Let's be honest...
Our community, out of past necessity, has some rules and bylaws that are predator friendly. Our need and desire to keep things on the down low to avoid public scrutiny has created a culture of victim silencing and permissiveness in which predators like this one have been able to thrive.
We are a tight community, for all of our bickering, cliques and politics. We tend to circle the wagons and protect what we see as part of our group. We need to face the fact that predators will and do enjoy some of the current rules in place; rules that protect the perpetrators of abuse rather than protect against them. Some of these 'rules' are formal, some are more implied by way of silencing techniques.
Examples:
"If it didn't happen here, we don't want to know about it"
I don't blame them. There are legal liabilities to consider if group leads have prior knowledge that personABC is a predator and they go on to abuse someone they meet at one of that group leads' venues. I wonder if refusing to hear of such reports will stand in a court as a defense against this liability? This stance also limits the groups ability to establish a pattern of behaviour, which otherwise would be quickly apparent. By refusing to hear any report on violence or consent violations that do not occur at your event you are sending an invitation to abusers to feel free to shop for victims at your event, providing they do not abuse them there but instead wait until they get them alone.
"You were in a relationship, so it doesn't count"
Attention all rapists, just make sure you are in a relationship with the person you rape. Then it is ok. (NOT actually. In 1983 Canadian laws changed to reflect that EVEN IN MARRIAGE rape is not ok).
"It has to be reported, in writing, to person xyz"
Information that was not shared until 15 years after the gossip about this person started. Information still not clearly being shared with the community. What happens when that is reported? What if the person you are supposed to report to is the problem (not saying they are, I am just being hypothetical here)? Can it be anonymous? Is there a special form? In my case I was told to be very brief. Yet I know he was permitted the option to defend himself at length, and I was scolded for not agreeing to send my post to my abuser to read, and for blocking my abuser.
"You cannot mention this person's name in conjunction with the club name."
This is a great way to silence victims. In this context is that claim legal? Can you legally tell a victim of sexual assault they cannot mention that the person who assaulted them has a formal position in that group?
This is to protect the club's reputation, I assume. Sadly, if things are not addressed sooner or later this will hit the public in a very negative way. I shudder to think of what the post 50 shades media will do with information that rape culture is alive and well in the local scene.
"Be a grown up ,deal with it"
This is one of the nastiest little buzz phrases ever, implying that anyone who can't deal with their rapist/abuser/harrasser/stalker is a child.
"Do not out anyone"
(Even if they rape you, their privacy is more important than your safety and well being)
Like I said, some of this is formal rules, some not so much. Things need to change. Preferably before we find ourselves in the middle of a media shit storm. We need to become stronger, to support victims, cast out predators and actually stand by what we preach-that Consent Is the Foundation of Whatever It Is That We Do.
Tuesday 5 May 2015
TWATS: We need more TWATS
TWATS: Trust, Witness, Accountability, Truth, Support
Our Alberta communities are struggling right now; with people, groups, organizers and bystanders each adding their own perspective... Needless to say things are somewhat tense.
Accusations, blaming, defensive retorts, advocacy and debate appear to be focused on a very important but touchy subject -> Consent, predators, and violations. So many voices (I see this as a positive thing even when I do not completely agree with everything being said), so many emotions.
We simply need more TWATS in our communities, to facilitate positive change and community growth.
TWATS
TRUST We need to have leaders who we can trust to help us navigate these changes. Trust that all reasonable measures are taken to help our community be healthy, trust that our truths will be heard without blaming and silencing.
WITNESS When a survivor shares their truth they are bearing witness to the abuse they survived-by their very existence they show that their experience is true. Every victim of abuse needs you to stand up and bear witness to what you saw, what you heard, what you experienced.
ACCOUNTABILITY Our community is in desperate need of accountability. Abusers and perpetrators of assault need to be held accountable for their actions. The more 'authority' the person's position in the community carries, the more tightly they need to be held accountable-not looser. We each need to be accountable for our actions.
TRUTH We need to learn the truth about rape and abuse. We need to speak the truth about the very minute risk of false reports. We need to hear the painful truth of the experiences had in our community without seeking to blame anyone other than the perpetrator, without reacting defensively. We need TRUTH, not personal attacks, name calling, victim blaming, rape myths, buzz words and finger pointing. We need people to share their truth.
SUPPORT We need to support victims and survivors of assault, violations, abuse and harassment by HEARING their truth, by BEARING WITNESS to their pain, by advocating for positive change, being willing to support the choice those victims make in HOW they choose to cope with their abuse.
