I wasn't ever going to write this. I
have a list of reasons why keeping quiet is the best of choices.
* Some of you are going to point out
what I should have done.
* And a few of you will back away from
me so that my truth doesn't somehow tarnish you.
* The resulting shit storm will hurt
me, hurt others who have had similar experiences, hurt my loved ones
* I don't want to relive this-not any
of it
* I am tired of being asked victim
blaming questions.
* The person that assaulted me is
sometimes an angry, loud person and I don't want to deal with them.
* I don't want to be uncomfortable in
the community spaces
* I don't want this type of attention
* It still hurts, I don't feel like
hurting any more.
* There will be people who make
disparaging comments, disbelieve, doubt, blame and otherwise add to
the problem and I don't want to know who, of all my friends, will do
these things (ignorance is bliss).
* Talking about this makes me feel like
crap. I am a positive person, I just want to move past it
* It wasn't rape, so according some
some I cannot call myself a survivor-I am forever to be a victim and
that type of 'I was hurt worse' pisses me off
* I didn't yell, hit, fight, scream.
(And I still strongly feel I should not be required to).
* I don't want the drama
* When I tried to share this with
someone I really respect, they were of the opinion that 'not (so and
so)! He's (not like that, wouldn't do that, valuable to the
community, I've never seen that from him)
* Thanks to the few I initially
approached, and their advice to just keep quite, deal with it myself,
not cause a stir, to be understanding, to just avoid this person, I
already know that this person's privilege is larger than my own.
(They are being grated the privilege of acceptance and support of the
community while I am told that my safety is my problem. They have the
shelter of the community while I apparently do not)
My list goes on and on, all these
reasons to keep quiet about what has been going on. More and more I
was hearing stories of this particular individual. More and more I
wanted to know why this person was being allowed the shelter of the
community in which they behave this way. Then I started hearing more
and more personal truths from other victims who have fun afoul of
this person. I started to really discuss this problem with a couple
of people (Firm-Hand Buddha of course being one). All of my reasons
are bullshit. I am already being told what I should have could have
done, I am already being asked victim blaming questions. Every time
I have to see him or deal with his crap I am forced to relive every
assault and feel the hurt and fear and panic all over again. I am
already uncomfortable in our community spaces because of him. So
forth and so on.
So.. it is with tears, a pounding heart
that I am reversing my stance on this.
Because I finally get that my silence
is just as bad as the communities silence and acceptance. My silence
feeds the silence of the next person and the person before.
My silence adds to the problem. So
Fuck That. I will be silent no more.
### My Truth
Although the first inappropriate
comments started years ago when I was still married, at the (3rd?)
event hosted by a large Edmonton group, I am only going to share the
details from the last three years. The person I am talking about has
had various positions in the community that lend him perceived
authority, and implied respect of some leaders in our local BDSM
community. This person is male and a self proclaimed dominant. I do
not hang out with him. I have never dated him, never played with
him, never asked him for play, instruction or social time. I have
never flirted with him, never cast coy glances at him. I am polite
to him (usually, unless provoked). I have no idea what about me
makes him feel comfortable doing these things. I am not naming this
person, but I know from previously sharing my experience without
names or identifying details that MANY of you know exactly who I
mean, and that is part of why I am speaking up... Because statements
like
“Oh, you mean XYZ? Yeah, we all know
he/she is a predator” are part of the issue.
2012
This person approached me while I was
waiting outside of a workshop for my Sir. In a loud boisterous tone
he demanded to know why I wasn't in the workshop, throwing his arm
around my waist and grinning. I explained I was waiting for my Sir,
and moved away from him. Rather than letting me go, he tightened his
grip. Told me to 'not be silly' and to 'get to class', making a
motion as if he was going to usher me into class. I was not
impressed, turned and moved away from him, saying something about
waiting for FHB. I didn't think anything of it. As an isolated
event it is minor and easily explained away. He is, afterall,
involved in some way in the event, the leaders all speak to him, he
was just being friendly, (albeit a bit aggressively). I felt
uncomfortable but being a good sport I tried to pay it no heed. I do
know it bothered me enough that I mentioned it to FHB when we saw him
in the hallway (That's the guy that demanded I go into the
classroom).
