common link removed.
Can I be a girlfriend in a 'normal' relationship and still have this happy full cupboard feeling?
No, I don't think I can. I am not 'normal' I am a card carrying pervert. Being in this power exchange with an amazing partner gives me that full cupboard feeling. That D/s that I like to call 'play' is actually our whole world.
Do I really “need” spankings and pain and tears and subspace to be content?
Yes... I really do. Those spankings and pain and tears and subspace are part of my sexuality. I do need them to be content. Just like I need touch and kisses and hair pulling and hugs and nibbles.
Do I truly require the foundation of a power exchange dynamic to thrive in a long term relationship?
Yes. Fucking yes. If long term is what is going on, for me it needs to be a power exchange. It works for me. It works for us. That framework cradles us, challenges us and connects us. I require that framework in order to blossom within the relationship, rather than being just another woman sacrificing her self to be with someone. I have never felt this good with another person in my space. I have never felt this connected to another. I have never felt so valued, nor valued another in this way.
Is this just a dopamine addiction?
I really do not believe it is. Don't get me wrong, I like the dopamine, yum yum..
But kneeling on the floor waiting for an hour, making dinner and knowing I am doing what I am directed and pleasing him, feeling him posses every inch of my body, knowing that his words are honest and his intent is pure.. these things are just as amazing as the impact play and the pain play.
So no... I don't think I can be happy in a strictly vanilla relationship. I think my spirit flies in the framework I have now-a 24/7 P/E with FHB, who earns every bit of respect and cherishes me dearly.

Are we doing this D/s thing wrong?

Sir,
I think we must be doing this wrong.
More to the point, either You are doing this wrong or I am not a twu submissive.
I read so many of the forums, I belonged to several groups, I asked questions, I had (and still have) mentors. In these groups we often would talk about the struggles that can come with full time power exchanges and I would find myself remaining very silent. Not because I myself don't struggle, but because their struggles seem.... well downplayed to say the least. Sometimes they even seem trivial.
"How do you cope when He/She asks you to do a chore you hate?" is a common theme. To me this is a no brainer. I do the same thing when I have a chore to do that I hate and You don't tell me to do it. I do it. This is part of life, right? Doing things that are not fun? I mean, chores are called that because they are chores.
And I will go a step further... the only time You ever have to 'tell' me to do a chore it is because I have been slacking, behind, or whatever. In those cases I feel bad immediately because I SHIRKED SOMETHING. I feel I let myself down, and thus by extension YOU. I don't struggle with this. There is nothing to struggle against. I recognize, make a note to improve it and move on.
"How do you manage your dissapointment/distress/discomfort when He demands you to wear something you don't like." Um... depends on why I don't like it I suppose. If I have a valid concern or objection I voice it. We discuss it. Otherwise I assume you have your reasons. I mean... if choosing what I wear (be this a protocol for day to day or just for during a scene) is part of our power exchange then I actually made that choice, right?
"How do you deal with Him/Her asking you for sexual service that you don't want to do" What? I talk about it. If I don't want to do some sort of sexual act with You it is either outside of my limits (which You would of course not expect nor ask for), or I have a reason (I am sick as hell, for example) and need to share this reason. Are there secret crazy sex things that these other subs get asked to do that I don't know about? If so my feelings are hurt that You, my Sir, have not asked me for such naughty things.
Again, taking this a step further, perhaps some of the posters are referring to that lack of desire that can occur when a relationship is not being maintained. This is not a power exchange problem though, in my opinion, but more of a relationship problem. Such things should be discussed well before the resentment and not attracted don't wanna touch you stage, right? Right Sir?
Seriously though, they never seem to really struggle with submission. They don't seem to ever wake up and feel non compliant, to really struggle with the fundamental aspect. They don't seem to wonder if they submit too much, or struggle to accept their need to submit.
I don't see posts on that moment of "FUCK YOU" when their Sir/Ma'am orders them to do something that pricks their pride. I have not read of anyone who blushes over certain indignities and has yet found a way to gracefully submit to some aspects of being a toy to play with, clean, poke at and inspect.
No one seems to be talking about how to deal with those hurt feelings when play does not happen, or hurt feelings when one is corrected by their Sir/Ma'am, or hurt feelings when You don't seem interested and I need NEED YOUR attention.
Certainly I seem to be the only one that struggles with the balance of submitting to You while still being able to ask for my needs to be met too. The line between communicating and overstepping. I also seem to be the only one who struggles with the idea of trusting you to not ask of me what is not good for me, but not also not expecting you to mind read.
Is submitting 24/7 really that easy for everyone else? That their biggest problem is not being 'in the mood' once in awhile, or having to do chores they don't like? Does no one else ever have selfish moments when they want the type of play they want, or the type of sex they want, or the flipping food they want? Days or moments when they feel obstinate, stubborn or resentful? Moments when they wonder if they are really doing what is right for them? For their partner?
NEVER?
Perhaps we are doing this wrong.. Or more to the point Sir, You must be doing this wrong. Or perhaps I am not a twu sub... that having my own wants and desires that sometimes feel larger than my ability to obey makes me a non sub.
Or perhaps no one likes to admit they struggle with these things, in case someone points at them and accuses them of also not being a twu submissive.

