Stingray Paddle... oh my oh my

Our package arrived Friday (already open!! Darn postal system!) Our StingRay Paddle from Thorgeir. I continued my day, but my thoughts kept straying back to our new goodie with anticipation. (I know, I know...in all the stories the girl is upset, scared and hates whatever implement her Stern Sir has received. Not me..sorry)
Much later... when Sir and I were alone, we popped on an episode of True Blood (I don't care!! I like It!) and I gleefully crawled over FHB's lap. The devious man decided to use the wood side for warm up, in his typical brisk fashion... Oh. My. Freaking. Gawd. That paddle has a bit of an impact. For the next few minutes I was seriously reconsidering my long time fetish of being spanked. That thing hurts. It is polished to a smooth, non sticky finish. I am assuming that it feels as if you are not swinging it, because it seemed to be landing excessively firmly.
Once Sir figured my skin was warm sigh he flipped that devil paddle over. For the rest of our 45 minutes and 52 second of "test the paddle" time, I was treated to the amazing sensation of stingray leather upon leather butt.
I am in love.
Truly.
The first swat stings, like any paddle. Then just as the next one is landing there is this interesting as hell sensation. EVERY BIT of texture on that leather does a stingy tingle. So.. you get that sting that leaves those amazing sensations on the skin's surface AND you get the THUD of the wood and all the erogenous stimulation from that.
BLISS.
Sir tends to have a rather... uh... rhythmic style of paddling. He was not swinging hard, mind you... but due to the tempo I was wriggling and gasping, squeaking and whimpering. That was challenging, but could have continued for a good long while. When (at my request, because I am a glutton for real) Sir moved to harder thwacks with longer pauses, the skin danced with sensation. The thud from that paddle is so amazing. The stingray.. well it is sexy as heck. I am sure that it was only ten minutes of heavier strikes before I was begging.... done.
Sir posted under that pic that I am 'sensitive to touch' which does not cover it. the next morning (and that is AFTER amazing aftercare) I went to roll over and my whole body tensed in shock as the mere flexing of leg muscles created an intense sensation of skin being too tight and... well... it felt as if my skin had pebbles of welts upon it, over every inch of my ass and thighs.
Although as I went through my day the tightness wore off rather quickly (walking is amazingly good for that) the pebbly welted sensation remained. At 1030 last night when I sat on my stairs (which are textured stoned coated) I squealed. This morning, wrapped in a towel, the feeling of the towel across my skin is very... unusual.
I love my new paddle. I highly recommend this paddle-seriously-it was worth every penny.

Struggling

I am struggling.

For the last year (or nearly a year) I have had the great luck to be living with an amazing gent who shares in my pervy interests.  It has been the most blissful and joyous period of my life.

Over the last few weeks things have changed.  Be it me, be it him, we are not connecting on that power exchange level that fills me with self acceptance, joy, and that 'full cupboard' feeling.  We instead are more like room mates, passing in the hallway but yet not connected.  Play as decreased rapidly to its current state of non existence.

Have I once again broken a man?  I have taken a man who loved sex, loved to play laugh and cause me the most exquisite pain, and I have broken him.. I have turned him into (prepare yourself...)...


A muggle.


A muggle who wants a vanilla relationship with me (for now? forever? till I freak? not...sure...)
Once again, I have improved my personal self, only to find myself alone in a house with the person I am with.

First time (first marriage) I lost 55 lbs and started school.  My marriage went from rocky but passionate, to hellacious and empty.

Second time I gained my degree, found personal growth and my marriage disintegrated.

Now I am sitting here... after being so damned determined to NEVER do this again (this being share space, be in a hearts and flowers relationship) finding that as my life comes together even more (I am getting in shape, starting to make a bit more money, nearly done my BA) that his interest may have faded.

Sigh...

No clue where I am going from here... so many things to think about, so much to consider.

Can I be in a vanilla relationship?

Do I want to?

I really don't think I can.

I will tell you one thing that will be different this time.  This time I will be taking this to my Sir.  I will be sharing my hurt, my fear and my burden with him.

Being a Rope Top/Rigger and Sexism?

I am very aware that sexism exists, inside and out of the BDSM community. Such is the way of the world, although things are changing and improving (slowly), sexism is alive and well, and up here in Northern BC it is thriving.
As a RWV (Rigger With Vagina) I really expected to be on the receiving end of sexist remarks and attitude. I started a local rope group, expecting offers to be tied up, rather than volunteers to let me tie them. I went to Ropegasm with my Sir as my practice bunny, I did not advertise for a bunny for the event because I assumed that no one would agree to go with a RWV with little experience. In my defense we went with another couple and my Sir did volunteer to let me practice on him. What good little submissive doesn't jump on that?
Seriously though.
As a Rope Top/Rigger who happens to have a Vagina, sexism can work in my favor though. I am NEVER short bunnies. I get to not only tie my bunnies, but make them squeal, squeak and purr. I have male and female bunnies. Some very shy ladies have let me tie them. I have tied gals who are homophobic (to varying degrees). I have done sexy dirty ties and very sterile ties. I tie myself, my friends, my teddies, my pillow, my jacket, my Sir, and once tried to tie the cat (he IS a sexist jerk and won't let me)
The only sexism I run across is stray pm's from men who assume that because I have a vagina my rigging is just a way for me to get some dick. Surely I use rope so that I can have some man I never met hump my leg, right? Or as one guy put it, "At least be naked when you tie me, or what's the point?"
No one asks me what Man Taught Me to use rope. No one assumes that my very non rope Sir is in charge of my rope scenes. No one has messaged me asking what REAL Rigger did the work in this pic or that. No one has made me feel unwelcome when I rig in the dungeon.
Not saying that sexism in all things Rigging is not out there-just that I have not run across the things I have heard other RWV (Riggers with Vaginas) talk about.