Let's see more TWATS, shall we, in our leadership, in our individuals and in our day to day kinktastic lives.
Our Alberta communities are struggling right now; with people, groups, organizers and bystanders each adding their own perspective... Needless to say things are somewhat tense.
Accusations, blaming, defensive retorts, advocacy and debate appear to be focused on a very important but touchy subject -> Consent, predators, and violations. So many voices (I see this as a positive thing even when I do not completely agree with everything being said), so many emotions.
We simply need more TWATS in our communities, to facilitate positive change and community growth.
TWATS
TRUST We need to have leaders who we can trust to help us navigate these changes. Trust that all reasonable measures are taken to help our community be healthy, trust that our truths will be heard without blaming and silencing.
WITNESS When a survivor shares their truth they are bearing witness to the abuse they survived-by their very existence they show that their experience is true. Every victim of abuse needs you to stand up and bear witness to what you saw, what you heard, what you experienced.
ACCOUNTABILITY Our community is in desperate need of accountability. Abusers and perpetrators of assault need to be held accountable for their actions. The more 'authority' the person's position in the community carries, the more tightly they need to be held accountable-not looser. We each need to be accountable for our actions.
TRUTH We need to learn the truth about rape and abuse. We need to speak the truth about the very minute risk of false reports. We need to hear the painful truth of the experiences had in our community without seeking to blame anyone other than the perpetrator, without reacting defensively. We need TRUTH, not personal attacks, name calling, victim blaming, rape myths, buzz words and finger pointing. We need people to share their truth.
SUPPORT We need to support victims and survivors of assault, violations, abuse and harassment by HEARING their truth, by BEARING WITNESS to their pain, by advocating for positive change, being willing to support the choice those victims make in HOW they choose to cope with their abuse.
Let's see more TWATS, shall we, in our leadership, in our individuals and in our day to day kinktastic lives.
Problem Solving: How do we move forward?
My community seems to be tangled up in a rather significant problem: How to address community concerns regarding consent violation reports?
Unfortunately some of the more established groups and individuals are feeling attacked, defensive and thus are focusing on defending themselves. Even more unfortunately this defensiveness looks an awful lot like rape denial-ism, mansplaining and victim shaming.
Edmonton... we need to move forward. We cannot do this unless we focus on solving the problem rather than figuring out who is at fault. This is no different than any other problem-there are steps that can help us to climb out of this and into a stronger, more cohesive community.
First we need to acknowledge that there is a problem.
This seems to be a stumbling block for many. Many just want to not have to endure the pain of change, to not admit that rape in BDSM exists (aside from CNC), to not risk outing an abuser, to firmly hold onto the myth that false allegations are common (they are not).
The sad but reasonable truth is:
-There are abusers in our community, just like any other community.
-There are vulnerable populations in our community, just as any other community.
-Our current way of handling things supports abusers rather than victims.
-Abusers often seek positions of authority.
-Victims are often silenced, shamed and dismissed.
These are not new problems. The only thing that is 'new' is that our societal shift from "no means no" to affirmative consent has finally trickled down into our BDSM communities. In 1992 Canada adopted affirmative consent into laws (Source). This change has been a slow and painful one for society, and is now taking hold quite firmly, and shifts the focus from victims to the perpetrators of assault. This societal and legal change was not on a whim. It is based on piles of research on assault, sexual attitudes, rape culture and fear response.
So please, let us acknowledge that there is a problem, along the lines of "How to address community concerns regarding consent violation reports?"
Secondly: Identify the Problem
What are the community concerns regarding consent violations? This is a complicated question, with so many varied concerns. I will try to include as many perspectives as I can.
1. Predators. There are concerns regarding predators in our community. There are a few names that come up consistently whenever abuse, predatory behaviour, rape or consent violations come up. We need both a proactive and reactive way to deal with persons who demonstrate that they are abusers/predators.
2. Reporting. There are concerns that if we report a person for assault, consent violations, rape, harassment, bullying and so on, that we will be accused of drama, told to grow up and deal with it, disbelieved and then shunned.
3. False Reports. There are concerns that people's lives will be destroyed over false abuse reports.
4. Publicity. There are concerns that our dirty laundry will be publicized, making our community (and bdsm in general), our groups etc look bad.
5. Loss of Discretion. There are concerns that this type of conversation will lead to the loss of our anonymity. That good people will be outed, jobs lost, lives ruined.