Her ASS.... Oh ... My....About that Anal Sex Demonstration

The moment I laid eyes on her incredibly sexy body as she settled, belly down onto the padded table, my worry and nervousness melted away as if they never were.
I let my eyes drink in her stocking clad legs, her oh so pale skin seeming to glow in the exposed stripes between her lacy briefs and just as lacy brassiere. Oh My.... What a gift!!
To someone like me, who adores bums, her ass was a picture of perfection. perfectly round globes raised upwards (due to a strategically placed cushion), framed by the black silk of her panties and stockings...
In that moment I forgot that this was a demonstration. I forgot that there was a crowd watching. I forgot that I had never touched a woman in this manner. In that moment all I could think of is, "wow....!!!!! For me????!!!!!"
I grabbed the massage cream and rubbed her back, While FHB ran the power point for our group on making anal an erotic experience. I massaged and chatted softly with this amazing lady, soothing her skin. I reminded her that nothing was going to happen until she asked, and only what she asked for.
I laid all the toys out by her slightly flushed face, teasing her mercilessly with the idea of what could be used on her... she giggled and I grabbed some gloves, condoms and silicone lubricant.
I massaged her back, her buttocks and the very tops of her thighs... Concentrating on being slow, letting her get comfy.
When she indicated she was feeling relaxed I let my lubricated and gloved fingers massage around her anus, pressing and almost entering but never quite actually doing so... she would start to lift her hips and wiggle, and I would go back to massaging her hips, thighs, buttocks and back, then again, lubrication, and massaging, letting the fingers explore her amazing body.
I pretended not to understand when she hinted, loving that sexy flush she does when she has to be blunt. (oh sexy lady, you are amazing). As she wiggled, and cooed I was overcome with an urge to sink my teeth slowly into her ass cheeks.. I faltered for a moment, the image was so strong, then told her I wanted to.
"You can bite my ass" she said demurely, and my bodies reaction to those words was intense... Still rubbing and lightly prodding, I slowly gathered a mouthful of buttocks and pressed my teeth into her skin, my fingers pressing more firmly. Her noises were lovely and I had to take a breath and concentrate... I was a bit unsteady and glanced up at our little crowd, and finding the reassurance I needed in the happy smiles and lack of condemnation on anyone's faces, I turned my focus back to the vixen in front of me.
I continued to rub and touch, focusing on what made her tense up and what seemed to help her relax more....Touch, press, nibble, hug, talk, reassure. All the time my fingers learning her curves, exploring the lovely pucker of her anus...
The sweet gal indicated that she would like to try to small vibrator against the opening, so I happily obliged. The nifty little toy has ten settings, and we tried each of them, and from the feedback and squirming I would hazard a guess that she was beginning to enjoy herself a bit.
FHB got to the part of the presentation in which rimming was discussed. I pulled out the dental damn and demonstrated... Due to the corset and table height I was unable to for long, which saddened me greatly, as the "oh!!" was wonderful indeed.
After a bit more playing and stroking she grinned at me and said, "This is very relaxing, not erotic though." And I laughed, hoping that I wasn't wet to my knees... "more?" I queried, knowing damned well that was what she was trying to say without saying. "Yes" she answered, all flushed and giggly...
So I let one fingertip enter, to the first knuckle. I added the vibration to the anus with the nifty toy... and after she stopped clenching my finger i let the finger move up and down, the vibration, more lube, more tapping... my other hand rubbing her lovely cheeks and grinning, I am sure, like a kid let loose in a toy store.
"More" she asked. and I happily obliged, loving how her butt was raising to meet my hand as I added a second fingertip and then just explored leisurely.
There is an amazing texture to asses... So soft, so clingy. Each fold is like a mystery and the clenching and releasing of those muscles was magic. I had my bottom lip between my teeth as she began to writhe under my hand. I am certain I had a glow on...
The room had gone silent, the only sound the vibrator buzzing and her lovely coos and my indrawn breaths when her reactions were particularity yummy.
She buried her face in her arms and said, laughing breathlessly, "I'm done"
I leaned forward and was floored and flattered when she said, "You have to stop, or I am going to finish, and I don't want to in front of everyone."
So there you have it...
My first lesbian sex experience. And oh yes, I oh so did like it.
I liked it very much.

I am not your wife anymore... remember?

Dear NoLongerMyHusband,
According to provincial law, from the very second you left this house with the intention of no longer living like partners, our marriage ended. 
This means that I am no longer your wife.
I have a signed and witnessed Separation agreement. You signed it! You had your BOSS witness it.
This means I am no longer your wife.
So why is it that I still have to care for your cat? A cat I am allergic to, that was only welcomed here as an extension of your welcome here? You say you 'can't look after her' but that still does not explain WHY this is my problem?
Why is it that when you are broke you call me? Why is that MY problem? I supported you through your wait for a job permit, and when you left you took our family income! I have the cat, the kids and full time school and no hours in which to work, but YOu think I should give YOU money?
Why is it that you call me asking me how to 1. pay your bills, 2. fill out your empolyment paperwork 3. how to pay childsupport 4. How to get an apartment 5. how to get your credit card 6. how to sell your truck.... The list is endless. These things are no longer my responsibility. YOU are no longer my responsibility.  YOU FUCKING chose this, why am I supposed to still look after you? Are you looking after me in ANY FUCKING WAY? Do I call you asking for you to take out the trash? Fix my car? shovel the driveway? fix the plumbing? (oh.. never mind.. I did all those tings anyways. )
Why is it that you call me looking for hugs? You are lonely?  um.. you had a family and didn't want them.  You had a pile of people extend friendship to you and you hid in the living room instead of accepting any overtures.. Why is it my problem that you are lonely?  You are scared?  Who made the choices that are now weighing on you?
The kids don't call you? Really?  So you are saying, that after you left (without a fucking word to them about it) and did not contact them for nearly TWO FUCKING WEEKS, they should be gleefully chasing your pouty, bitter, self pitying self for conversations?  After nearly a decade of you withrdrawing from them, suddenly because you NEED them they should want to call you?? Really?
Life is rough for you? Money is tight? You have no one? No one wants to hang out with you?
Fuck..
I told you and told you, begged and pleaded with you, yelled and cried... I tried dammit.  I tried to get you to GRAB the life you have and LIVE it! This is the only life you get, and you are wasting it. 
You are so busy blaming everyone (its your ex, your sister, your mother, your father, your grandparents, your work, your boss, that coworker, me, teh kids, david, jarrett, my family, the neighbours, my friends... ) everyone but you.  What is teh common denominator? 
How come, if our marriage is my fault (oh, Angel changed so much.. she stopped loving you?  really?) then how come leaving didn't make your live better?  It made mine better.  It made the kids's life better.
How come your walking away from everyone in the states didn't fix your life? How come the people you blame are still doing fine, but you are not?
IT IS YOU!! You won't let go of the imagined and real hurts of the past.  Yes it hurts.  Fuck we ALL hurt.  Get OVER IT.  You won't enjoy any damn thing that comes your way.  You insist on drama, you refuse peacefullness.  You sat on that couch and would NOT live with us.
AND you fucking pretend that you oh so did not cross the line with Cindy? Really?  When was the last time you took your family to something like the ice show?  Do I sit and text under a blanket to a guy? WTF? 
You wouldn't cuddle.  You wouldn't laugh with us.  You would not tolerate us. You would not take joy with us.  So now you chose to leave, and you want me to make your leaving better for you... Well fUCK THAT.
Quit fucking asking me for help.  Quit calling my uber broke ass for money.  Quit blaming everyone else for your loneliness. 
You make more money to support your single ass than I do to pay the TWO FUCKING mortgatges you left me with and support a family of four, one of those is YOUR CAT.
You won't pay childsupport, you wont take responsibility for your choices and you won't do a damn thing but mope about.  Enjoy it I guess.  But know that, regardless of how far you run, how many people you walk away from, you can't leave yourself.  Even if you DO suicide like you hinted, you will still be with you right to the bitter end.  So if you are not happy, fucking do something about it. (something that does not involve me)
Do you know what is really funny?
You will likely not ever find anyone that will love you without reserve the way I did.  I trusted you, believed in you, loved you.  I opened my home to you, shared everything I have with you.  And you tried to break it.  But after watching me walk away from a 15 year relationship, away from the man I had my children with, and STILL SURVIVE IT what made you think you could destroy what makes me who I am?
I am a creature of positive energy, of laughter, dancing in teh kitchen, singing off key and rainbows. I am a creature of sunlight, sexual energy, forgiveness and awareness.But more than that, I know myself.  I am aware of my self and I respect myself.  You can't take that away.
Most Sincerely,
the woman who is NOT your fucking wife.

