Accidental Submission

I am the only person who can choose, willingly and openly, to seek out a NSA (no strings attached) playmate and accidentally end up in what certainly feels like a very intense service to a Dominant.

It's accidental submission...

There I was, you see, wandering around, minding my own business, after some local and mild playtime (you know, some princessy spoiling, now that I am a high maintenance attention whore) and lots of spankings..Met a gent after some mild negotiating... very clear we both were.. NSA, not looking to just hook up-friendship, talking, cuddling yes please.. NSA NSA NSA (and yes!! I was thrilled!! I am not relationship material! I just am not!!)

And here I am three days later, sorta accidentally submitted to someone that sorta accidentally dominated, sorta accidentally for three days and now??

Now here I am, strangely unafraid, wierdly not too worried (HAHAHAHAHA where are those damned runners?) with only one little bitty spanking-and yet he has somehow become My Sir and I his sub..

There are phrases being used that should have me running like hell.  (WHAT? I am NOT  "A Sub" I just get kinda submissive when spanked...oh wait... there was no spanking to blame... )

Speaking of which.. Anyone that has spanked me, talked to me about spanking, read my writing or watched me get spanked knows that spanking just flat out does it for me.  It just does. 

I would have said, that spanking would be my pre-rquisite.. (hahah, I ammend that to say , I do and certainly have insisted that) That any playmate of mine had best be offering spankings... Yet... hours and hours of play later, I have had one very small spanking last night) from my Sir who has never had a gal over his knee (How can anyone who has NEVER played this way be so damned natural at it?) and I am still a smling, glowy mess.

Friend "So how was your non date?"

Me "It was quite yummy.. Kinda D/s...Well ok.. Very D/s"
 
Friend "oooh! Nice!  Good Spanker?"

Me "Dunno..  Not sure it matters." *grinz*

Friend "um.. thought this was a spanking friend?"

Me " Me too, but I kinda accidentally ended up submissive to his dominant... "

Friend. ."What? Accidentally? You make it sound like you slipped off his lap and landed on a D/s contract."

Me. "...."

Flirting.. Blushing.. Oh My

Is it just me? Or is the flirting and talking that leads up to a meeting almost (and sometimes equal or more) as much fun as the kinky playtime meet?
Those sexy words, flirty comments, provocative phrases and threats, all making me tingle, a blush spreading across my skin.  I smile, giggle, have bounce in my step.
I wait, hoping for another message... Heart pounding when my phone beeps "oooh I have mail!!!"  Like a teenager with her first crush, my thoughts fill with possibilities, some from my own twisted imagination, some fueled by your words, your unique blend of remdiners of what has happened already and what you intend to happen in the future...You 'get' me well enough to know what gets me going... the mere promise of trouble, a naughty word, a shaerd experience.. oh ..oh..oh.. my...
Vivid pictures fill my mind, my face flames 'three shades of red' my heart piter patters, my breath catches in my throat and I tingle.. nipples tightening, all this yummy flirtatious talk making me wet, eager and giddy...
All that with an email.. A text...
Oh yum... I love the flirting and leading up.  Yes Sir, i do!

Forgiveness

Dear T ,
I realize that you are not likely to ever 'allow' me to say this to you, really.. but...
I forgive you.
I forgive you for everything, every last tear, every denial, every pointed finger.  I really and truly hope you find a way to learn, grow and love.  Know that I do forgive you, and that although I no longer am willing to go back to our marriage, my heart still holds caring for you-be well.

Open Letter to The Creepy Dom

Dear GG aka Creepy Dom from Alt,
I just want to go on the record as pointing out to you that I was VERY honest in our fist communication, in which I clearly stated that I was not interested in a 'romantic' relationship as I felt I "still have much growing and healing to do before I can bring to a relationship a healthy me".  When you insisted that I must understand that I NEED a man (you) I got cranky with you, and you finally admitted that you 'understood' my pov. 
As days went on, every time you would slip into the lovey dovey side of things I would remind you that I am not going there.  I stayed honest.
Then, oh creepy one, you decided to nag me on Yahoo Messenger to web cam with you.  When I declined you typed... (Cut and paste sirrah, so don't bother arguing) And let us keep in mind that previous to this our conversations had been quite chaste, really.  No cyber sexerdoodling (why? cuz I don't do that silly stuff!)..