2013
I had just had a wonderful play scene
at a public play event with my Sir, FHB. I do not remember exactly
what was going on, but I was pretty sub space glowy. FHB asked me to
grab the cleaning supplies. I was not dressed, as our scene was just
wrapping up. As I went to grab the supplies from the dungeon table,
this same person grabbed me, arm around my waist snugging me into
their side. “When are WE going to get the chance to play?” he
asked. This person was in the DM Vest, and I can still feel it
pressed against my skin, the cold material pressed against the side
of my breast. I don't remember what I said. Something along the
lines of a No (No? HAHA NOT? NEVER? Not EVEN?). I stumbled back to
FHB with the cleaning supplies. I am not clear when I shared with
him what had happened. I do know I had no idea what to do. He was a
person with 'power'. He touched me. He touched me while I was nude
and still basking in my partner's touch. He touched my body, and I
still don't understand why.
I was understandably upset. Up until
that moment I had believed this space was safe- I thought it was a
safe place to be naked, to play with my Sir and give myself to the
moment. There are rules. Don't touche what isn't yours.. Don't
touch. Don't touch me.
He touched me.
I felt wrong. My skin was wrong, my
brain was wrong. I felt as if I had done something terrible. I
don't usually need a whole bunch of aftercare from play but I
certainly needed it that night-but not from the play. There I was,
having been beaten, paddled, flogged-tormented until I was a sobbing
mess of sensation, begging nonsensically, and I didn't need aftercare
for the scene, but *I was an utter mess that this person, this guy
I barely new had felt it was ok to touch my naked body.* Naked,
my own dampness still between my legs, FHB's bruises fresh on my
body, and THIS MAN touched me. Why? Why me? What can I do to make
sure this doesn't happen again? He touched me...
FHB and I left. We cuddled and talked
and I was just... stunned. It felt (and still feels) surreal. Why
the fuck would someone do that? Someone that damn well knows better,
yet touched me, when I was not even done with my scene, while I was
naked and demanded play? Why? FHB was beyond shocked. In this
community there are protocols. You don't just grab someone else's
LIVE IN 24/7 submissive. In ANY community grabbing a nude person who
is in the middle of an intimate moment with someone else, is just not
fucking done.
When we shared this with our friends
they didn't have any suggestions, although they certainly didn't
stand up for that man's actions.
Understand that this impacted me
greatly. FHB and I are still talking about it, two years later,
though, because this changed things. I rarely get naked in public
play spaces now. NEVER if this person is around. If we are playing
at a public event and I hear this man's voice, I am done.
We lived out of town, so it was at
least a month before we came back. And I was nervous. Not that good
kind of 'doing something new or hard' nervous-but that sort of alert
nervous that you have when you are in danger.
The next few events I attended where he
was he didn't even talk to me. My guard went down. I started to
believe this was an aberration in behaviour and that it would be ok.
I even did business with this person when my friends (who new of the
above incident) recommended we speak to this person about a play
item we wanted made.
Big Mistake.
I had sent the specs via email, but
Email wasn't good enough for this guy. It had to be a phone call
although I was clear that I am not comfortable calling, he INSISTED.
I gave up and took the matter to my Sir. FHB handled the call.
This person still mocks me about this,
and has shared my anxiety attack over phone calls with others. FHB
took over the transaction, as I just... couldn't. This fucker was
triggering me all over, and getting a kick out of it.
See, he has already demonstrated he has
no respect for my boundaries in a variety of ways. Touching me
without invitation (first time, can write off and I was dressed,
second time wtf?), demanding that I disobey my D/s partner when he
full well understands what a power exchange is, demanding I call him
and then, when I share a personal detail, that calling strangers
gives me huge anxiety, disclosing that information to others. I
already am very uncomfortable in a room with this person. I am
already afraid of what they will do next.
2014
I can't share all the details because
to do so clearly outs who this person is, which is against FL policy,
but this person demonstrated that they cannot be trusted with a
community responsibility they had, which actually soured both FHB and
I towards volunteering. He demonstrated that he is unethical.