Introduction to a sadistic, devious FemDom (me)

All names have been changed. This series is a mix of fact and fiction
I am starting at the beginning... if you want to skip the introspection and go to the 'fun parts' go to part TWO.
A while back a dear dear friend of mine, Daniel, trusted me enough to ask me to play a role in his fantasy. He wanted to spend several days being utterly owned and dominated by a female (I guess that would be me), or females (plural). I agreed to consider it and then spent a couple of months trying to envision it, exploring my thoughts on it.
I rope top easily, it's true. I have done a great deal of topping within a scene or session. I love flogging and I am a spanking enthusiast, (all types of spankings, it is my MAIN fetish). In my mind, however, Topping is mostly a physical thing. Yes, I use mind tricks and role play. But a Domme... well that is different. I was not sure I could take him where he wanted to go. I was not sure I could let my sadist out without dire consequences. I know myself fairly well. I can be incredibly mean-and enjoy every moment of my victim's suffering. I keep this in check, for a few reasons. First and foremost, it makes me very uncomfortable with myself. Secondly, I have never had access to a pain slut/emotional pain slut who would enjoy such treatment, even as (s)he hates it. Thirdly, I also don't like the emotional drop I get after. It requires a great deal of aftercare, for me, when I do let evil bitch out. Last, but not least, is a bad experience I had when playing with a lovely lady, Dianna, who craved that meanness, in which a scene went badly due largely in part to my inexperience. She and I made it through, and remain friends, but still...
So this was a challenge. Added to this, the gent in question is someone I consider a role model. Daniel is the closest thing I have to a parental type male role model. (He is not old enough to be my father, but I do turn to him for the advice and moral support one normally gets from their parents.) I had to come to terms with un-pigeon-holing him. (its a word now, dammit). I also had to put aside my reaction to Daniel as an authority figure.
I am a closet priss as well. While I am most comfortable talking about sex, discussing naughty things in general, I am very private and blushy about my personal sex life. Some of what Daniel was asking would require me to put aside that left over prissiness my exposure to rigid religion left me with. There is a fine line between what is ok and what is not as far as my relationship goes with FHB, as well. We are an monoamoury couple, as are Daniel and his partner Cindi. So the negotiations needed to include our partners, respect everyone's boundaries, and yet still create enough of the fantasy that it would be worth my and Daniels time to do.
We ran into a problem. Daniel was not negotiating. Instead it was left to Cindi and I to guess, FHB to be honest with is limitations. Which led me to have time to consider my own needs. In order for this to be fun for me as well, what did I need? And Cindi... what would she need? Cindi and I schemed on and off for a couple of months. As the D date came closer we schemed more, and FHB certainly added his two cents worth with a glee I should have (but did not) expect.
Frustrated with the lack of open and honest communication from Daniel, (whom, by the way, is usually very good at being open and honest) I emailed him a blunt email with a list of things I wanted to do (and some that I didn't). I asked him to respond WITH A YES OR NO to each one. Days went by, no response. The day before I left to travel he finally answered. Rather than answer my questions he gave me long winded directives couched as responses. "Foot Worship?" I had asked. "Not the licking boots type... But kissing, washing, massaging, would certainly make sense for a slave." Was his reply. And so my mood was set.
I spent a few days at the local kink event, as slave to my own Master. When FHB returned home, he left me at Daniels for five days of fun and adventure. My mind was spinning as Cindi and I had whispered conversations trying to decide how to begin, what our limits were and rolling our eyes over Daniels oh so obviously "topping from the bottom" behaviour.
I was thoroughly enjoying watching Daniel squirm in the combination of anticipation and apprehension -I was seeing a side of him I had never seen before. Finally, I was done with the procrastination.
"I am going to have a shower, and then we will begin." I told him.
"Sure. I should be done the walk by then." He responded, flushing. I arched a brow, filing away that bit of impudence and so we began.
I excited the bathroom, dressed in my every day clothes, having rejected the idea of needing a 'costume' to get in role.
Daniel stood there, giving the impression of a child hopping from foot to foot.
"Is that how you present yourself as a slave?" I queried, completely unimpressed.
"um" Was his response.
"You can strip." I ordered. "Right here."
Daniel disrobed, folding his clothing neatly, then falling to a nice slave pose. Noting his unshaven self I scowled and lectured him. "Really, slave? This is how one presents themselves to their mistress? Not even groomed? And you! An experienced Master yourself, you think this is acceptable?" Cindi shot me a giggly smile behind Daniels back. She had already explained that this was part of his fantasy, being washed and shaved. I felt, and still do, that fantasy or not, one should certainly not be presenting themselves as a slave un-groomed. His hair was practically a bush!
Cindi and I ushered him upstairs where I schemed while she set up a lovely massage table. In hindsight I wish I had made him set it up... so many punitive moments lost!! in short order we had him on the bench and she began the long task of trimming that wild growth of hair. We took turns scolding him, and Cindi surprised me (pleasantly) with her tone and lectures. I timed the entire trimming. When it was done I explained that he would be spanked for same amount of time it took to trim, and again for the shaving-for wasting our time.
We set the timer and began to spank his buttocks and thighs, using our hands and my nasty red hairbrush, when suddenly we heard the door.
I paused, laughing softly at the look on Daniels face, as Cindi ran downstairs to hustle the intruder (one of the adult children of theirs) out. The mortification was a perfect accent, and we continued, restarting the time, much to our victim's discomfort. Cindy then shaved him and I watched. Cindi and I would talk casually, as if Daniel was not really there, then add some scolding and what not. We joked about the time it was taking, and discussed what Daniel's own reaction to having someone present themselves to him for service in such a condition. Unfortunately for Daniel it took over 15 minutes to shave him-and that was AFTER trimming.
I made him watch the timer and told him to tell me when the fifteen minutes was up. Cindi and I spanked and paddled him, scolding and mocking him the entire time. I began to notice a trend. Daniel responded to me with "yes Mistress, as you wish Mistress" and yet to Cindi he would scowl and give dirty looks, and unless promoted would not address her as he was bid, with "my Lady". I decided, there and then, that I was oh so not tolerating that, although I understood damned well that stepping outside his typical dynamic was challenging. I harassed him continuously. "Really??? Daniel, shame on you... Asking me to do this then not being prepared!!-What? Excuse me? Did I ask for you to offer excuses? Did you just sigh in exasperation?? Oh, young man, you surely should have more concern for your hide!" We made a point of not spanking the sweet spots, knowing full well that his 'leather hide' would protect him there. Instead we spanked thighs and upper buttocks, working him over until he swore.
"There will be no swearing. You may say fudgicles!!" I informed him, rather gleefully. I then harassed him about all the bragging he had done all weekend about his infamous leather butt. "Thought you were telling newbies you cannot feel pain from spanking? hmmm??? " This continued until Daniel said, "Mistress, we are at 14 minutes." Cindi and I exchanged a look, and I lit into him again. "Did I ASK you to tell me when we were at 14? (swat, smack, swat) I am VERY (SMACK SMACK) CERTAIN (SWAT) that I SAID (SMACK SMACK SMACK) 15!!( THWACK!!)"
Daniel protested and I overrode him again. "I did not ASK you to think. I TOLD you 15, I damn well wanted you to do as told!!!"
I paddled him furiously for a moment, then caressed the marks lightly. After a few moments I helped him stand up. Cindi, noting the look on his face, became quite concerned. We told him to clean things up and she and I headed downstairs. After hearing out her concerns, when Daniel came down I had a candid conversation with him, out of role. He assured us he was fine, that it was 'perfect'. I reminded him of safewords (more to reassure myself and Cindi) and we continued on
I had Daniel do some odd chores, including bathing his lady, and again continued to scold him for even the smallest mistakes in protocol. Mean mean... We made dinner and let him eat at our feet, while we talked around him and about him but rarely to him. After he cleaned up all the dinner messes, I sent him to give his lady a proper massage. I went and talked to my Sir via text, and stretched and processed some of what had happened. Truly, I enjoyed keeping him off balance and I was loving that he was not finding it so easy to be a submissive slave. I knew that his attitude was going to provide lots of fun over the next few days.