Missed Video call with (1SirCreep
SirCreep :go make yourself decent for me
SirCreep let's just use the cam here so much easier10:18:51 PM
Mel: no you willno-
Missed Video call with SirCreep (10:18:33 PM)Missed Video call with SirCreep (10:19:01 PM)10:19:28 PM SirCreep huh10:19:32 PM
Me: no!10:19:52 PM
SirCreep: you don't think you look good ehI  i am always confident of myself10:20:18 PM
Me: You know... no is no! 10:20:20 PM
SirCreep : never have image issues10:20:34 PM
Me: It is not image issues10:20:37 PM
SirCreep: yes it  is10:20:46 PM
SirCreep you don't think you look good enough10:20:49 PM
Me: I am not obligated to webcam mister10:21:02 PM Me : bah10:21:05 PM
SirCreephow long will it take you to get yourself ready10:23:38 PM
Me: I am not going to10:24:05 PM
SirCreep: yes you are, you will do as you are told brat10:24:07 PM
SirCreep: do as you are told10:24:41 PM
Me:: I may be submissive, but that does not mean I am submissive to the planet!!10:25:31 PM
SirCreep : no but to me you are10:25:40 PM
Me: How do you figure?10:25:50 PM Me : *she waits, curious to hear this*10:26:05 PM
SirCreep: you want a man like me, and you know what it takesI to be with one so get yourself in line10:26:42 PM
Me: hmm... you seem to be missing the part where bonding happens, trust is built, agreements are made10:26:54 PM
SirCreep: i am a natural dom i take the woman i want it is that simple
Missed Video call with SirCreep (10:48:50 PM)10:49:16 PM
me: you know I am NOT accepting10:49:20 PM
SirCreep : i know, you need to be trained10:49:29 PM
me: I don't like that word!10:49:35 PM
SirCreep : yes you do  you need it10:49:42 PM
me: ...10:49:56 PM
SirCreep : contact me when you are going to be compliant10:50:10 PM
me: you would miss my sense of self10:50:13 PM
SirCreep : goodbye10:50:16 PM

Now, Sir Creepy, I get that you were having a rough night, having seen your late wife's family for the first time since the funeral...I assume you were drinking.. I let it go.  You apologized, sorta.. And I accepted, sorta.  But I was more careful.
Then Sir,Creepy, you proceeded to continue with the bullying tactics.  I live in a shit hole, I am broken and you can fix me, I have never had 'real' sex, I have never met a 'real' dominant, I am just suffering with body image issues, I am never going to amount to anything without You, hell you even argued with me over where my Gspot is located.. Really Sir? Having never met me, and not having one of your own, you feel the need to teach this lady how to orgasm?
I again and again pointed out to you that your tactics are mean, underhanded and disrespectful.  I told you to get lost.  You then started leaving me messages on Alt, on Yahoo, and when I deleted my alt profile you had a tantrum about me blocking you.  When I blocked you on yahoo you got a new email address. 
Just so you could tell me that you have a new lady who is not fat, unlike me.  That she has class, not like me.  That all I have is this little town filled with beer gut oilfield guys. 
Well thank you, for making sure I was VERY happy with my call to run like hell from you.  Nice class act you got going there.
You Sir are a creepy Dom. 
Sincerely

Canes and Shock

Sorta Real, Sorta took some creative licence, different style of writing...

