How about bottoming from the Top? Hmm?

At a gathering recently I was asked to weigh in on the phenomena known as "Topping from the bottom".

It's a subject that has always annoyed me a wee bit, as i just don't see what all the hullabaloo is about. Wasn't it Eleanor Roosevelt who said that no one can have power over you unless you give it to them?

Often is seems to me that this label is used as a knee jerk reaction of disapproval to us brats who will do our equivalent of kicking Sir in the shin to let him know we'd really like some funishment.
Other people seem to be referring to a bottom saying "harder, softer, that wrapped, please no teeth" once in the scene.

Still others, a smaller group in my experience, also include a bottom who is clear about what they want in a scene.

To those of you from the first group... It is annoying, I am sure, to be Lord UberDomly Thunderpants and have your submissive glutton playfully brat you. Poor thing. If you are truly Lord UberDomly Thunderpants then you should be able to deal with this in an adult and leadership based manner. You could, perhaps, sit your submissive down and state clearly that you do not enjoy this behavior and it will not result in funishment at all, but time out. Or perhaps find out WHY your submissive is bratting rather than coming to you in an adult manner and stating clearly that he or she would REALLY like some play please. Or recognize that sometimes it is just fun to brat, and you could have fun sending them to a corner. Throwing the overused phrase "Topping from the bottom" is lazy. And in my oh so personal opinion, every bottom/sub/slave has the right to ask for what they need. Them asking does NOT force you to do a dang thing. If your sub is a SAM, (like perhaps I can be) and you don't care for it, again... Conversation. Leadership skills.

To those who feel that a bottom speaking up from within a scene is nothing but the bottom behaving like a Top, I respectfully suggest you hone your Topping skills. Or perhaps your pre-scene negotiating skills need work. If I am not getting what I need out of the scene, or getting something I do not need, I have the RESPONSIBILITY to say so. If you are bottoming to me, I EXPECT you to speak up. None of us are psychic. And Lord UberDomly Thunderpants? If you are EVER uncomfortable during a scene, you have the right to safe word and end the scene. So if you truly feel that your bottom is Topping, call yellow. Discuss it. Can't resolve it? End the scene, part amicably.

Done deal.

To those few who feel that a bottom negotiating a scene clearly is Topping.. Well no words of mine will help you. Good luck with that.

Perhaps someone can also explain to me why it is that we never hear complaining about those who sub from the Top. Why is it no one is assuming that some things that Tops do are actually submissive behaviors? Is it subbing from the Top when SirRespectful asks his bottom, "Would you like me to go harder?" Is it subbing from the Top when the bottom is asked to choose what implements? When the Top checks in with the sub to see if things are still ok? When the Top gets a buzz from what he/she is doing?

Is is subbing from the Top when Lord Confident Dom says to his bottom/submissive/slave, "I want to experience xyz, go grab the whatchamallit and use it on me."

My opinion? Not at all. But if we are going to shame a subby type for speaking up for what they need, or for trying to be playful and get playtime that way, it's only fair if any signs of respect, compassion, or desire for sensory play should be seen as subbing from the Top, no?

I am not your wife anymore... remember?