Life Lessons and Self Fulfillment

So.. Things with Mr. NAB (Not A Boyfriend) have been clicking along.

If you missed the fetrant, it is helpful to understand that as I was getting ready to go meet Mr. NAB, who was supposed to be a potential friend with benefits such as regular spanking dates for yours truly... A completely NSA arrangement, casual as all heck. 

Anyone that knows me is aware that I am not exactly all expert at casual.  Not me.. I fall in love, get married, spend a decade finding out that love is not enough, get divorced fall in love... you see? So after two failed marraiges I am a weeee bit relationship shy.. weeee as in the word boyfriend has me feeling a bit naseous, my heart pounding while I scan teh area for an escape route.. But I am needy and a glutton.  I NEEED regular (at least once a week!!) spanking time.  I need that subspace/flying or whatever.  I need spoiling (of the attention sort not money thanks).  I am kinda high maintenance. 
So I figured, I could do both! Just find a playmate with the time and energy to keep up with me, but no vanilla time.
Right?

Apparantly not.  A couple coffee in and my NonDate turned into my NonDominant and I found myself easily falling into submission., 

So ... We agreed that we'd just kinda go with it. No, I do not konw what that means really, but I know what it feels like...

It has been the most relaxing and yet most intense learning I have ever undergone.  And considering he has no idea what he is doing... (no experience with the 'rule book' style BDSM.. he just does what 'works'  and yes.. yes.. it works.)  ... well, color me overwhelmed. 

The Lessons Sir has taught me..

I have learned that I am not just sexually submissive, but in certain circumstances I am pretty damned 24/7 submissive --But only to my dominant... which brings us to the next lesson...

I have learned that in submitting myself to his will, I am not weaker, or less capable but Stronger and More capable. 

I have learned that facing scary things and working past that fear is incredibly empowering. 

I have learned, repeatedly, that one can not die from embarrassment, that shame is not an option being offered, and blushing is not a safeword.

I have learned that the world does not end if I am called a four letter word with all the reverence others might be called pet names.

I have learned that I gain more in submission than I do in questioning, doubts, worries, apprehension, uncertainty, hesitancy, guilt and shame.

I have learned that resistance without cause has no place in my life.  That resistance should have meaning-even if that meaning is to be playful.  That resistance with meaning is always rewarded but submission with blind trust is cherished.

I have learned that teasing is not always malice based.

I have learned that I am immature in many ways, childish in some ways and overly responsible in others.

I have learned that I am a valuable person, who, although bruised from other relationships, DOES have something to offer.  That even my gluttony can be a gift.

I have learned that this gift of learning, in the guise of a pinch to sensitive skin, a swat to tougher skin, teeth sinking into the meat of my shoulder, a hand on my neck not squeezing but there regardless, that these things are tools of fulfillment.  that each lesson fills me, leaving me sated, tired and renewed all at once.

Love the journey... just do

AND.. No jealousy?  No suspicion? No having to hide my past??
wow

Minor Update

Soo... I have been pretty quiet lately, not posting much or as often.

Truth is, I have been busy, confused, and struggling to sort out how I feel about a few things. You see, I met this person... A wonderful guy really, who was supposed to fall under a 'hang out once in a while pal with play time' sort of category but morphed quickly into a 'hang out all the time pal who is also my Dominant' sorta category. 

Not complaining, now that I  have kinda wrapped my head around having a person in my life that I spend this much time with, but am not bonded to by any legal certificate (I really am terrified of marriage lol)...

So now, here I am, living a D/s lifestyle but from separate homes, (no shack up expectations!! how cool is that?) with someone who is being oh so respectful of all those minefields I have set to protect myself... Sometimes respecting them, and other times gently pointing out that they are no longer needed...

A bit scary.  But yet... so not.  And for once I really understand that relationships do not have to be built with forever in mind, but more with right now in mind, moment by moment. That I can grow within this, and that is ok.  That I can grow outside of this and that too is ok.  That friends can both play (bdsm) and play (sex) and still be friends.

So for now... assume that silence means I am busy learning more about who I am, what I want, what makes me tick and more about teh world around me and how I fit into it.

Hugs and Laughter,

so burnt out..

Exams.. What was I thinking?
Six courses, two more in intersession and another three over summer... I want that PHD I DO!!! but I am sooo tired.
So very very tired.Tired of reading big words.  Tired of typing big words, tired of citations, text books, power points, hard chairs, crappy coffee, no sleep, tutoring, note taking, tired of all of it.
And still short three hundred to pay for my next two courses... with no clue what am gonna do about that.
I need a temporary sweetie.  I need someone to cuddle me and watch tv, to rub my neck, encourage me to keep trucking, and hold the pieces of the house together while I am working.
I need someone here throughout the week to kick my ass into gear when I am on not focussing, to dance me around the kitchen laughing, to wake me up with good morning spankings...
Sadly though, I am not ready for a 'realtionship'.. I don't have the time, money, or energy to give to a partner right now.  I don't have the fortitude to deal with the dance of lies, the deception... (be honest people, the person you meet is not the person that moves in.. There is a morphing phenomena that happens when that first box of personal items crosses the doorway... BAM! no more sweetie, welcome couch sloth..) and perhaps I am still a bit cynical..
Sigh... Come here mr. frog..