He stood, took me by the wrist and headed to the kitchen with me in tow...he reached my queen anne chair, pulled that out with one hand, sat down and drew my unresisting body over his knee...snugged me in and said, "mmm..nice view" (skirt was way short) which made me blush.
He swatted me for a bit..skirt sorta covering my butt...got bored of that after about ten minutes (me purring the whole time lol) so he drew my skirt up and stepped up the intensity..
He its a talker so the whole time he is"you have such an amazing ass...its that getting a little sensitive? No? Are you laughing you brat? hmm not laughing now...oh you are so wet ..what kind of naughty girl gets wet from getting a spanking?"
Just when I am starting to breath into every sting he yards be back to reality by winding his hands in my hair  and lifting me til I am making eye contract and said..."do you know what wet...naughty...girls get??"  And he grabbed his new strap...showed it to me....then scooped me in one motion (gasp from me..that startled eep sound that only girls make...) And carries me to the bed
Puts me on my knees feet towards him..lifts my hips and shoves me forward at the shoulders...which leaves me ass up, skin pulled tight cuz of position..hands splayed forward..so exposed..the whole time commenting on how incredibly accessible I am in this position, telling me how he can see by how wet I am that I am oh do not taking this seriously...petting my very warm butt, letting his hands just barely brush over yummy places, repositioning a little and then a rather holy shit swat with that strap..waits for me to breath..to move my hips that wee bit and again..each time waiting for my exhale before landing another slightly harder slightly lower...until I am hyper ventilating a little struggling to breathe it through..making mewly noises...then he stops..soothing his hands over my butt and back..telling me how good I have been..his sexy...petting and soothing..then starts again..bit more sexy petting..some fingers..some biting on my overly sensitive cheeks
And again sooth and repeat until  I am an orgasm mess, my ass a glowing red, my body limp and submissive, being cuddled and soothed.
So I am laying there, scratches down my arms (I scratch myself, the sheets, legs, you, whatever is handy... to the point where I keep my nails VERY short because of it).. I come back to myself, and giggle, hearing my panting/whimpering noise I didn't know I was even making... awareness comes back in stages when you hit 'subspace' (google it) As I can focus a little I toss a smile at my friend, who takes that as "I am all good! Keep Going!" (which it was). He tosses a couple of pillows to the middle of the bed, talking to 'himself'
"Hmmm... Will those lift your little hips high enough do you think?  perhaps another.... need a Verrrrryyyy goood view"... He plumps the pillows then slaps a freaking cane down on the bed right in front of my face.
Now.. this is where having a playmate that 'gets you' is oh so much fun.
I have a very love/hate relationship with canes.
There is that yummy tingling aprehension combined with anticipation...
Unlike spanking, though.. canes hurt. Not broken bones hurting, but still...
So just seeing it, hearing the sound it made going through the air and as it hits the bed, has me shook... Internal thoughts going in circles, do I trust him? Do I want to do this? oh I want to.. I am excited, my heart is pounding so hard, I can feel that tingle blush spread up my body (sigh, nice that I can't hide that feeling either... Someone is mean and calls it my girl version of a hardon... *sniff*) but I am scared too, or perhaps apprehensive is a better word. my skin dews up (nervous, who me?) and I can picture how UNDIGNIFIED this is going to be.. a Girl does not make only nice movements and sounds for a cane.  This girl HATES being undignified...
I am so busy with my thoughts that I hadn't realized HE was talking to ME, until a hand snugs in the back of my hair, lifting me until I am upright, kneeling on the bed and stretched up and back slightly so he can make some rather serious eye contact. 
"Do I have your attention now, little one?" he asks, with that smirk that guys get that is SO ANNOYING.. but I swallow that (don't lip of men with sticks, right?) and purr, "oh yes you have my attention Sir, you do!!" and I smile and blink, getting a throaty chuckle and a tightening of his grip on my hair which of course gets a small whimpery gasp sound.."Then you need to do what I asked, do you not?" He says in that low voice that means he is going to 'play the game'
See.. .I have learned something about sexually dominant men.  There is a game they play called, "you can't win little girl, it is not fair, it is not supposed to be fair-that is the point"
The point is to hammer in that helpless feeling, to really get the gal's brain understanding that she is oh so not in charge right now.  It is a fun game, lol. But I struggle with that childish need to say, in my best whiny voice, "nooooooo So VERY not FAIR!!!!!!"
But Play the Game I do so I answer, "I am very sorry sirrah, but I have no clue what you asked me, I was still blissed out from your attentions." (ha, i think to myself, make THAT my fault)
"Did I ASK you for your excuse, little one?"
(grrr... not fair not fair)  "ummm.. no sir you did not."
"Then you need to do what I asked"
(hmm... should I guess? or sass?)  "uh.. yessir.. I hear you" which has him releasing my hair so suddenly that I fall forward, in a very ungraceful heap on the bed and I HATE that and he knows it dammit... I gather my dignity, feeling that delightful mix of anticipation verses nervousness and decide sass is more fun.  So I stand up stretch a little and head towards the the kitchen for water.
"guess again Angel" he smirks at me...
"umm.. bathroom break?" i suggest, just to stall for time
"not a chance sweetheart." he is openly chuckling now, the rat...
"ummmmmm...."  I eye the bed and its evil pillows... no way no how am I putting myself there, just saying.. and  I cast my eyes about looking for any stalling technique...
"I can see you have no intention of complying, so that means this goes from a 'fun' experiment to a more 'traditional' event... " He sighs in mock disappointment and I am not sure if I should say "yippee!!' or beg mercy...
"Get over those pillows, Angel." No joking now at all... and I try to make myself do it.  I even manage to walk over there, my knees barely holding me up.. And I shoot him a glance.hoping he will just let me have my favored position- hell any position but not this one.
(to be clear, I am sure it is a lovely view for a boy... But it is a very very exposed view, as he insists that the upper hips are FORWARD over the pillows, which stretches teh skin very tight (makes it harder to be ok with the impact, too btw) and gives a view of all private bits.. I don't like it!!)
I can't make myself do it.  I am frustrated with myself (just doooo itttt submit, you can do it) but I am mortified and my body doesn't respond to my internal dialogue. 
He knows me well enough, I guess, cuz he just smiles at me and waits it out.  When I glance at him beseechingly I see that he is being patient, but yet there is no room for compromise in his visage either.
Yet.. I just can't do it. So I stand there.
He grabs a water, sits down across from the bed on the bench and sighs.  The sound of that sigh wounds me, as I value my ability to give that control over, and I know I am frustrating him that I still balk at anything I precieve as lacking grace, being so.. undignified...  I argue with myself, remding myself that i will be horribly dissapointed if we end things like this, that I DO trust him, that I LOVE the spanking, And I am shaking and as red as a girl gets in motirification... But I drag myself over.
In true mind play fashion, he had to rearrange me a bit, making sure to really point out just how 'lovely ' it is to see an 'upturned and so very exposed backside positioned for so very many wonderful things" (sigh)... Then of course he has to talk non stop, about how he figures we should test some limits, seeings how he has not seemed to have 'made much of an impression' last time we played (no marks hahahaha..)