6. Drama. This are concerns about drama.
7. Blaming. Many are concerned that this will turn into a blame game.
Thirdly: Gain Support to Find Solutions to The Problem
Now that we acknowledge that there is indeed a problem, and we identify the many faucets of the problem, we need support in our efforts to find solutions to the problem. This requires public awareness, forming of alliances, volunteerism, activism, and commitment.
Public awareness is already happening, with many shining a light on a problem that has been kept mostly in the shadows. (Fetlife posts, articles, word of mouth, blogs, fliers, workshops etc). This is being done right now, in our community and many others.
Some alliances are being formed, with volunteers, activists and other individuals and organizers stepping up to lend their support and work on being part of the solutions.
Fourthly: Brainstorming Ideas
There is no one magic solution to this type of problem. This is really important to note-No Magic Solution. Instead there are many things that we (as indivudals, groups, leaders, teachers, organizers, bystanders, victims, allies etc) can do to help move forward to a healthier place.
Some ideas I have heard so far include:
Public Awareness:
-Continue to support those coming forward with their truth.
-Encourage those who are willing to come forward.
-Pointing out victim blaming when we see or hear it.
-Sharing factual information about abuse.
-Workshops on abuse and consent
-Inviting professionals to share with our community on topics about consent and assault.
Community Education:
-Workshops and handouts on consent, yes means yes, boundaries, coercion, bullying, victim blaming, sexual assault, dealing with violations etc.
-Clear guidelines on what to do if you have a problem (if your consent is violated)
-Using safe calls, vetting, BSafe, safety spotter, public play etc and WHY.
-How to be told no.
-Clear guidelines on what to do if someone reports a violation to you.
-How to support victims
-Clearly defining the difference between personal bubbles and consent violations.
Mitigating Risks
-Self Defense classes
-Kink Safe practice awareness
-Establishing safety protocols
-Local Safe Call systems
-Recognizing Red Flags
-Personal Responsibility Workshops
Safe Spaces
-Clear rules regarding conduct
-Enforcement of those rules
-Ejecting persons who cannot follow 'do not touch' rules.
-Clear rules on reporting and handling reports
-Leadership Vetting (including open forums for community members to come forward with concerns about those seeking to be in leadership roles, higher standard of conduct rules for leaders, crim checks against assaults)
-Zero tolerance for harassment
Victim Support
-Allowing people to come forward and share their story
-Focus on support over blaming
-Education for community on victim blaming
-Access to kink friendly resources
-Sex Crimes Liason (Sargent Grimes would be a great one to talk to, and they ARE interested in being a part of a proactive solution, rather than merely being the ones to take reports AFTER the fact).
-Help finding counseling, talking to the police, talking to a lawyer etc.
-ending victim shaming techniques.
Abuser Supports
-Education on abuse, harassment, anger, bullying, coercion etc.
-Access to anger management, sex offender therapy etc.
-Support for those who actually meet the standard for rehabilitation (able to acknowledge their misdeeds, to take responsibility for their actions without shifting responsibility, desire to change, willingness to follow through with programs, successful completion of programs, NO FURTHER ABUSES.
Finally, Putting it in Motion
Some of this is already being done. One of our group leads has offered free self defense classes, kink safe workshops and is clearly refusing access to their events to known predators. Another bunch are organizing a workshop on consent, a round table on consent and another are finding community resources to help with this issue.
Want to be part of the solution? Get involved!!
Unfortunately some of the more established groups and individuals are feeling attacked, defensive and thus are focusing on defending themselves. Even more unfortunately this defensiveness looks an awful lot like rape denial-ism, mansplaining and victim shaming.
Edmonton... we need to move forward. We cannot do this unless we focus on solving the problem rather than figuring out who is at fault. This is no different than any other problem-there are steps that can help us to climb out of this and into a stronger, more cohesive community.
First we need to acknowledge that there is a problem.
This seems to be a stumbling block for many. Many just want to not have to endure the pain of change, to not admit that rape in BDSM exists (aside from CNC), to not risk outing an abuser, to firmly hold onto the myth that false allegations are common (they are not).
The sad but reasonable truth is:
-There are abusers in our community, just like any other community.
-There are vulnerable populations in our community, just as any other community.
-Our current way of handling things supports abusers rather than victims.
-Abusers often seek positions of authority.
-Victims are often silenced, shamed and dismissed.
These are not new problems. The only thing that is 'new' is that our societal shift from "no means no" to affirmative consent has finally trickled down into our BDSM communities. In 1992 Canada adopted affirmative consent into laws (Source). This change has been a slow and painful one for society, and is now taking hold quite firmly, and shifts the focus from victims to the perpetrators of assault. This societal and legal change was not on a whim. It is based on piles of research on assault, sexual attitudes, rape culture and fear response.