Princess Spanking Weekend omfg...

This is going to be a long post, lol...
So I returned yesterday from my journey and adventure to the grand city of E.  And it truly was an adventure...in so many ways.:)

I have never taken a road trip before, in which I am the driver.  This of course, did not really occur to me until I was nearly to the city of GP and realized that I had done it!! ALL by MYSELF!! I imagine that not many people will get just what a victory that is, but  it really was.  Hurrah for big girl panties. 
The drive was lovely.  The sun was shining for the most part, I saw a mommy moose and her overly large offspring near DC, another large moose by GP and a couple of lovley scenic views. My MP3 player was blasting, I was singing and had the cruise set for under the speed limit. I saw many officers pulling people over and was grateful that I am a cowardly driver.  I had no troubles following the directions and navigated my way quite nicely.

I was burning gas though, which of course annoys me greatly, but still... small potatoes, right?  I made the stops I had arranged, and headed to my weekend of fun.
I nearly made my destination when my lovely vehichle chose to no longer have a working transmission. Thank fully I had stopped for the restroom and was not driving when the transmission chose to no longer be intact. I am not sure if anyone knew this, but a vehicle does not drive well without one. 

Just saying.

It made awful metal on metal grinding noises, lurched but did not move. I sat and weighed my options, wondering what to do, exactly.  Fairly certain that popping the hood in my thigh high stockings and short skirt was not the best idea, and being that it was late thursday of the easter long weekend, I sighed sadly in defeat...  I had to call the gentleman I was meeting to come and get me.

What a way to meet a lady, no?  "Hello! I am a complete and utter nitwit who can't even get to your house... how hot am I now?"  (sigh). I sat at that station long enough to earn some highly curious looks from the folk that were there, as I tried to will my car to fix itself.  I am not sure if this is an 'angelism' but I am quite terrible at being helpless. I did suck it up and text my new playmate for help.

Thankfully the gentleman in question (I am going to call him Sir OCD until he gives me a play name to use, because us princesses are bratty like that! :)... ) anyways, Sir OCD was very gentlemanly and thus did not laugh (too much) nor hold my woes against me, but navigated the broken car into a stall, gathered me and my many bags and chafeured me to his lovely home with an amazing smile, gentle hand up into the truck and warm hug.

If anyone knows this man, let him know that this alone is worth many points... truly appreciate it.

I will not kiss and tell tooooo much (because that is of course quite rude) However....Some things are just too magical to not share.

What an amazing weekend!! After being worried about going (so out of my comfort zone, really) and being reassured that this could be done safely, I found myself loving every princess moment of the weekend. (aside from teh transmission)

Sir OCD graciously had me in his home for a few days, chilavrously made all the arrangements for my vehicle, was able to keep my mind off of it for the majority of our time together, which speaks for itself really. Consider too, how focused I can get on things... So Kudos Sir OCD well played.   He drove me back and forth to RK's with nary a complaint. Not by word, gesture or even expression. Not once made me feel as if I was intruding. 

With an engaging smile, dinners were cooked for me (as I write this I am eating chili from a can and wondering if he rents out as a chef... good grief, I have NEVER eaten so well and yet so healthily at the same time.... I want to learn to cook like that...)  I was complimented, cuddled, petted, kissed and coddled till I was completely princessed out. Not once was I asked to clean anything or even in a position to open a door for myself.  I was allowed to bask in the attention, purr for the petting and kissing, with not one negative comment.  NOT ONE!!! I struggled a bit (Stop laughing my red headed gal pal... I mean it) with it-not used to being coddled lol.

I thought I had experienced being a princess, but I now know I had no idea.  Simply none.  Don't get me wrong!! I have all kinds of good memories to go with the not so good ones of past relationships... but my weekend at Sir OCDs certainly redefined what being spoiled and adored feels like. This spoiling healed some hurts I hadn't realized I was still carrying. 

I have never eaten so well, been treated so sweetly, kissed so gently and spanked so firmly.... I was giggling, blushing, astonished and bowled over...All that and a lavishment of attention, amazing conversation, a down duvet (omg I oh so want that... ) waking up to sunshine on my face... It was like going to a spa where a hottie is giving out amazing spankings... Realy ladies, I oh so reccomend you try it...

Even the spanking, which you all know is my favorite passtime, was completely out of my realm of experience.  Every excuse to take me over his knee was delivered with the most amazingly open grin, an oh so heart achingly gentle hand guiding me over his knee, the gentle firmness of that hand at my hip, offering the threat of restraint if needed... each swat with purpose, but not even the tiniest bit of force used that was more than needed... the strength contrasted with such tender care to be lifted so carefully, cuddled in and petted.. I nearly fainted...Of course, those deceptively calm swats intensified as time went by, both as we became more comfortable and as my poor backside became more sensitive... His hands just seeming to know how to and where to swat to maximize the time or reaction-depending on what he was looking for... oh my. 

Yet after three days of spankings, many of which had me kicking my feet and struggling to get a hand free, (anyone that thinks this isn't surprising can ask RK... really.. I am not a struggler)... barely a mark.... Wow, hey?  I have a new hated spanking implement, which is a plastic bath brush... Sir OCD, that really needs to go... truly... what a mean thing...I liked it on a fresh backside.. but not after the fourth or fifth spanking...*pout* If you decide you want to get together again, I am oh so bringing you a gift..  Perhaps a Furry Paddle? *laugh*

And to be stepping out of the shower and have Sir OCD appear and lovingly place my still wet self over his knee, with his foot resting on the side of the tub for a good morning, wet bottom spanking was beyond amazing... One of those always fantasized about silly things that just was perfect in real life... wow.  Seriously!!! Wet bottom not quite out of the tub spaknings!!! I kid you not!!!! For no reason!!
To be kissed so sweetly as I am told what a brat I am, kissed so sweetly after a spanking, kissed so sweetly and thanked for any smallest effort.. oh my.  And don't mistake me, sweet does not mean the opposite of yummy... just that I have no words for that kissing style.. none...Sweet is the closest I can come up with... utterly tender? Kisses that left me breathless, knees weak and eyes in teh back of my head.   And I am not a kissy girl!!! Or I guess I wasn't? I mean, I like to kiss, but holy shit... LMFAO.. wow.

Hands stroking my tush, my legs, my back, my hair, my belly, my arms... sweet goddess... The contrast of tender and firm nearly undid me a few times...ok.. I admit it.. nearly is just a way to pretend I am not blushing beet red at the mere memory.. Just... oh ... so ... yummy...

