My community seems to be tangled up in a rather significant problem: How to address community concerns regarding consent violation reports?
Unfortunately some of the more established groups and individuals are feeling attacked, defensive and thus are focusing on defending themselves. Even more unfortunately this defensiveness looks an awful lot like rape denial-ism, mansplaining and victim shaming.
Edmonton... we need to move forward. We cannot do this unless we focus on solving the problem rather than figuring out who is at fault. This is no different than any other problem-there are steps that can help us to climb out of this and into a stronger, more cohesive community.
First we need to acknowledge that there is a problem.
This seems to be a stumbling block for many. Many just want to not have to endure the pain of change, to not admit that rape in BDSM exists (aside from CNC), to not risk outing an abuser, to firmly hold onto the myth that false allegations are common (they are not).
The sad but reasonable truth is:
-There are abusers in our community, just like any other community.
-There are vulnerable populations in our community, just as any other community.
-Our current way of handling things supports abusers rather than victims.
-Abusers often seek positions of authority.
-Victims are often silenced, shamed and dismissed.
These are not new problems. The only thing that is 'new' is that our societal shift from "no means no" to affirmative consent has finally trickled down into our BDSM communities. In 1992 Canada adopted affirmative consent into laws (Source). This change has been a slow and painful one for society, and is now taking hold quite firmly, and shifts the focus from victims to the perpetrators of assault. This societal and legal change was not on a whim. It is based on piles of research on assault, sexual attitudes, rape culture and fear response.
So please, let us acknowledge that there is a problem, along the lines of "How to address community concerns regarding consent violation reports?"
Secondly: Identify the Problem
What are the community concerns regarding consent violations? This is a complicated question, with so many varied concerns. I will try to include as many perspectives as I can.
1. Predators. There are concerns regarding predators in our community. There are a few names that come up consistently whenever abuse, predatory behaviour, rape or consent violations come up. We need both a proactive and reactive way to deal with persons who demonstrate that they are abusers/predators.
2. Reporting. There are concerns that if we report a person for assault, consent violations, rape, harassment, bullying and so on, that we will be accused of drama, told to grow up and deal with it, disbelieved and then shunned.
3. False Reports. There are concerns that people's lives will be destroyed over false abuse reports.
4. Publicity. There are concerns that our dirty laundry will be publicized, making our community (and bdsm in general), our groups etc look bad.
5. Loss of Discretion. There are concerns that this type of conversation will lead to the loss of our anonymity. That good people will be outed, jobs lost, lives ruined.
6. Drama. This are concerns about drama.
7. Blaming. Many are concerned that this will turn into a blame game.
Thirdly: Gain Support to Find Solutions to The Problem
Now that we acknowledge that there is indeed a problem, and we identify the many faucets of the problem, we need support in our efforts to find solutions to the problem. This requires public awareness, forming of alliances, volunteerism, activism, and commitment.
Public awareness is already happening, with many shining a light on a problem that has been kept mostly in the shadows. (Fetlife posts, articles, word of mouth, blogs, fliers, workshops etc). This is being done right now, in our community and many others.
Some alliances are being formed, with volunteers, activists and other individuals and organizers stepping up to lend their support and work on being part of the solutions.
Fourthly: Brainstorming Ideas
There is no one magic solution to this type of problem. This is really important to note-No Magic Solution. Instead there are many things that we (as indivudals, groups, leaders, teachers, organizers, bystanders, victims, allies etc) can do to help move forward to a healthier place.
Some ideas I have heard so far include:
Public Awareness:
-Continue to support those coming forward with their truth.
-Encourage those who are willing to come forward.
-Pointing out victim blaming when we see or hear it.
-Sharing factual information about abuse.
-Workshops on abuse and consent
-Inviting professionals to share with our community on topics about consent and assault.
Community Education:
-Workshops and handouts on consent, yes means yes, boundaries, coercion, bullying, victim blaming, sexual assault, dealing with violations etc.
-Clear guidelines on what to do if you have a problem (if your consent is violated)
-Using safe calls, vetting, BSafe, safety spotter, public play etc and WHY.
-How to be told no.
-Clear guidelines on what to do if someone reports a violation to you.
-How to support victims
-Clearly defining the difference between personal bubbles and consent violations.
Mitigating Risks
-Self Defense classes
-Kink Safe practice awareness
-Establishing safety protocols
-Local Safe Call systems
-Recognizing Red Flags
-Personal Responsibility Workshops
Safe Spaces
-Clear rules regarding conduct
-Enforcement of those rules
-Ejecting persons who cannot follow 'do not touch' rules.
-Clear rules on reporting and handling reports
-Leadership Vetting (including open forums for community members to come forward with concerns about those seeking to be in leadership roles, higher standard of conduct rules for leaders, crim checks against assaults)
-Zero tolerance for harassment
Victim Support
-Allowing people to come forward and share their story
-Focus on support over blaming
-Education for community on victim blaming
-Access to kink friendly resources
-Sex Crimes Liason (Sargent Grimes would be a great one to talk to, and they ARE interested in being a part of a proactive solution, rather than merely being the ones to take reports AFTER the fact).
-Help finding counseling, talking to the police, talking to a lawyer etc.
-ending victim shaming techniques.
Abuser Supports
-Education on abuse, harassment, anger, bullying, coercion etc.
-Access to anger management, sex offender therapy etc.
-Support for those who actually meet the standard for rehabilitation (able to acknowledge their misdeeds, to take responsibility for their actions without shifting responsibility, desire to change, willingness to follow through with programs, successful completion of programs, NO FURTHER ABUSES.
Finally, Putting it in Motion
Some of this is already being done. One of our group leads has offered free self defense classes, kink safe workshops and is clearly refusing access to their events to known predators. Another bunch are organizing a workshop on consent, a round table on consent and another are finding community resources to help with this issue.
Want to be part of the solution? Get involved!!
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