So please, let us acknowledge that there is a problem, along the lines of "How to address community concerns regarding consent violation reports?"
Secondly: Identify the Problem
What are the community concerns regarding consent violations? This is a complicated question, with so many varied concerns. I will try to include as many perspectives as I can.
1. Predators. There are concerns regarding predators in our community. There are a few names that come up consistently whenever abuse, predatory behaviour, rape or consent violations come up. We need both a proactive and reactive way to deal with persons who demonstrate that they are abusers/predators.
2. Reporting. There are concerns that if we report a person for assault, consent violations, rape, harassment, bullying and so on, that we will be accused of drama, told to grow up and deal with it, disbelieved and then shunned.
3. False Reports. There are concerns that people's lives will be destroyed over false abuse reports.
4. Publicity. There are concerns that our dirty laundry will be publicized, making our community (and bdsm in general), our groups etc look bad.
5. Loss of Discretion. There are concerns that this type of conversation will lead to the loss of our anonymity. That good people will be outed, jobs lost, lives ruined.
6. Drama. This are concerns about drama.
7. Blaming. Many are concerned that this will turn into a blame game.
Thirdly: Gain Support to Find Solutions to The Problem
Now that we acknowledge that there is indeed a problem, and we identify the many faucets of the problem, we need support in our efforts to find solutions to the problem. This requires public awareness, forming of alliances, volunteerism, activism, and commitment.
Public awareness is already happening, with many shining a light on a problem that has been kept mostly in the shadows. (Fetlife posts, articles, word of mouth, blogs, fliers, workshops etc). This is being done right now, in our community and many others.
Some alliances are being formed, with volunteers, activists and other individuals and organizers stepping up to lend their support and work on being part of the solutions.
Fourthly: Brainstorming Ideas
There is no one magic solution to this type of problem. This is really important to note-No Magic Solution. Instead there are many things that we (as indivudals, groups, leaders, teachers, organizers, bystanders, victims, allies etc) can do to help move forward to a healthier place.
Some ideas I have heard so far include:
Public Awareness:
-Continue to support those coming forward with their truth.
-Encourage those who are willing to come forward.
-Pointing out victim blaming when we see or hear it.
-Sharing factual information about abuse.
-Workshops on abuse and consent
-Inviting professionals to share with our community on topics about consent and assault.
Community Education:
-Workshops and handouts on consent, yes means yes, boundaries, coercion, bullying, victim blaming, sexual assault, dealing with violations etc.
-Clear guidelines on what to do if you have a problem (if your consent is violated)
-Using safe calls, vetting, BSafe, safety spotter, public play etc and WHY.
-How to be told no.
-Clear guidelines on what to do if someone reports a violation to you.
-How to support victims
-Clearly defining the difference between personal bubbles and consent violations.
Mitigating Risks
-Self Defense classes
-Kink Safe practice awareness
-Establishing safety protocols
-Local Safe Call systems
-Recognizing Red Flags
-Personal Responsibility Workshops
Safe Spaces
-Clear rules regarding conduct
-Enforcement of those rules
-Ejecting persons who cannot follow 'do not touch' rules.
-Clear rules on reporting and handling reports
-Leadership Vetting (including open forums for community members to come forward with concerns about those seeking to be in leadership roles, higher standard of conduct rules for leaders, crim checks against assaults)
-Zero tolerance for harassment
Victim Support
-Allowing people to come forward and share their story
-Focus on support over blaming
-Education for community on victim blaming
-Access to kink friendly resources
-Sex Crimes Liason (Sargent Grimes would be a great one to talk to, and they ARE interested in being a part of a proactive solution, rather than merely being the ones to take reports AFTER the fact).
-Help finding counseling, talking to the police, talking to a lawyer etc.
-ending victim shaming techniques.
Abuser Supports
-Education on abuse, harassment, anger, bullying, coercion etc.
-Access to anger management, sex offender therapy etc.
-Support for those who actually meet the standard for rehabilitation (able to acknowledge their misdeeds, to take responsibility for their actions without shifting responsibility, desire to change, willingness to follow through with programs, successful completion of programs, NO FURTHER ABUSES.
Finally, Putting it in Motion
Some of this is already being done. One of our group leads has offered free self defense classes, kink safe workshops and is clearly refusing access to their events to known predators. Another bunch are organizing a workshop on consent, a round table on consent and another are finding community resources to help with this issue.
Want to be part of the solution? Get involved!!
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