Aside from a short break in which I visited some lovely friends, From my arrival thrusday till I left sunday morning Sir OCD lavished attention on me, spoiled me and spanked me until I was a puddle of dreamy eyed princess wonder. How amazing is that?

"But at the end of the day" (grin, do I get trouble now?) I was glowing with the attention, Postiviely giddy, glowing and relaxed.   I was sleeping like a log (and we will pretend that I do NOT snore thank you) and waking up with a bright smile.  More important, though (and this is oh so funny) is that I learned that I DO have it in me to adore being treated as if I am adored.  That there are men who cherish, give of themselves freely.

I have hope.. hope that there is a future for me that includes romance, love, flowers, spoiling, spankings, amazing fun and good conversation.  I really hadn't thought such things could go hand in hand... I mean... romance and spoiling AND rules and spanking?? really????
Sweetness and firmness?
Openness but with limits?
 I am spoiled quite beyond recognition, truly and my eyes have been opened up to just how.... bitter I was letting myself get.  Which is ok, I earned that bitterness I think...but I can let that go now... and work on moving forward instead of having all these regrets and hurts, cynicisms and being so self reliant that I don't allow anyone in... and therefore cut myself off from living a full life...

Now I just need to work on meeting some of my own goals... of getting RK&f paid back for the rescue and making sure that I am striving towards being a very whole and healthy person who is able to bring more than a willing bottom and naive grin.  And I oh so will...Knowing that the tenderhearted part of me is NOT broken is priceless..
Not what was negotiated for, so that part is an incredible gift that was so unexpected.
So thanks Sir... for letting me experience such amazingly delicious tenderness, such incredible spankings all from your very wonderful self... I fell in love a wee bit, like I said, and for that I thank you too! You made this princess believe in romance, and that is one hell of a gift.
xxx

Reassurance and AfterCare

After care, once explained, seems like such common sense... To be able to give someone that level of trust... to drop all those little pretenses that protect us in the work a day world... well it leaves a person quite vulnerable.  When you add all those amazing emotions and intense sensations and ind play... things can get a little hairy.
So ... aftercare!! I get the concept, but after a spanking, or a playtime, I am doe eyed, sure, a bit befuddled, but SO ENERGIZED!! I want to go dance, sing in the shower, jump on the bed, talk for hours.. (I don't get to do those things, but I oh so want to!!) I have stayed on that high for days, were I glow like a girl in love LOVE love!
But... regardless of how attentive, how sweet and considerate my playmate is in gently bringing me back from taht play state to the real world, I do eventually come down a bit. (I love that I sound so experienced!!! Three months and I am a pro, really... too funny.. mind you, been getting upturned over a knee for nearly my entire adulthood...)
Anyways, I do start to come down off the glow.  And something I have noticed, is right after play I feel so GOOD!! I feel safe, sexy, confident, adored,-my world is right.  To me, that is what I get from subnitting.. I get that amazing feeling of rightness. 
But slowly, real life leaks back in.. and I start to second guess myself a little..  Or rather, I begin to wonder if I am fun to play with, did I do ok, did I do anything wrong...and then the little girl guilt kicks in.
But because I am in this goshforsaken area, and also am still working on being a very whole and capable person, I am not in a 'relationship'.  So when I do come down and need the reassurance, then what?  I am finding I can go three days to two weeks before that hits me.. I work on it of course.. I remind myself that if I said or did something not to my playmates liking that it is THEIR responsiblility to say so. That I am going to have to deal with my little pile of guilt for having so much fun without marriage, lol. 
Intellectually I get it. There is no reason for me to feel that anyone that I come to has to be my life meet... But I still struggle to reassure tha tlittle girl, the one that is nine, sitting at grandma's table being told that GOOD GIRLS do NOT let boys touch them..
I wonder sometimes if other women who have been married forever and then end up single and explore find themselves strugglign with this at times? I wonder too if anyone else finds that they need the aftercare hugs days later-am I just a slow processer?
Thoughts to ponder...
It is odd to me, too, that when you are setting up a play date there is all this communication, the tension is built with all those interactions before hand (hahaha, three months, and again I sound like the expert..) I quite enjoy that buildup... Then of course playtime is excellent (knock on wood, and thanks RK for keeping me safe) then there is the refactory period where there is nothing.  So I wonder too if I am just suffering from withdrawl...
I guess I am allowed, after so much time skin starved, never mind actual sex, or spankigs, or playfullness or even positive attitudes... well, this whole spanko/bdsm community is like a haven for me. 
Ah well.   off to study for my exams and leave this puzzle for another day.. If I sound down, I am nt really.  Stresed over my student budget and exams, but otherwise thigns are good.
Hugs and  laughter

Making sweet lemonade

You know...
I have been accused a time or too of being annoying.  I tend to refuse to really dwell on the negative, to try and make lemonade with every sour piece of fruit I see (not just lemons!) and I am oh so aware that this is a great skill when applied to my own craptastic adventures and yet not so lovely when applied to say..... yours.
So, when things pile up and I am really, really starting to get negative, I find it incredibly that I end up in the presence of a very positive person (or several of such) to remind me to let negativity become instead learned wisdom, knowledge, insight, growth-to remember that all bad things have a flip side.
Being married twice, for different reasons, to men I thought were as different as night and day, and to have both marriages slowly morph into the same nonsense was disheartening to say the least.  More so this time around, because I had really believed I had found someone to be peaceful with.  I thought I was going to be the princess forever and ever.
When that ended, I wrapped my grief and bitterness around me like a cape of "get away", which is to be expected...except I forgot the next stage.  I forgot the part where you ditch that cape for a cloak of reflection to find those positives, then move on-take the lessons and go.
T was what I needed at that time, i think.  I am not happy, of course, with the continued need he has to create a wee bit of drama on occasion, but I am trying to forgive, myself and him so I can just move on.
Afterall, I learned a great deal from him.  I learned that I am a sucker for being a princess, that I do NOT need my toxic family in my life (I can do it without the drama!! Who KNEW!!!) and he allowed me to rediscover being both weak and strong... I needed these things.
So, here is my pitcher of lemonade... Thanks T, for picking up the pieces when D&I divorced.  I was a devastated woman and you picked me up, dusted me off, and sent me on my way. 
Perhaps the rain is ended and I can have my rainbow fucking rainbow now (grins to you girl for the phrase of the century)
hugs and laughter,

About Good Girls

I am a good girl!