Dear NoLongerMyHusband,
According to provincial law, from the very second you left this house with the intention of no longer living like partners, our marriage ended. 
This means that I am no longer your wife.
I have a signed and witnessed Separation agreement. You signed it! You had your BOSS witness it.
This means I am no longer your wife.
So why is it that I still have to care for your cat? A cat I am allergic to, that was only welcomed here as an extension of your welcome here? You say you 'can't look after her' but that still does not explain WHY this is my problem?
Why is it that when you are broke you call me? Why is that MY problem? I supported you through your wait for a job permit, and when you left you took our family income! I have the cat, the kids and full time school and no hours in which to work, but YOu think I should give YOU money?
Why is it that you call me asking me how to 1. pay your bills, 2. fill out your empolyment paperwork 3. how to pay childsupport 4. How to get an apartment 5. how to get your credit card 6. how to sell your truck.... The list is endless. These things are no longer my responsibility. YOU are no longer my responsibility.  YOU FUCKING chose this, why am I supposed to still look after you? Are you looking after me in ANY FUCKING WAY? Do I call you asking for you to take out the trash? Fix my car? shovel the driveway? fix the plumbing? (oh.. never mind.. I did all those tings anyways. )
Why is it that you call me looking for hugs? You are lonely?  um.. you had a family and didn't want them.  You had a pile of people extend friendship to you and you hid in the living room instead of accepting any overtures.. Why is it my problem that you are lonely?  You are scared?  Who made the choices that are now weighing on you?
The kids don't call you? Really?  So you are saying, that after you left (without a fucking word to them about it) and did not contact them for nearly TWO FUCKING WEEKS, they should be gleefully chasing your pouty, bitter, self pitying self for conversations?  After nearly a decade of you withrdrawing from them, suddenly because you NEED them they should want to call you?? Really?
Life is rough for you? Money is tight? You have no one? No one wants to hang out with you?
Fuck..
I told you and told you, begged and pleaded with you, yelled and cried... I tried dammit.  I tried to get you to GRAB the life you have and LIVE it! This is the only life you get, and you are wasting it. 
You are so busy blaming everyone (its your ex, your sister, your mother, your father, your grandparents, your work, your boss, that coworker, me, teh kids, david, jarrett, my family, the neighbours, my friends... ) everyone but you.  What is teh common denominator? 
How come, if our marriage is my fault (oh, Angel changed so much.. she stopped loving you?  really?) then how come leaving didn't make your live better?  It made mine better.  It made the kids's life better.
How come your walking away from everyone in the states didn't fix your life? How come the people you blame are still doing fine, but you are not?
IT IS YOU!! You won't let go of the imagined and real hurts of the past.  Yes it hurts.  Fuck we ALL hurt.  Get OVER IT.  You won't enjoy any damn thing that comes your way.  You insist on drama, you refuse peacefullness.  You sat on that couch and would NOT live with us.
AND you fucking pretend that you oh so did not cross the line with Cindy? Really?  When was the last time you took your family to something like the ice show?  Do I sit and text under a blanket to a guy? WTF? 
You wouldn't cuddle.  You wouldn't laugh with us.  You would not tolerate us. You would not take joy with us.  So now you chose to leave, and you want me to make your leaving better for you... Well fUCK THAT.
Quit fucking asking me for help.  Quit calling my uber broke ass for money.  Quit blaming everyone else for your loneliness. 
You make more money to support your single ass than I do to pay the TWO FUCKING mortgatges you left me with and support a family of four, one of those is YOUR CAT.
You won't pay childsupport, you wont take responsibility for your choices and you won't do a damn thing but mope about.  Enjoy it I guess.  But know that, regardless of how far you run, how many people you walk away from, you can't leave yourself.  Even if you DO suicide like you hinted, you will still be with you right to the bitter end.  So if you are not happy, fucking do something about it. (something that does not involve me)
Do you know what is really funny?
You will likely not ever find anyone that will love you without reserve the way I did.  I trusted you, believed in you, loved you.  I opened my home to you, shared everything I have with you.  And you tried to break it.  But after watching me walk away from a 15 year relationship, away from the man I had my children with, and STILL SURVIVE IT what made you think you could destroy what makes me who I am?
I am a creature of positive energy, of laughter, dancing in teh kitchen, singing off key and rainbows. I am a creature of sunlight, sexual energy, forgiveness and awareness.But more than that, I know myself.  I am aware of my self and I respect myself.  You can't take that away.
Most Sincerely,
the woman who is NOT your fucking wife.

The blame game: Fetlife hysteria

So many posts, tweets, reddits and what not about Fetlife not protecting its users, not upholding TOU, victim blaming, abuser protecting.. So many rants about how the kink community is upholding the" blame the victim" mentality.

But people... this is silly.  We are blaming Fetlife but, fetlife  is not a person.  It does not represent unity, a specific set of ideals, philosophies or ideals.  It is merely a social networking site that allows all of us kinky folk a place to meet and gather, talk and listen.

I realize that in a perfect world there would be a kintopia in which everyone would skip along, flogging you exactly the way you want, when you want and never a misundertanding would occur.  But that world cannot exist with us conflicted, complex and diabolic humans in it.  Just like the vanilla world does not have it's euotipia garden, neither do we bdsm'ers and the like.

Us kinksters are not so easily pigeon holed.  Sure, most of us on Fetlife are a bit kinky (or more than a bit) but our interests are widely varried, as are our beliefs, values, cultures, societal values.... and so on.  Just because we all self identify as kinky does not mean that we all think as a unit.

*Gasp* there are assholes on Fetlife?  Drama Queens? Liars?  Abusers?  Victims? Say it isn't so!!! I do not understand the shock and horror that seems to be rampant as we are told of tale after tale of non consent, assault, lies, outing and general assholerly.  Where there are people there will be problems.  Not pretty, not ideal, but very realistic.

