OOOh, I made a naughty girl cupboard!

So.. I had this shelf and i thought.. hmmmm....

I added some hooks and voila!
And it locks!!!

Sir RK and My Welcome Back Spanking

I just had to share, in true sassy fashion, a bit about my adventure at the Lupercalia on the second night.
As mentioned on my Lupercalia 2012 page, RK had already worn his energy down topping/doming two lovely young ladies before he grinned at me and beckoned me over.
I had been having a lovely time watching, and although he tried to get me nervous, I was way to confident, giddy and all too gleefullly eager. I scrambled over there, was quickly face down over the lovely bench (hello!! Santa?? I want one of those!!! wow!!!) and my wrists and ankles all secured, but barely.  Lots of wiggle room, but going nowhere-so very yummy.
Sir RK is a lovely Dom/Top, as he is very careful with warm up, patient, not sadistic but more about the experience.  Being in the dungeon was a bit intimidating, but the sounds actually had me half spacey before we did a darn thing.
It was FOREVER, of slightly faster, slightly harder, slightly stingier... I was all giggles and sighs of bliss until that damned cane was pulled out.  I am so scared of it!!
But... the whole point of the post is HAHAHAHA, This is the "can't tell you were there" photo from when I got up to the room:

Luper =orgy? sigh

Well I guess Karma really is chasing me, as I had teased mercilessly my pal, who had been told by another that there would likely be sex at the dungeon.  I like to harass and could tell I had crossed over into being an ass when she made a point of pointing it out, lol.
So last night I was talking to a lovely gentleman I had met once for coffee, who in the midst of babbling mentioned that Luper (Edmonton) had changed me, and asked me how many men at once...
I went from laughing to cold as if a switch had been thrown.
It was so ... reminiscent of the judgmental comments I get from the ex, T, and once upon a time from yet another judgmental man. My feelings were quite hurt, which is ridiculous for many reasons...
Firstly.. I don't really think that if I HAD gone to an orgy, that ANYONE has the right to be judgmental about it.  If I HAD done such a thing I would have been ok with it, or I wouldn't have done it. (wow.. hope that made sense).
Secondly, I don't even know if he WAS being judgmental, or if because I had just had to deal with the ex and was feeling fragile, I just chose to perceive his words as such.
And thirdly, It is my own damned fault for ASSUMING when I was talking about maybe going to the event in Edmonton, that everyone knows what it is and that orgies are not involved.. or sex.. or even fingering...
Fun and Games, navigating all this emotional baggage my marriages have left me..

Lupercalia 2012

My dear friend and I journeyed to Edmonton for Lupercalia, an event organized by Edmonton O Society for kinky adults.  We have been saving our pennies in order to attend and have been horribly excited/apprehensive about attending.
We drove all day, of course, but finally reached the hotel, frantically readied ourselves for the first event...
The event was... Amazing.
I have been long overdue for an adventure.  Besides having a zillion heart attacks just getting to the Raddison, due to things like city traffic, lol, i have never travelled with this pal. So that in itself was a lovely adventure, thankfully we came home with a stronger friendship, not a ruined one   It is amazing to be able to talk freely about some of our own adventures, and to know that neither is judging the other and that we get the dynamics of play, even if your preferences and styles are much different on some levels. 
The first night was the Luper, the Roman Festival. My pal is amazingly lady .  I spent maybe  thirty bucks and she made these kick*ss togas.  The shoulder strap is actually little handcuffs from a belt she dismantled. 

We were given a bag of little coins, and got to go around 'gambling' from booth to booth.  You could choose to gamble however many coins, and if you 'won' the contest or passed the challenge you got more coins... Most coins at the end of the night wins.
There was penis toss, Cock Racing (you have to put a rubber chicken between your knees and race around the pylons.. with a chicken hat on.. very...um.. hilarious to watch),and many other fun booths.
We never made it to a booth ourselves, but truly, we were pretty overwhelmed watching.  Some of the togas were incredible!  They had their contest, my dear friend was awarded 'honorable mention' for the female garment (hers is just like mine but purple and she LOOKS the part.) There was a parade to the 'dungeon' and we got to browse the 'market'.
We wandered the market, people were incredibly friendly without that meat market feel.  No pressure.   There were neat things there.  Of course all kinds of spanking things, from ooooooh!!!! to HOLY SHIT NOT EVER!!!!
I bought some really cheap stuff (little mini things, cuz they are cute and collected cards from many of the vendors. I have a wish list like you have never seen!  There was this awesome band there, the music is awesome sex music (not sure if that is a girl thing, a bdsm thing or if that makes sense to you, but the music is very... yummy) I bought one CD and my pal another. 
OOOH and a pile of books!!