I argued a bit, but was already getting all subby (breathless, feeling helpless..)
I hear the swishy noise of the cane and tense with a whimper and he chuckles, which brings me out of it a bit.... and I start to breathe, relax muscles one at a time, letting my mind just go...
He started with little wrist flicks, which leaves a girl sting, but nothing worth kicking feet over, just prepping the nerves and just as I start to relax, thinking, I oh so can do this he lands a perfect line right in the middle.. And I am thinking... oooh that didn't hurt at all!! And I let out my held breath just as the sensory data hits my brain which of course makes me do a strange hissing squeaky noise. 

Smart man, he waits.. lets me breath through it... then back to the tap tap tap then harder tap tap tap then harder yet TAP TAP TAP and I am wiggling and struggling to bring my bound hands back, strugling as the next line lands barely below the other..

And so it continues, until I am crying silent tears, wet to the knees, and so very very close to using my safeword...
And I find myself curled up against a strong chest, hair being smoothed, temple being kissed, lovely things being murmured about how awesome I am, how proud he is that I was able to conquer it, how exquistely gorgeous that was, you know.. pillow talk, lol  Warpped in his arms still he turns me a bit, one hand checking to make sure no skin broken, tumbles us back in the bed, and snuggles me into his side, lots of cuddling and crooning. 

Then.. after I am calm, giggling and talking, he asks me if I ahve "had enough" for now.  I laugh. Give him wide eyes.. and say, "of course not! but not sure my ass will agree with me." He nudges me over to check again on skin and says... 'mmm .. nope you are done for today.. likely for a couple weeks" I laughed... all teh way up to seeing the bruises the next day... I guess he is laughing now..
*pout*
*addenendum Although this story has been oh so changed from real to what you read here, The caning did happen, the bruises are there and this glutton, less than a week later is already starting to gear up for another spanking...Exam stress, who me?

so burnt out..

Exams.. What was I thinking?
Six courses, two more in intersession and another three over summer... I want that PHD I DO!!! but I am sooo tired.
So very very tired.Tired of reading big words.  Tired of typing big words, tired of citations, text books, power points, hard chairs, crappy coffee, no sleep, tutoring, note taking, tired of all of it.
And still short three hundred to pay for my next two courses... with no clue what am gonna do about that.
I need a temporary sweetie.  I need someone to cuddle me and watch tv, to rub my neck, encourage me to keep trucking, and hold the pieces of the house together while I am working.
I need someone here throughout the week to kick my ass into gear when I am on not focussing, to dance me around the kitchen laughing, to wake me up with good morning spankings...
Sadly though, I am not ready for a 'realtionship'.. I don't have the time, money, or energy to give to a partner right now.  I don't have the fortitude to deal with the dance of lies, the deception... (be honest people, the person you meet is not the person that moves in.. There is a morphing phenomena that happens when that first box of personal items crosses the doorway... BAM! no more sweetie, welcome couch sloth..) and perhaps I am still a bit cynical..
Sigh... Come here mr. frog..