In order for anyone to understand that we need to have some understanding on what that means to me. Some of you feminists are likely upset over my choice of language.  I understand that.  Too bad. :)

I am a good girl.  I do my chores, I meet my responsibilities and try to be self aware.  I keep my house clean, I take care of myself.  I pay my bills.  I work hard and try not to judge.
See? I am a good girl. I love being female.  I do not agree with the law treating me as leasser because of it, nor with being treated with discrimination, hatred, disrespect and dismissal just because I have a vagina rather than a penis. What I don't understand, however, is how the woman's right movement took away the dignity and honor of having a female body and being proud of my femininity. This body allowed me to bring three wonderful lives into the world, this body is part of who I am but in no way is the totality of who I am.

 I am not ashamed of my sexuality, my intelligence nor of my integrity.  If I can remain assertive in the face of societal sexism, legal sexism but have to cower in the face of feminist sexism, wherefore is the gain?

 I like people who are strong in character.  I am not ashamed of that either. I have high expectations of myself, and love to have people around me that are assertive (not aggressive) and will help me to keep raising that bar.  I want to grow!!  Even when it is uncomfortable and challenges my belief in who I am-I want to grow.

To me, that is a good girl.  It is all about being good with who you are, knowing that there is room to grow and reaching for it.  Having boundaries that are flexible enough to allow for the benefits of intimacy but strong enough to maintain mental and physical wellbeing.

Being a good girl is not about obedience, or putting up with people treating you poorly.  It is not about being polite.  It is certainly not about never exploring sexually, intellectually or physically.  Being a good girl means I try to balance my responsibilities and still have my needs met.  That I can accept the cherishing of others, ask for help, apologize for wrong doing, and try for compassion instead of being defensive.

Being good is being happy without infringing on the happiness of others.

I am a good girl. I admit though, I am better at some parts of being good than I am on others, better on different days, in different situations.

I am, however, a good girl.

Words have power

Words... Strange creatures they are, those words.
Such power.
They can make my heart skip, a flush creep along my skin, till I am tingling from head to toe with need...
They can leave me wet, gasping, blushing or trembling with anticipation.
Oh those words, the words that convey such hot, succulent meaning.
Those words that build such erotic, tantalizing and vivid pictures in my mind, oh yummmm.
I live for those words.
Powerful words of lust, joy, sensuality-words that wrap my thoughts in tangles of pleasure and trepidation, pleasure and pain, oh my.
You know what words can do, you boys. You use some words oh so well.
So why is it such a surprise to so many,
That if words have the power to make us wet, or horny, or filled with longing and need, that words can sting. They can wound. They can set us adrift, lost and alone.
Those words, that leave me hurting, raw, desolate. They are not needed, rarely used for good purpose but rather in anger, in hurt.
They can leave me in tears, my spirit bruised, my trust dented.
Such words as those, that convey such bitternes, such a lashing out. Do they serve your purpose as well?
I cry for those words.
Words have power. Will you use your power to create magic? To intrigue me, pull me to you, my skin starved for you my eyes lit up for you, a ball of aching need, wanton abandon, wicked delight and throaty laughter?
will you use them to create pain? To discourage me, push me from you, my sould wounded and my eyes filled with tears for you, shoulders bent in pain, lips trembling, chest heaving, my back as I leave, shuddering with the burden of those words?
Sigh... Words have such power.
powerful words.
Words are weapons, They have power.
If you are intelligent, you know

Some adventures.. yummy

Sometimes, this whole interent thing is oh so boring... but there are some amazingly lovely parts too.  Parts that tend to fade out in vanilla relationships, and from what I have seen-in bdsm relationships too.
You see, if you can get inside a gal's head, make her mind spin with anticipation, tingle with excitement-well you have a gift.  A gift that will leave a girl breathless, blushing and trembling.. (or at least this girl).  I adore this part of internet communication... That there IS so much communiciation.  There are sexy stories, promises, devious hints, flirtation, daring and oh so much tingly fun.
The moment I see those lovely words on my screen I start to flush-a tingle spreading across my chest with these lovley prickles of heat, moving up my neck and face.. the heat of it tightening my nipples in an erotic reaction that thrills me.
As the imagination takes hold, with those lovely promises, hints, outrageous flirts.
This girl adores it, every flirt, every moment of waiting, every tremby breath of anticipation.
Yum.

Lupercalia 2012

My dear friend and I journeyed to Edmonton for Lupercalia, an event organized by Edmonton O Society for kinky adults.  We have been saving our pennies in order to attend and have been horribly excited/apprehensive about attending.
We drove all day, of course, but finally reached the hotel, frantically readied ourselves for the first event...
The event was... Amazing.
I have been long overdue for an adventure.  Besides having a zillion heart attacks just getting to the Raddison, due to things like city traffic, lol, i have never travelled with this pal. So that in itself was a lovely adventure, thankfully we came home with a stronger friendship, not a ruined one   It is amazing to be able to talk freely about some of our own adventures, and to know that neither is judging the other and that we get the dynamics of play, even if your preferences and styles are much different on some levels. 
The first night was the Luper, the Roman Festival. My pal is amazingly lady .  I spent maybe  thirty bucks and she made these kick*ss togas.  The shoulder strap is actually little handcuffs from a belt she dismantled. 

We were given a bag of little coins, and got to go around 'gambling' from booth to booth.  You could choose to gamble however many coins, and if you 'won' the contest or passed the challenge you got more coins... Most coins at the end of the night wins.
There was penis toss, Cock Racing (you have to put a rubber chicken between your knees and race around the pylons.. with a chicken hat on.. very...um.. hilarious to watch),and many other fun booths.
We never made it to a booth ourselves, but truly, we were pretty overwhelmed watching.  Some of the togas were incredible!  They had their contest, my dear friend was awarded 'honorable mention' for the female garment (hers is just like mine but purple and she LOOKS the part.) There was a parade to the 'dungeon' and we got to browse the 'market'.
We wandered the market, people were incredibly friendly without that meat market feel.  No pressure.   There were neat things there.  Of course all kinds of spanking things, from ooooooh!!!! to HOLY SHIT NOT EVER!!!!
I bought some really cheap stuff (little mini things, cuz they are cute and collected cards from many of the vendors. I have a wish list like you have never seen!  There was this awesome band there, the music is awesome sex music (not sure if that is a girl thing, a bdsm thing or if that makes sense to you, but the music is very... yummy) I bought one CD and my pal another. 
OOOH and a pile of books!!