There was this amazing stall with all these rope chokers with bells, amazing wooden paddles that are made from exotic woods and we spoke with those vendors at length.  Amazing people!   Another lady makes corsets to fit, but they are out of my student budget at the moment.  There was another booth with all sorts of floggers with lovely goth look, chains on the braiding of the handles and so forth.  We stopped and got some mouthy Tshirts from another vendor, browsed the many floggers, paddles, collars, you name it.
Then we slowly and timidly headed into the dungeon. (Dungeon rules are no penetration at all, so keep that in mind as you read my take)
It was kinda ... empty.  
BUT OMG!!!
A bit of overload, really.  You walk in and first, there is sound.  The sound of spankings, moaning, squealing, giggling, chains moving, leathery sounds, rustling of vinyl from costumes, the whimpers and mewling that you know... seems to come with sexual activity.  It took me a few minutes to process the sounds...
Then you start to take in what you are seeing...People tied to St. Andrew Crosses, nude, partially nude and mostly nude.  People in cages, people bent over desks, strapped to tables and benches... I nearly swooned at it.  All those sounds, such an amazing thing, to stand there and voyeur like that.
Sir RK was lavishing his stylish attention on his lovely slave, whom I had just met, and that also was a treat.
We were pretty exhausted and overwhelmed and did not stay long that night....

DAY TWO
We were jolted out of our exhausted sleep about 430 in the morning as the previous occupants of our room had kindly left the alarm clock set for us.  I swear I turned it off after the first piercing alarm, yet it came back on after a short period of time... So I wrestled with that, ha!
We headed off to classes for nine in the morning, still tired but excited! The presenters were incredible, the course content as amazing! I had a lovely time learning new things, having some of my core beliefs challenged, gaining insights into my own cognitive processes, sensory processing and seeing the many friendly people who are demonstrating in so many ways, that they have such caring and respect for their playmates/partner.  The open acceptance on the part of the volunteers, presenters and event goers was amazingly lovely.
We had classes all day, managed to do a tiny bit of browsing, and I hogged the bathroom in an attempt to be ready for the Libertine Ball.

The ball was a riot, the performers were amazing and the costumes were incredible!!!
My favorite costume was the lady in the horse get up, in which her heals were without the post, the costume was amazing and watching her and her partner parade her about was incredibly amazing.  Wow.  The time training for that and wow...just wow.
 WE did go back to the dungeon, we were going to do pictures and that sorta got waylaid.  We watched RK and f play a bit, and then RK and sc a bit, then poor RK was gracious enough (and his lovely f gracious enough) to help me onto the bench and provide me with a very lovely time.
I was spaced out for the majority of it, but I am aware that he cycled through his many implements, and some of them certainly were attention grabbing.  He is lovely at being able to pick things up or slow them down based on body language which was lovely too.  As I had my cycle I even got to keep my knickers mwahahahaha.
I am terrified of the damned cane, after the last fiasco, but he pushed those limits the teeniest bit, and it was all fine.  He calls that damned thing a dragon cane.  I have a love hate relationship with canes.  The very thought makes me more than terrified, but they are also orgasmic... If I can ride the wave-but tears follow... bah and yum, hey...
I bounced out of there, barely touching the ground, mulling over the many things, both from playtime and classtime, and staggered into our room to find that the Undiscovered had pizza and beverages for me!!! How amazing is that!?!  I ate like a piglet, passed out like a child, lol.  Life was good.