To Submit or Not to Submit

To Submit or Not to Submit,
That is the question

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of honest self exposed

Or to take wit against a sea of dominants

And by so opposing, so to repel them. To falsely resist, to gently submit--

No more--and by resist to say we end

The obedience, and the thousand natural submissions

That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wished, silently feared. To falsely resist, to gently sumbit--

To submit--perchance to risk: ay, there's the rub,

For in that risk of exposed self what dreams may come

When we have our shields dismissed, our soul bare,

Must give us pause. There's the respect

That makes calamity of so habitual resistance

For who would bear the ropes and whips of demands,

Th' submissive's wrong, the proud Dominant's contumely

The pangs of unaccepted love, the truth's delay,

The insolence of false resistance, and the spurns

That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,

When she herself might her submission make

With a bared soul? Who would uphold yet bare,

To moan and tremble under a patient hand,

But that the dread of something after exposure,

The undiscovered truths, from whose bourn

No falseness returns, puzzles the will,

And makes us rather bear those false truths we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,

And thus the native hue of resistance

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of fear,

And enterprise of gentle pain and release

With this regard their shame turns them awry

And lose the name of action. -- Soft you now,

The fair Dominant! -- Sirrah, in thy knowing hands

Be all my weaknesses forgiven.

I am a Princess!

Princess:

prin·cess

 [prin-sis, -ses, prin-ses]

1.a nonreigning female member of a royal family.

2History/Historical . a female sovereign or monarch; queen.

3.the consort of a prince.

4.(in Great Britain) a daughter or granddaughter (if the child of a son) of a king or queen.

5.a woman considered to have the qualities or characteristics of a princess.

6. a woman who has value and worth as an individual, and as such is entitled to respect, attention, nurture and spankings.

(I added the last word)

Good Girls Get Spankings

Well, they should.  Or at least THIS good girl should.

LOTS and lots and lots and lots and lots of spankings.

It is a fine line to walk, between being a good girl who has a strong sense of justice and fairness, and being a girl that LOVES to be otk.  (over the knee). The more spankings I get the happier I am.  I prefer male spankers, being fairly hetero in my tastes.  Being able to be comfortable with my own prediliction for being manhandled and finding it erotic; while simultaneously whole heartedly believing in equality of value between genders is a fun but complex dance.

I am not ashamed by my enjoyment of it however.  Being spanked works for me.  I just flat out love it, I find it ertoic, relaxing, challenging, intellecutally mind blowing and it is intristic to my sexuality.
So... As I am a good girl by nature and would hate to turn into a girl that makes poor choices in order to get what she wants, my vote is:
Good Girls Get Spankings. And those spankings should be available as much as possible. :)

When Good Girls are Bad

What happens when a good girl is bad?

I have my days.  Sometimes the weight of my responsibilities and my coping strategies do NOT align and I fall a little. There are days I am not sure if I can keep going.  I am human.  I mess up.

Sometimes, even while still being a GOOD GIRL, things go wrong.  I make a mistake, I loose my cool, I hurt someone, I let someone down.

As I am a compassionate person, I feel horrible when that happens.  Which is why I like to argue that I am NEVER a bad girl.

When good girls are bad, it hurts our feelings.  We carry our wrong-doing close to our heart.  We hold on to it, examining, trying to make sense of it.  We need to understand it, so that we can learn from it.
There is no punishment that someone could give me that would make me feel worse than I instinctively do when I have fallen, failed or caused someone else to hurt.

When good girls are bad, they punish themselves, emotionally and mentally.

Why? Because they are gooood girls. 

There are times when I am not being a good girl, but I THINK I am.  It may not be a good idea to try to punish me for that either, as if I oh so do not think I have done anything wrong, I will not 'accept' your damned punishment.

However, if you are on my list of trusted persons, or even share your point of view in an adult manner, I will likely hear you.  I may not process it in that moment.  I may not agree right away.  But I try to be on it.  I do!

~.o

Princess Spanking Weekend omfg...

This is going to be a long post, lol...
So I returned yesterday from my journey and adventure to the grand city of E.  And it truly was an adventure...in so many ways.:)

I have never taken a road trip before, in which I am the driver.  This of course, did not really occur to me until I was nearly to the city of GP and realized that I had done it!! ALL by MYSELF!! I imagine that not many people will get just what a victory that is, but  it really was.  Hurrah for big girl panties. 
The drive was lovely.  The sun was shining for the most part, I saw a mommy moose and her overly large offspring near DC, another large moose by GP and a couple of lovley scenic views. My MP3 player was blasting, I was singing and had the cruise set for under the speed limit. I saw many officers pulling people over and was grateful that I am a cowardly driver.  I had no troubles following the directions and navigated my way quite nicely.

I was burning gas though, which of course annoys me greatly, but still... small potatoes, right?  I made the stops I had arranged, and headed to my weekend of fun.
I nearly made my destination when my lovely vehichle chose to no longer have a working transmission. Thank fully I had stopped for the restroom and was not driving when the transmission chose to no longer be intact. I am not sure if anyone knew this, but a vehicle does not drive well without one. 