Period. We were absent for some months after that event, in
preparation for our move
Then we moved here and were attending
more munches and meets.
This same person would demand hugs (I'd
decline) and they are loud and petulant about it. “What? You
won't hug me?” Then they would thankfully ignore me. I have heard
them do the same to others.
Then, at one munch in fall, when I was
walking to the social area with FHB, this person walks up, grabs me
around the waist and spins so we are now facing FHB, who has THAT
look (the what the fuck are you doing look). I have my hands held up
and away in that universal “I am not touching this person” pose
as this guy squishes me to his side and jovially tries to converse
with FHB. After a moment, when it became apparent this jerk wouldn't
let me go, FHB took half a step forward and this guy drops his arms
and greets someone else and wanders off, leaving FHB and I staring at
each other in a moment of shared disbelief.
We immediately talked about this. FHB
offered to deal with this guy, but FHB and I both realize that that
if he intervenes that this jackass will not be likely to leave me
alone when I am not at FHB's side. Wanting to not need a man to
protect me (wtf, is this the 17th century?) I chose to try
to deal with this guy myself.
So later that mumch, when the guy sat
by me I asked if he had a moment. I said, “please, just stop
grabbing me.” He stomped off muttering about how I must wish he'd
grab me. I was hopeful that this time he got it loud and clear. I
felt a bit wierded out by how everyone just pretended nothing had
happened.
The next few meets, no problem. He was
back to ignoring me which suited me just fine.
Then, I was running a class. This
person wanted to attend. They were aggressive in their phrasing that
they wanted a partner for the class. Although I had clearly stated
that they did not need a partner, and I had clearly stated the
address for class, He kept insisting that I call him, bringing up
with derision my aversion to phone calls.
By now I have been hearing other tales
about this person. MANY. At least a dozen females have shared their
stories of this 'gentleman' violating their consent, invading their
personal space, aggressively demanding play or sexual acts. Some of
these cases are clear cases of assault. (for any curious, grabbing me
while I was naked, while this person had authority in the space we
were in is a clear cut case of assault. He touched me without my
consent)
Frustrated, I emailed him, refusing to
call. I clearly stated that I was also not interested in providing
him with a partner, nor describing the persons available to partner
with. I made it clear I was not impressed with his instance that I
call, either.
He was very hostile about it. Claiming
he did not have the address (which was in the same thread he
responded in). He never did show and I was so very damned grateful
for this.
Then, less than month later at a munch,
I am sitting on a small bench and he sits beside me, pressing his
entire fucking body into mine so that my entire right side is
touching his. He does this with enough aggression that I actually
have to brace myself in order to maintain my upright position.
I am pissed. I am fucking tired of him
touching me, grabbing me, demanding I hug him, and being a fucking
prick and a half. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of moving.
I maintain the most neutral expression I can, feeling a flashback to
being a child of a parent with a pretty nasty personality disorder
and having to always have an empty smile or else shit got nasty. I
remain calm on the outside. I am not even sure what he said, I was
so focused on being calm, on not giving him a fucking inch.
When he left, demanding I come speak to
him (can't explain way for the same reason above) a dear friend was
all “wow, you two are getting along”. I explained my reasoning.
Maybe, seeing as my shock, my fear, my feeling of terror were not
getting anywhere, seeings as 'no' doesn't work.. perhaps if I ignore
it. I was not very optimistic, but was running out of things to try.
By this time I had already broached the matter with the group lead,
asking for advice of how to deal with this kind of crap and was told,
“We are adults, we should be able to sort this out ourselves”
(And I even agree, but all parties have to behave like adults for
this to work-and this guy is not behaving like an adult. He is
behaving like a two year,. Touching anything he wants and not
listening when told no). I was really wanting to believe that this
would be the end of the problem
I stopped going to munches. I even
made excuses to not attend a couple of events we knew he'd be at. I
missed out on a private gathering because he was at it. I began to
withdraw from the local scene and focused on my own rope club and
enjoying my time with friends who are very consent orientated. I
hated it, this evasion of the community activities, but hey... a gal
has got to look out for herself.