Day Three
We managed to sleep in, only because Undiscovered had reminded me about the alarm, lol.  She set her cell phone too, so we got up on time!  Classes were lovely, brunch was a bit awkward as I am way more comfy typing than talking lol.  But we ate with M, R and a stranger, and RK and f joined us after a bit.  We were all loosing that shine of energy and excitement as day three wore on.  Everyone was so sleepy.  I was starting to not feel great (partly my own fault, I was hanging out with Undiscovered, who is a smoker, and I kept going into the smoking room with her.  Silly me, of course, as I am no longer used to that feeling..)
Still, we managed to power through.  We had dinner with RK f and another couple (sorry, I can't remember your names) and pretty much just took our time.  We missed the round table, but I didn't care at that point.
The lovely f asked if I would co-top RK which was very exciting.  He seemed edgy about it, so I happily volunteered to let him paddle me silly first -poor f had already had two nights in a row on the receiving end and besides, she looked amazing in her corset dress...  (and I am a glutton, I admit it!)  So I happily climbed on a bench, and alternated between orgasmy lovely fun, that subspace almost napping relaxation, tears for that damned ruler and the meany followed with the cane (could tell he wanted to be sure that i was not gentle when his turn came, truly.... lol.... ok I am fibbing.. It was all very lovely, barely any struggling-and that was more out of fear.  I DID manage to ride the last half of each set and I think, well I know, that I get the love RK has for the cane.. OMG intense orgasm if you can just... just... ride the pain instead of fight it... and it doesnt stop ... mean mean cane)  I did oh so NOT want him to stop, but alas, my turn was over.. Not sure I had any more moisture left in me either, so likely was a good call on his part.   Besides, he knows I have been uh... out of the loop as it were, and thus oh so out of practice.
After I had my land legs back, f got RK into this leather hood (what a neato contraption!!) and we got him tethered nicely to the bench.  I was nearly bouncing in excitement... It was fun to watch RK react to our teamwork, but I had to speak up, as I am aware of RK's world reknowned "leather ass" and that we were being way too gentle.
I did some lovely poking, and finally decided that a game was in order. So we played the game called, "Angel is a sadistic top and will use this faster and harder until you VERBALLY acknowledge that she has achieved a rating of 6 or more on the 1-10 scale of ouch.  
I could see that lovely f was startled by the vigor needed to achieve a mere 6 from her beloved RK.  It is different for each of us, I know... But I was very surprised that he had broken the very first rule he taught me.
YEARS ago, RK is the one that told me that as a bottom it was MY responsibility to be very HONEST-even when it was difficult for my pride.  That if things were too gentle, I had to say so.  That this is part of the whole process of two people learning how to scene together. So I scolded and lectured, paddled and flogged, got f to do the same, until we got a few tens.
It was yummy.  YUMMY!!! I was grinning and giggling and having way too much fun.  YUM!!Then, sadly it was over, aftercare left us glowy, I cleaned up the bench, f cleaned up the toys and we all parted ways.
I again staggered up to the room, fell face first on the bed and slept the night through.
Day four
Undiscovered had ordered me pizza the night before (I missed in in teh after glow) and scolded me for not eating in her very caring and gentle way. We managed to pack up, giggle and talking, and tried to leave the city.
As I am a pathetic co-driver and as we exited the parking garage in the wrong spot, we ended up driving around Edmonton a couple of times before she found the way out (Thanks RK for the texting directions, lol... We did nearly go to Saskatchewan... I know...) I was laughing so hard as she was being so very sassy to RK's texts (funny how brave us submissive are when we are in a car headed home, lol... Did I get that quote about right Undiscovered??) For a gal who avoided all spanking times in the dungeon she was sure full of sass, which made me laugh harder and thus our exit from town took considerably longer than it should have.
It is good to be home, my tush is fine, thanks! Amazing what ice and vitamin E can do for a gal.   Funny enough, but my shoulder hurts more, although I was somewhat uncomfortable seated in the car.
We talked most of the way home, giddy over it all, really.
A lovely event.  I will be going next year too.