Just saying.

It made awful metal on metal grinding noises, lurched but did not move. I sat and weighed my options, wondering what to do, exactly.  Fairly certain that popping the hood in my thigh high stockings and short skirt was not the best idea, and being that it was late thursday of the easter long weekend, I sighed sadly in defeat...  I had to call the gentleman I was meeting to come and get me.

What a way to meet a lady, no?  "Hello! I am a complete and utter nitwit who can't even get to your house... how hot am I now?"  (sigh). I sat at that station long enough to earn some highly curious looks from the folk that were there, as I tried to will my car to fix itself.  I am not sure if this is an 'angelism' but I am quite terrible at being helpless. I did suck it up and text my new playmate for help.

Thankfully the gentleman in question (I am going to call him Sir OCD until he gives me a play name to use, because us princesses are bratty like that! :)... ) anyways, Sir OCD was very gentlemanly and thus did not laugh (too much) nor hold my woes against me, but navigated the broken car into a stall, gathered me and my many bags and chafeured me to his lovely home with an amazing smile, gentle hand up into the truck and warm hug.

If anyone knows this man, let him know that this alone is worth many points... truly appreciate it.

I will not kiss and tell tooooo much (because that is of course quite rude) However....Some things are just too magical to not share.

What an amazing weekend!! After being worried about going (so out of my comfort zone, really) and being reassured that this could be done safely, I found myself loving every princess moment of the weekend. (aside from teh transmission)

Sir OCD graciously had me in his home for a few days, chilavrously made all the arrangements for my vehicle, was able to keep my mind off of it for the majority of our time together, which speaks for itself really. Consider too, how focused I can get on things... So Kudos Sir OCD well played.   He drove me back and forth to RK's with nary a complaint. Not by word, gesture or even expression. Not once made me feel as if I was intruding. 

With an engaging smile, dinners were cooked for me (as I write this I am eating chili from a can and wondering if he rents out as a chef... good grief, I have NEVER eaten so well and yet so healthily at the same time.... I want to learn to cook like that...)  I was complimented, cuddled, petted, kissed and coddled till I was completely princessed out. Not once was I asked to clean anything or even in a position to open a door for myself.  I was allowed to bask in the attention, purr for the petting and kissing, with not one negative comment.  NOT ONE!!! I struggled a bit (Stop laughing my red headed gal pal... I mean it) with it-not used to being coddled lol.

I thought I had experienced being a princess, but I now know I had no idea.  Simply none.  Don't get me wrong!! I have all kinds of good memories to go with the not so good ones of past relationships... but my weekend at Sir OCDs certainly redefined what being spoiled and adored feels like. This spoiling healed some hurts I hadn't realized I was still carrying. 

I have never eaten so well, been treated so sweetly, kissed so gently and spanked so firmly.... I was giggling, blushing, astonished and bowled over...All that and a lavishment of attention, amazing conversation, a down duvet (omg I oh so want that... ) waking up to sunshine on my face... It was like going to a spa where a hottie is giving out amazing spankings... Realy ladies, I oh so reccomend you try it...

Even the spanking, which you all know is my favorite passtime, was completely out of my realm of experience.  Every excuse to take me over his knee was delivered with the most amazingly open grin, an oh so heart achingly gentle hand guiding me over his knee, the gentle firmness of that hand at my hip, offering the threat of restraint if needed... each swat with purpose, but not even the tiniest bit of force used that was more than needed... the strength contrasted with such tender care to be lifted so carefully, cuddled in and petted.. I nearly fainted...Of course, those deceptively calm swats intensified as time went by, both as we became more comfortable and as my poor backside became more sensitive... His hands just seeming to know how to and where to swat to maximize the time or reaction-depending on what he was looking for... oh my. 

Yet after three days of spankings, many of which had me kicking my feet and struggling to get a hand free, (anyone that thinks this isn't surprising can ask RK... really.. I am not a struggler)... barely a mark.... Wow, hey?  I have a new hated spanking implement, which is a plastic bath brush... Sir OCD, that really needs to go... truly... what a mean thing...I liked it on a fresh backside.. but not after the fourth or fifth spanking...*pout* If you decide you want to get together again, I am oh so bringing you a gift..  Perhaps a Furry Paddle? *laugh*

And to be stepping out of the shower and have Sir OCD appear and lovingly place my still wet self over his knee, with his foot resting on the side of the tub for a good morning, wet bottom spanking was beyond amazing... One of those always fantasized about silly things that just was perfect in real life... wow.  Seriously!!! Wet bottom not quite out of the tub spaknings!!! I kid you not!!!! For no reason!!
To be kissed so sweetly as I am told what a brat I am, kissed so sweetly after a spanking, kissed so sweetly and thanked for any smallest effort.. oh my.  And don't mistake me, sweet does not mean the opposite of yummy... just that I have no words for that kissing style.. none...Sweet is the closest I can come up with... utterly tender? Kisses that left me breathless, knees weak and eyes in teh back of my head.   And I am not a kissy girl!!! Or I guess I wasn't? I mean, I like to kiss, but holy shit... LMFAO.. wow.