2015
Not two months later at yet another
event I was with FHB and two others. I was kneeling on the floor
passing them things. Suddenly someone is pressed to my back, their
hand wrapped around the front of my throat, holding my throat and the
side of my face. I started, jerking and heart beat going.
I am fighting serious panic reflex-this
is a serious fucking trigger for me that FHB had (we thought) gotten
me past with his gentle perserverance and by respecting my
limitations. In that moment, with this strange hand touching my
face, holding the front of my neck, a strange body looming behind me,
I was beyond reason. Everything seems fragmented. FHB started to
stand, the girl beside me moved towards me. Then the guy was gone.
No hands on me, no touching. Just a voice all casual as he moved
away, babbling about a shelf or something. It was him, and he was
(so I am told by FHB and the lady with me), that he was moving in to
kiss me. WTF!!! We all sat there stunned for a moment. Then arms I
trust were holding me (FHB? My lady friend? Not even sure which).
Freaked me out in ways I have no words for. I don't remember how we
got from there to the event portion of the evening. I do know I was
pretty glued to FHB's side for the rest of the event.
I spend the entire event muted. Every
room I entered my heart beat went up and I scanned for this guy. I
didn't want to go anywhere without my Sir. (some will remember that I
did not fare so well with that, as FHB ended up trapped at the house
with a dead furnace the next day). I was scared to go back to the
area this guy was in, even though I was supposed to be keeping an
eye on things and had responsibilities there. I pretty much handed
those off to my lady friend and did everything I could to avoid this
SOB.
We went through the motions. We did
not want to feed into the already drama laden event with it, so we
tried to just function around this. At no point in this event did
what happened leave my mind. FHB and I discussed our plans and how
to mitigate this guys bullshit, and decided I would certainly not be
nude around him. (and of course during costume changing, who should
come hang out right beside us? I had to change in the bathroom as if
I was shamed of my body). I turned down play and rearranged some
play so that I could minimize how much impact this guy could have on
me. I struggled with the two scenes I was in, to stay focused on the
bottoms I interacted with, because his voice in the crowd would throw
me off. (Apologies to those who noted, if they noticed, this
difference).
The last night of the event this person
then spoke to me like nothing had happened. They acted as if we were
buddies. This left me disorientated and terrified. If they can't
even see that what they did was fucking wrong as hell, … I have no
words.
I have since emailed this person,
stating that I and FHB need him to stop touching me, regardless of
the context. He replied that he has no idea what I mean, that he has
not touched me, regardless of the context, but that it won't happen
again.
I don't believe him.
Recently we went to a small gathering,
and there he was. I sat next to my partner, tried to ignore him.
After an hour he started the rounds, moving slowly closer to where we
were. He has this skill of appearing reasonable when he is actually
gas lighting. He asked me to help him grab a desert that was on our
side of the table. I did, smiling my blank stare. FHB was instantly
on high alert. We gave up. We left.
I hate to admit it, but I am simply not
going to go to anything he could be at. We (FHB and I) switched
which events we go to. We spend more time at one group due to having
pals there, but I cannot continue like this. I cannot sit there
pretending to be ok, getting more and more bitter by the moment. So
now we are hanging out elsewhere. In places we know this 'man' won't
be. We are not ever going to play in the events this person attends.
I cannot see us going to munches that this person frequents, or
presenting at events they have authority in.
No, he didn't rape me.
As someone who has survived rape, both
the violent media worthy kind and the more common wasn't a stranger
but he would not take no for an answer kind, I can tell you this
feels just as horrific as any other situation I have been in.
This person is smart. They know how to
manipulate others to being their support. They have 'done so much'
for the community, you see. They volunteer, they have 'cred' because
of it. They have perceived authority, from their volunteerism, their
positions in the community, from their 'mentoring', from their age
and the length of time they have been welcome in the community. They
know how to gaslight. They change up their approach, giving you just
enough time to think that it's safe now, that maybe you imagined the
slimy-ness of their actions before. Then they do it again. They
have built a little support group for themselves, so that when people
like me are upset by their non consensual touching, grabbing and
sexual bullshit they can count on their friends to have their back,
leaving their victims cast out of the club.