Some men.... Just suck

Some men just suck.
Trust me sweetheart... I am nothing like him... (I am exactly like him, but in some small ways improved, in other small ways much worse).  You are my princess, I cherish you (until you are bound to me, trapped by dependancy), I love your open sexuality, you are so hot (but I will stop loving it, as soon as you come to crave the daily contact), I love how intelligent you are, of course I am not threatened by it (but I will make you suffer for every moment I feel you have bested me, surpassed me or ventured into anything that doesn't include me) I will be strong for you, it is okay to lean on me (and when you do I will mock you then not be there for you).  Let me hold you, be your comfort, it is okay to cry (and then, upon sight of even one tear, I will walk away, disgusted.)
And my favorite.  "I love you."
I don't know what that means to some people, but I for one can't just stop loving someone just because it is difficult.
I hate that I don't get to just turn off how I feel the way certain jackasses seem to be able to do.  I hate that by caring I loose some of my coveted control over my life, that regardless of my lack of enjoyment for tears, pouts, rants, anger, irritation and all that fun break up upheaval I get to experience it all.
Yeah yeah, it will get better.  Yes, I am doing ok, I am moving foward day by day.  But It still irks me.  Why should he get to make all these damned choices, all along, that hurt me and mine? WHY? And worse I think is the guilt... Because I don't really miss him.  The house is so damn peaceful.  So home.  I mean... I hurt but... I am relieved too.  Grateful.  Relaxed.  But guilty...
Why should I be sitting here feeling guilty that I am taking this trip.  I EARNED this trip.  I DESERVE it dammit.. I deserve it far more than he deserves to be able to just bail on us financially and then demand food money from me.  And so what if the card is a bit racked up after.  So what??
I am the one who has to pay it off. My playtime, my bill, my responsibility...
BAH. 
Some men... Just Suck...

*Speechless*

There is just something about waking up, stretching and feeling that swollen tightness bring every nerve alive in ones very, very red backside. To have the first coherent thought of the day be .... oh.....my.
To walk around, unable to really form a thought besides whimsical "yummy", "oooh" and "der", two coffess later, still smiling.  Wiggling that little bit in the chair and thinking wow...
It took me all morning... but my brain is functioning beyond merely stuttering with oooh, and I still am ... really... speechless.

First playdate, really.
And... Wow.

dissapoint me

You bastard

Did I ask you for your lies?

You played hero, you ,

You taught me to be

to believe

You FAKE!

you said, princess

you promised, to be strong

you let me fall

alone

You LIAR

You held me, cherished

You spoke of love, vows

You walked away

No tears

Hero? Not!!

Heros don't run from life

or throw a princess to her knees

and sneer, empty

at her pain

Husband, huh

What a despicable phrase

Am I chattel? Answer!

Without worth?

Fuck you.

You...FUCKER

I did give of myself

I did love, and support

I trusted!!!! TRUSTED you!

and now?

I 'm Done

You don't win, your alone

i won't loose, I LIVE

you disspoint me

I survive

Anticipation

Anticipation... waiting, letting your mind go numb and tingle all at once, will it work? am I scared? Will I beg? Can I do this? Is he safe? How real will it be? Oh my... I can't wait... what if? Maybe I can....Do you think he'll???
Ah, sweet, hot, terrifying anticipation...Even if the reality pales beside imagination (doubt it, just sayin), even if it is silly and giggly and oh so not intense and rather is huge piles of fun, even if it is serious and intense and overwhelming and leaves me a bit lost, even if it is as muggle as a spanking gets, it is all made worth it by that anticipation phase.
The wait.  The nervousness.  The sexiness of open and free flowing communication.  The erotic thoughts, the tingles.. 
Anticipation.. I think that alone is addictive.

Giving power as self empowerment

Just mulling over how this whole power thing works... Funny that it is easy to just assume that by allowing someone to have power or control we must be weak, lesser, victimized and abused and yet... the power of being ABLE to make such a choice, with a partner that does not abuse it, is incredible.
Self empowerment is in so many of the little details.  Taking control of one's own day to day, for certain.  But what about being comforatable with one's needs? Being able to have boundaries that while flexible are not weak? Walking nude across the room in front of someone without any shame, being able to have someone disagree with you without your feeling of self disintegrating...
So many ways to gain self empowerment.
Every choice I make for myself, every stride I take towards being comfortable with who I am and hwa tI need is empowerment.
And.. I like it.. I like it very much.  Long ways to go but..