Hands stroking my tush, my legs, my back, my hair, my belly, my arms... sweet goddess... The contrast of tender and firm nearly undid me a few times...ok.. I admit it.. nearly is just a way to pretend I am not blushing beet red at the mere memory.. Just... oh ... so ... yummy...

Aside from a short break in which I visited some lovely friends, From my arrival thrusday till I left sunday morning Sir OCD lavished attention on me, spoiled me and spanked me until I was a puddle of dreamy eyed princess wonder. How amazing is that?

"But at the end of the day" (grin, do I get trouble now?) I was glowing with the attention, Postiviely giddy, glowing and relaxed.   I was sleeping like a log (and we will pretend that I do NOT snore thank you) and waking up with a bright smile.  More important, though (and this is oh so funny) is that I learned that I DO have it in me to adore being treated as if I am adored.  That there are men who cherish, give of themselves freely.

I have hope.. hope that there is a future for me that includes romance, love, flowers, spoiling, spankings, amazing fun and good conversation.  I really hadn't thought such things could go hand in hand... I mean... romance and spoiling AND rules and spanking?? really????
Sweetness and firmness?
Openness but with limits?
 I am spoiled quite beyond recognition, truly and my eyes have been opened up to just how.... bitter I was letting myself get.  Which is ok, I earned that bitterness I think...but I can let that go now... and work on moving forward instead of having all these regrets and hurts, cynicisms and being so self reliant that I don't allow anyone in... and therefore cut myself off from living a full life...

Now I just need to work on meeting some of my own goals... of getting RK&f paid back for the rescue and making sure that I am striving towards being a very whole and healthy person who is able to bring more than a willing bottom and naive grin.  And I oh so will...Knowing that the tenderhearted part of me is NOT broken is priceless..
Not what was negotiated for, so that part is an incredible gift that was so unexpected.
So thanks Sir... for letting me experience such amazingly delicious tenderness, such incredible spankings all from your very wonderful self... I fell in love a wee bit, like I said, and for that I thank you too! You made this princess believe in romance, and that is one hell of a gift.
xxx

Reassurance and AfterCare

After care, once explained, seems like such common sense... To be able to give someone that level of trust... to drop all those little pretenses that protect us in the work a day world... well it leaves a person quite vulnerable.  When you add all those amazing emotions and intense sensations and ind play... things can get a little hairy.
So ... aftercare!! I get the concept, but after a spanking, or a playtime, I am doe eyed, sure, a bit befuddled, but SO ENERGIZED!! I want to go dance, sing in the shower, jump on the bed, talk for hours.. (I don't get to do those things, but I oh so want to!!) I have stayed on that high for days, were I glow like a girl in love LOVE love!
But... regardless of how attentive, how sweet and considerate my playmate is in gently bringing me back from taht play state to the real world, I do eventually come down a bit. (I love that I sound so experienced!!! Three months and I am a pro, really... too funny.. mind you, been getting upturned over a knee for nearly my entire adulthood...)
Anyways, I do start to come down off the glow.  And something I have noticed, is right after play I feel so GOOD!! I feel safe, sexy, confident, adored,-my world is right.  To me, that is what I get from subnitting.. I get that amazing feeling of rightness. 
But slowly, real life leaks back in.. and I start to second guess myself a little..  Or rather, I begin to wonder if I am fun to play with, did I do ok, did I do anything wrong...and then the little girl guilt kicks in.
But because I am in this goshforsaken area, and also am still working on being a very whole and capable person, I am not in a 'relationship'.  So when I do come down and need the reassurance, then what?  I am finding I can go three days to two weeks before that hits me.. I work on it of course.. I remind myself that if I said or did something not to my playmates liking that it is THEIR responsiblility to say so. That I am going to have to deal with my little pile of guilt for having so much fun without marriage, lol. 
Intellectually I get it. There is no reason for me to feel that anyone that I come to has to be my life meet... But I still struggle to reassure tha tlittle girl, the one that is nine, sitting at grandma's table being told that GOOD GIRLS do NOT let boys touch them..
I wonder sometimes if other women who have been married forever and then end up single and explore find themselves strugglign with this at times? I wonder too if anyone else finds that they need the aftercare hugs days later-am I just a slow processer?
Thoughts to ponder...
It is odd to me, too, that when you are setting up a play date there is all this communication, the tension is built with all those interactions before hand (hahaha, three months, and again I sound like the expert..) I quite enjoy that buildup... Then of course playtime is excellent (knock on wood, and thanks RK for keeping me safe) then there is the refactory period where there is nothing.  So I wonder too if I am just suffering from withdrawl...
I guess I am allowed, after so much time skin starved, never mind actual sex, or spankigs, or playfullness or even positive attitudes... well, this whole spanko/bdsm community is like a haven for me. 
Ah well.   off to study for my exams and leave this puzzle for another day.. If I sound down, I am nt really.  Stresed over my student budget and exams, but otherwise thigns are good.
Hugs and  laughter