There was this amazing stall with all these rope chokers with bells, amazing wooden paddles that are made from exotic woods and we spoke with those vendors at length.  Amazing people!   Another lady makes corsets to fit, but they are out of my student budget at the moment.  There was another booth with all sorts of floggers with lovely goth look, chains on the braiding of the handles and so forth.  We stopped and got some mouthy Tshirts from another vendor, browsed the many floggers, paddles, collars, you name it.
Then we slowly and timidly headed into the dungeon. (Dungeon rules are no penetration at all, so keep that in mind as you read my take)
It was kinda ... empty.  
BUT OMG!!!
A bit of overload, really.  You walk in and first, there is sound.  The sound of spankings, moaning, squealing, giggling, chains moving, leathery sounds, rustling of vinyl from costumes, the whimpers and mewling that you know... seems to come with sexual activity.  It took me a few minutes to process the sounds...
Then you start to take in what you are seeing...People tied to St. Andrew Crosses, nude, partially nude and mostly nude.  People in cages, people bent over desks, strapped to tables and benches... I nearly swooned at it.  All those sounds, such an amazing thing, to stand there and voyeur like that.
Sir RK was lavishing his stylish attention on his lovely slave, whom I had just met, and that also was a treat.
We were pretty exhausted and overwhelmed and did not stay long that night....

DAY TWO
We were jolted out of our exhausted sleep about 430 in the morning as the previous occupants of our room had kindly left the alarm clock set for us.  I swear I turned it off after the first piercing alarm, yet it came back on after a short period of time... So I wrestled with that, ha!
We headed off to classes for nine in the morning, still tired but excited! The presenters were incredible, the course content as amazing! I had a lovely time learning new things, having some of my core beliefs challenged, gaining insights into my own cognitive processes, sensory processing and seeing the many friendly people who are demonstrating in so many ways, that they have such caring and respect for their playmates/partner.  The open acceptance on the part of the volunteers, presenters and event goers was amazingly lovely.
We had classes all day, managed to do a tiny bit of browsing, and I hogged the bathroom in an attempt to be ready for the Libertine Ball.

The ball was a riot, the performers were amazing and the costumes were incredible!!!
My favorite costume was the lady in the horse get up, in which her heals were without the post, the costume was amazing and watching her and her partner parade her about was incredibly amazing.  Wow.  The time training for that and wow...just wow.
 WE did go back to the dungeon, we were going to do pictures and that sorta got waylaid.  We watched RK and f play a bit, and then RK and sc a bit, then poor RK was gracious enough (and his lovely f gracious enough) to help me onto the bench and provide me with a very lovely time.
I was spaced out for the majority of it, but I am aware that he cycled through his many implements, and some of them certainly were attention grabbing.  He is lovely at being able to pick things up or slow them down based on body language which was lovely too.  As I had my cycle I even got to keep my knickers mwahahahaha.
I am terrified of the damned cane, after the last fiasco, but he pushed those limits the teeniest bit, and it was all fine.  He calls that damned thing a dragon cane.  I have a love hate relationship with canes.  The very thought makes me more than terrified, but they are also orgasmic... If I can ride the wave-but tears follow... bah and yum, hey...
I bounced out of there, barely touching the ground, mulling over the many things, both from playtime and classtime, and staggered into our room to find that the Undiscovered had pizza and beverages for me!!! How amazing is that!?!  I ate like a piglet, passed out like a child, lol.  Life was good.

Day Three
We managed to sleep in, only because Undiscovered had reminded me about the alarm, lol.  She set her cell phone too, so we got up on time!  Classes were lovely, brunch was a bit awkward as I am way more comfy typing than talking lol.  But we ate with M, R and a stranger, and RK and f joined us after a bit.  We were all loosing that shine of energy and excitement as day three wore on.  Everyone was so sleepy.  I was starting to not feel great (partly my own fault, I was hanging out with Undiscovered, who is a smoker, and I kept going into the smoking room with her.  Silly me, of course, as I am no longer used to that feeling..)
Still, we managed to power through.  We had dinner with RK f and another couple (sorry, I can't remember your names) and pretty much just took our time.  We missed the round table, but I didn't care at that point.
The lovely f asked if I would co-top RK which was very exciting.  He seemed edgy about it, so I happily volunteered to let him paddle me silly first -poor f had already had two nights in a row on the receiving end and besides, she looked amazing in her corset dress...  (and I am a glutton, I admit it!)  So I happily climbed on a bench, and alternated between orgasmy lovely fun, that subspace almost napping relaxation, tears for that damned ruler and the meany followed with the cane (could tell he wanted to be sure that i was not gentle when his turn came, truly.... lol.... ok I am fibbing.. It was all very lovely, barely any struggling-and that was more out of fear.  I DID manage to ride the last half of each set and I think, well I know, that I get the love RK has for the cane.. OMG intense orgasm if you can just... just... ride the pain instead of fight it... and it doesnt stop ... mean mean cane)  I did oh so NOT want him to stop, but alas, my turn was over.. Not sure I had any more moisture left in me either, so likely was a good call on his part.   Besides, he knows I have been uh... out of the loop as it were, and thus oh so out of practice.
After I had my land legs back, f got RK into this leather hood (what a neato contraption!!) and we got him tethered nicely to the bench.  I was nearly bouncing in excitement... It was fun to watch RK react to our teamwork, but I had to speak up, as I am aware of RK's world reknowned "leather ass" and that we were being way too gentle.
I did some lovely poking, and finally decided that a game was in order. So we played the game called, "Angel is a sadistic top and will use this faster and harder until you VERBALLY acknowledge that she has achieved a rating of 6 or more on the 1-10 scale of ouch.  
I could see that lovely f was startled by the vigor needed to achieve a mere 6 from her beloved RK.  It is different for each of us, I know... But I was very surprised that he had broken the very first rule he taught me.
YEARS ago, RK is the one that told me that as a bottom it was MY responsibility to be very HONEST-even when it was difficult for my pride.  That if things were too gentle, I had to say so.  That this is part of the whole process of two people learning how to scene together. So I scolded and lectured, paddled and flogged, got f to do the same, until we got a few tens.
It was yummy.  YUMMY!!! I was grinning and giggling and having way too much fun.  YUM!!Then, sadly it was over, aftercare left us glowy, I cleaned up the bench, f cleaned up the toys and we all parted ways.
I again staggered up to the room, fell face first on the bed and slept the night through.
Day four
Undiscovered had ordered me pizza the night before (I missed in in teh after glow) and scolded me for not eating in her very caring and gentle way. We managed to pack up, giggle and talking, and tried to leave the city.
As I am a pathetic co-driver and as we exited the parking garage in the wrong spot, we ended up driving around Edmonton a couple of times before she found the way out (Thanks RK for the texting directions, lol... We did nearly go to Saskatchewan... I know...) I was laughing so hard as she was being so very sassy to RK's texts (funny how brave us submissive are when we are in a car headed home, lol... Did I get that quote about right Undiscovered??) For a gal who avoided all spanking times in the dungeon she was sure full of sass, which made me laugh harder and thus our exit from town took considerably longer than it should have.
It is good to be home, my tush is fine, thanks! Amazing what ice and vitamin E can do for a gal.   Funny enough, but my shoulder hurts more, although I was somewhat uncomfortable seated in the car.
We talked most of the way home, giddy over it all, really.
A lovely event.  I will be going next year too.