I am part of the Fetlife community.  I am part of my local kink community.  I am part of several real world kink communities. Yet I do not support abuse.  I do not support abusers.  I do not tell sexual abusers that they are to blame.  I certainly am not the only one who works hard to play consensually-hell I am not even part of some minority group who is morally superior to the rest.  Just as the majority of humans do not murder, I suggest that the majority of Fetlifers are not abusers.  So what gives with the smear campaign? 

I firmly believe that we are all responsible for our choices. That being said, the person who violates another in any manner is ultimately responsible for those actions.  Period.  If I walk buck naked down the fucking highway I am not "asking for it".  Period. Many people, kinky or not, uphold some sort of similar value.  It is the few that do NOT that create these problems, not the entire group.

Yes our community leaders try to promote the concepts of Safe, Risk Aware, Consent, Sane, Safecalls, you name it.  That does not mean that every kinksters follow all the rules.  Hell, I bet everyone of us can come up with at least one example of a time we did not quite follow the beautiful rules.  We are a diverse group.  Humans are complicated.

Refusing to post on fetlife to show support for a victim is like refusing to orgasm to show support.  Neither of those things help the victim. Help the victim by supporting education, women's rights, programs for sex abusers.  Help the victim by sending them verbal support.  Fetlife itself is not to blame for these horrid acts.  The abuser is to blame. Baku is not responsible.  The abuser is responsible.

Baku and fetlife staff do an incredible job.  They provide us our playground, and allow us anonymity.  They don't take sides, Baku is not a judge nor a court.

Would it be lovely if he had magic and could be absolutely fucking sure who is telling the truth and who is not? If he then could ban the evils?  You bet!  But he has no magic.  He has his hands very full, I am sure, with all the reports he has to sort already.  Expecting him to just know who is a probelm and who is truly the victim is ridiculous.

So please... trashing Fetlife does not address abuse, it does not help the victims past or present.  It only creates more rifts in our community.

Do I look like 1-900-cyber-sex?

Dear Self Proclaimed Master/Dominant/Top/Studly/Penis,
In case you are wondering why you can't find me online anymore... I blocked you. Why? you ask? Oh do read on.
Yes, I label myself as a bottom and a submissive. Yes, I love to be spanked and I love the mental and physical magic of dominance/submission. Yes I actually do get spankings in real life and I have engaged in other kinky activities. Yes I enjoy a dominant personalities in my bedroom.
I do not, however, have a burning desire to sit at my computer and engage in cyber anything at your finger snap. No part of my being a bottom or a submissive includes dropping everything to obey some random male (you know who you are) who is NOT my dominant in order to provide him with FREE cyber sex services. There are millions of FREE webcams out there for the taking. I am not one of them. (And no, smart ass, I am not asking for you to pay... I am telling you NO... again and again and again)
Nor does my being a submissive mean that if you demand I do something I become instantly wet and HAVE to obey you. Sending me a photo of your crotch will not gain you any obedience prize either!
No I will NOT obey you. You want my respect? earn it. you want my compliance? First you need my respect and my consent. I am not obligated to give you any damned thing. I am not a public service, nor do I think aggression is attractive (outside a scene in which it was requested, negotiated, asked for etc).
"I guess you have body image issues, huh? Sorry to hear that" is not a pick up line and certainly won't goad me into being your webcam slut. No, you are not my Daddy, My Master, My Sir, my anything!
most annoyed,

Luper =orgy? sigh

Well I guess Karma really is chasing me, as I had teased mercilessly my pal, who had been told by another that there would likely be sex at the dungeon.  I like to harass and could tell I had crossed over into being an ass when she made a point of pointing it out, lol.
So last night I was talking to a lovely gentleman I had met once for coffee, who in the midst of babbling mentioned that Luper (Edmonton) had changed me, and asked me how many men at once...
I went from laughing to cold as if a switch had been thrown.
It was so ... reminiscent of the judgmental comments I get from the ex, T, and once upon a time from yet another judgmental man. My feelings were quite hurt, which is ridiculous for many reasons...
Firstly.. I don't really think that if I HAD gone to an orgy, that ANYONE has the right to be judgmental about it.  If I HAD done such a thing I would have been ok with it, or I wouldn't have done it. (wow.. hope that made sense).
Secondly, I don't even know if he WAS being judgmental, or if because I had just had to deal with the ex and was feeling fragile, I just chose to perceive his words as such.
And thirdly, It is my own damned fault for ASSUMING when I was talking about maybe going to the event in Edmonton, that everyone knows what it is and that orgies are not involved.. or sex.. or even fingering...
Fun and Games, navigating all this emotional baggage my marriages have left me..