Making sweet lemonade

You know...
I have been accused a time or too of being annoying.  I tend to refuse to really dwell on the negative, to try and make lemonade with every sour piece of fruit I see (not just lemons!) and I am oh so aware that this is a great skill when applied to my own craptastic adventures and yet not so lovely when applied to say..... yours.
So, when things pile up and I am really, really starting to get negative, I find it incredibly that I end up in the presence of a very positive person (or several of such) to remind me to let negativity become instead learned wisdom, knowledge, insight, growth-to remember that all bad things have a flip side.
Being married twice, for different reasons, to men I thought were as different as night and day, and to have both marriages slowly morph into the same nonsense was disheartening to say the least.  More so this time around, because I had really believed I had found someone to be peaceful with.  I thought I was going to be the princess forever and ever.
When that ended, I wrapped my grief and bitterness around me like a cape of "get away", which is to be expected...except I forgot the next stage.  I forgot the part where you ditch that cape for a cloak of reflection to find those positives, then move on-take the lessons and go.
T was what I needed at that time, i think.  I am not happy, of course, with the continued need he has to create a wee bit of drama on occasion, but I am trying to forgive, myself and him so I can just move on.
Afterall, I learned a great deal from him.  I learned that I am a sucker for being a princess, that I do NOT need my toxic family in my life (I can do it without the drama!! Who KNEW!!!) and he allowed me to rediscover being both weak and strong... I needed these things.
So, here is my pitcher of lemonade... Thanks T, for picking up the pieces when D&I divorced.  I was a devastated woman and you picked me up, dusted me off, and sent me on my way. 
Perhaps the rain is ended and I can have my rainbow fucking rainbow now (grins to you girl for the phrase of the century)
hugs and laughter,

About Good Girls

I am a good girl!

In order for anyone to understand that we need to have some understanding on what that means to me. Some of you feminists are likely upset over my choice of language.  I understand that.  Too bad. :)

I am a good girl.  I do my chores, I meet my responsibilities and try to be self aware.  I keep my house clean, I take care of myself.  I pay my bills.  I work hard and try not to judge.
See? I am a good girl. I love being female.  I do not agree with the law treating me as leasser because of it, nor with being treated with discrimination, hatred, disrespect and dismissal just because I have a vagina rather than a penis. What I don't understand, however, is how the woman's right movement took away the dignity and honor of having a female body and being proud of my femininity. This body allowed me to bring three wonderful lives into the world, this body is part of who I am but in no way is the totality of who I am.

 I am not ashamed of my sexuality, my intelligence nor of my integrity.  If I can remain assertive in the face of societal sexism, legal sexism but have to cower in the face of feminist sexism, wherefore is the gain?

 I like people who are strong in character.  I am not ashamed of that either. I have high expectations of myself, and love to have people around me that are assertive (not aggressive) and will help me to keep raising that bar.  I want to grow!!  Even when it is uncomfortable and challenges my belief in who I am-I want to grow.

To me, that is a good girl.  It is all about being good with who you are, knowing that there is room to grow and reaching for it.  Having boundaries that are flexible enough to allow for the benefits of intimacy but strong enough to maintain mental and physical wellbeing.

Being a good girl is not about obedience, or putting up with people treating you poorly.  It is not about being polite.  It is certainly not about never exploring sexually, intellectually or physically.  Being a good girl means I try to balance my responsibilities and still have my needs met.  That I can accept the cherishing of others, ask for help, apologize for wrong doing, and try for compassion instead of being defensive.

Being good is being happy without infringing on the happiness of others.

I am a good girl. I admit though, I am better at some parts of being good than I am on others, better on different days, in different situations.

I am, however, a good girl.