But do you know what? I am ok with
that. If my truth is unwelcome at your group, so be it. If you feel
the need to defend him and tell me to 'suck it up', that is fine. I
choose me over him. I choose my peace of heart over attending events
he is at. I choose self respect over presenting at events he helps
with. I choose these things. And because the only way I can be sure
that his hands, his body, will NEVER EVER FUCKING touch me again is
to not be around him ever, then so be it.
You see, I never know, when I enter a
BDSM event or gathering, if this guy will be there. I never know
what I will get when he is there. Will I just be ignored? Will I be
grabbed again? Will he again mock me, make sexually aggressive
statements? Will he approach someone I care about and do the same
fucked up things? I try to prepare myself, so that I can do all the
wonderfully aggressive things that so many well meaning people insist
I do.
But in those moments, I am too fucking
shocked, too triggered, to do much. I am having bad dreams, I am
struggling now with intense anxiety. I have struggled with my school
work, with my many projects and responsibilities and now I am just
starting to figure out that the assault and harassment this guy has
sent my way has a great deal to do with my less optimistic, defeated
self. I don't have any fight to give him.
And guess what? I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO
DO ANYTHING because he should not fucking do these things. My
sitting there is not an invitation. My naked body is not an
invitation. I am not doing any fucking thing wrong, why is it up to
me to smarten this guy up? Please, explain to me how it is my
personal responsibility to put up with his shit or to make him stop.
### Advice on What I can do? No thanks
I know that many of you who have
offered me advice on how to stop him next time mean well. I know you
speak from your heart. I love you for it.
I don't think telling me how to address
this next time is appropriate. There should be no next time. Hell
there shouldn't have been a last time or the times before.
When you tell me, “you should do/say
xyz” you are implying that this continues to happen because of MY
behaviour. This is not so. I have watched other people yell at this
guy, telling him to “FUCK OFF” or “IN YOUR DREAMS”. Yet,
they still receive the unwelcome attention of this person. I have
yet to see this type of predator respond to 'fuck off' or yells of
red. They have support, they know how to manipulate things. Look at
what happened-you are telling me how to not be assaulted, rather than
telling him how to not assault. I can't control his choices-and I
should not be expected to.
I am not the one responsible for his
actions. My own personal responsibility in this situation is exactly
as follows:
* The first time, in saying no. Which
I did. And was ignored.
* To do what I have to, in order to be
safe. I am. I will be leaving any event he arrives at or attends.
If I cannot leave, I will ensure I am not EVERY alone with him and
leave as soon as able.
* To not be part of the problem. I am
not longer silent about this. I will not be part of the problem by
remaining silent and pretending what he is doing is 'not a big deal'.
* To talk to the Person In Charge. In
three of these cases he WAS the person in charge. Additionally I did
try to talk to persons with equal or greater positions. I was
advised to figure it out myself. To not 'cause drama'.
My 'personal responsibility' does not
include being required to govern his behaviour with violence of word
or action. This shit is not my fault and I am absolutely not taking
responsibility for his harassment of me, or his behaviour towards
many, many others.
PS: IF you are the one who did these
things to me, shame on you.
No, it is too late to call me. Too
late to message me, too late to email me and talk about this. I
tried. I tried to be 'understanding'. I tried various tactics in
order to mitigate the harm you did me. And I say, FUCK THAT. I
don't want your apology. I want to never interact with you again.
EVER. If you can't respect that I am going to seek an order to
ensure that you do respect that.
Want to fix this? Then take a look at
yourself.
I am actually a strong, independent,
intelligent and caring person. You hurt me. You, over a period of
three years have demonstrated a pattern of abusive and predatory
behaviour. You ignore personal boundaries, (reasonable to thus
believe you would violate BDSM boundaries as well). You touch me
without consent. This occurs more often when you have been having a
drink or (two?) and that does not fucking excuse you. You feel as if
all the persons telling you no and pointing out your shit are being
asses to you rather than to face that YOU DO THIS. YOU touch without
consent. YOU ignore 'no'. YOU are inappropriately aggressive in
your pursuit of gratification at the expense of others. YOU hurt
people.