Taking Power Back from Him

Funny how by the time a relationship hits that point where someone moves out, most women are already way past done.  And yet, after all those years invested, there are still doubts to be looked at, still tears to be shed, still some residual power he holds.
I know Elenor Roosevelt said thtat no one can have power over you unless you give it to them, but How!! how do I take back the power? 
I like to believe that every step I take since his decision, that every victory, every peaceful moment is my taking power back.  I have to trust that eventually this pain, this self doubt will fade.
But it hardly seems fair. i never talked to other men.  I did not give up on him ever.  I didn't believe in castles and princesses or heros with dragon slaying swords before him.  HE is the one that made me believe.
And then. 
He not only took it away, but gave me every damn thing he ridiculed from my past.  I have never been so let down in my 40 years on this planet, and I am not a stranger to pepole making piss poor choices, myself included.
I poor over my diaries, letters we exchanged, replay every discussion and I just don't understand what I did to deserve this. What is it about me that brings out the rage in men? The misogynistic attitude they all seem to bring to me, AFTER rebuilding me just enough to believe is beyond my comprehension...
So many things in hindsight were huge warning signs.  But really, why is it tha ti need to be spending every romantic moment on hyper alert?  REally?? He took eight years of my life, demanding more and more and giving less and less and yet I am being cast as the evil villain.
I want my power back! 

Yes, Mom's Do Have Sex

An interesting aspect of going from being part of a couple to being single when there are children involved, is watching the children to to fill the adult role left vacant. 
Even when they are adult children, no longer living at home, there seems to be some sort of trigger that goes off in their brain, telling them that their remaining parent NEEDS them to be the adult.
I can't speak for other divorced mothers, of course.  But it will be a cold day in Jamaica when I need a child to tell me how to behave and what is permissible for me to do.
I was out for a drink with a male, when my son, who is an adult himself, was told by someone who spotted me that I was (gasp) in a pub with a man.  My cell phone was non stop the entire time. After my drink/date/meet I went to have a talk with my dear son. We will call him JAY.
Jay "Who was that you were with"
Me. "A date."
Jay, "You can't date! You're a Mom!"
Me, "You know that is ridiculous, right?"
Jay, "I don't want to be out and see you on a 'date'"
Me,"So stay at home then."
Jay, "Where did you meet that guy, What is his name?"
Me, "Listen here, Kiddo.  I am a 40 year old single woman who has needs.  I will go where I want, see who I want, when I want and like hell are you going to make me accountable to you for any of it.  I have the right, as an adult, to make these choices."
Jay, "I still want to know where you met him."
Me, "Be careful what you ask son, I will answer you.... I met him online."
Jay, "WHAT? On a Dating SITE???"
Me. "You really want to know?"
Jay, "Mom I am on dating sites! That is just wrong!"
Me, "I doubt you are on this one.  I met him on a kink website."
Jay, "........."
Me "I was trying to talk him into taking me home for a spanking. Anything else you want to know?"
Jay, "MOOOOM!!!!"
Me. "Yes?"
I doubt he will ask me again, lol.

I am a dork, I know it.

So, call me a dork.  I don't care! I am, and I know it.  I like my textbooks.  I like intelligent words and words used intelligently.  Go ahead, laugh when I pronounce words incorrectly.  I know WHY I do, can you figure it out?
I love making up my own words.  I love giganormous hugs and angelisms.  I think somedays are filled with nerventures that can leave a person feeling positively glowiant. Why not?
Yes I cry at cartoon music videos, yes I think laughter DOES belong in the bedroom and tears can be cried silently.  I <3 dungeons and dragons, wizards and magic! I can't draw a stick man, but there is art in my head that I try to find ways to let out.
No, I don't think it is a bad thing to REALLY be laughing out loud during emailing, texting or chatting when I have types LOL.  That IS what LOL means people.  YES I think YOu should follow the rules and I should not have to.  YES I damned well know I am a pain in the ass, high maintenance, demanding, goofy and sometimes ridiculous.
So, what?
I am a dork... Sue me.
LOL (literally)