Our package arrived Friday (already open!! Darn postal system!) Our StingRay Paddle from Thorgeir.
I continued my day, but my thoughts kept straying back to our new
goodie with anticipation. (I know, I know...in all the stories the girl
is upset, scared and hates whatever implement her Stern Sir has
received. Not me..sorry)
Much later... when Sir and I were alone, we popped on an episode of
True Blood (I don't care!! I like It!) and I gleefully crawled over
FHB's lap. The devious man decided to use the wood side for warm up, in
his typical brisk fashion... Oh. My. Freaking. Gawd. That paddle
has a bit of an impact. For the next few minutes I was seriously
reconsidering my long time fetish of being spanked. That thing hurts.
It is polished to a smooth, non sticky finish. I am assuming that it
feels as if you are not swinging it, because it seemed to be landing
excessively firmly.
Once Sir figured my skin was warm sigh he flipped that devil
paddle over. For the rest of our 45 minutes and 52 second of "test the
paddle" time, I was treated to the amazing sensation of stingray
leather upon leather butt.
I am in love.
Truly.
The first swat stings, like any paddle. Then just as the next one is
landing there is this interesting as hell sensation. EVERY BIT of
texture on that leather does a stingy tingle. So.. you get that sting
that leaves those amazing sensations on the skin's surface AND you get
the THUD of the wood and all the erogenous stimulation from that.
BLISS.
Sir tends to have a rather... uh... rhythmic style of paddling. He
was not swinging hard, mind you... but due to the tempo I was wriggling
and gasping, squeaking and whimpering. That was challenging, but could
have continued for a good long while. When (at my request, because I am
a glutton for real) Sir moved to harder thwacks with longer pauses, the
skin danced with sensation. The thud from that paddle is so amazing.
The stingray.. well it is sexy as heck. I am sure that it was only ten
minutes of heavier strikes before I was begging.... done.
Sir posted under that pic that I am 'sensitive to touch' which does
not cover it. the next morning (and that is AFTER amazing aftercare) I
went to roll over and my whole body tensed in shock as the mere flexing
of leg muscles created an intense sensation of skin being too tight
and... well... it felt as if my skin had pebbles of welts upon it, over
every inch of my ass and thighs.
Although as I went through my day the tightness wore off rather
quickly (walking is amazingly good for that) the pebbly welted sensation
remained. At 1030 last night when I sat on my stairs (which are
textured stoned coated) I squealed. This morning, wrapped in a towel,
the feeling of the towel across my skin is very... unusual.
I love my new paddle. I highly recommend this paddle-seriously-it was worth every penny.
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
Struggling
I am struggling.
For the last year (or nearly a year) I have had the great luck to be living with an amazing gent who shares in my pervy interests. It has been the most blissful and joyous period of my life.
Over the last few weeks things have changed. Be it me, be it him, we are not connecting on that power exchange level that fills me with self acceptance, joy, and that 'full cupboard' feeling. We instead are more like room mates, passing in the hallway but yet not connected. Play as decreased rapidly to its current state of non existence.
Have I once again broken a man? I have taken a man who loved sex, loved to play laugh and cause me the most exquisite pain, and I have broken him.. I have turned him into (prepare yourself...)...
A muggle.
A muggle who wants a vanilla relationship with me (for now? forever? till I freak? not...sure...)
Once again, I have improved my personal self, only to find myself alone in a house with the person I am with.
First time (first marriage) I lost 55 lbs and started school. My marriage went from rocky but passionate, to hellacious and empty.
Second time I gained my degree, found personal growth and my marriage disintegrated.
Now I am sitting here... after being so damned determined to NEVER do this again (this being share space, be in a hearts and flowers relationship) finding that as my life comes together even more (I am getting in shape, starting to make a bit more money, nearly done my BA) that his interest may have faded.
Sigh...
No clue where I am going from here... so many things to think about, so much to consider.
Can I be in a vanilla relationship?
Do I want to?
I really don't think I can.
I will tell you one thing that will be different this time. This time I will be taking this to my Sir. I will be sharing my hurt, my fear and my burden with him.
Monday, 3 June 2013
Being a Rope Top/Rigger and Sexism?
I am very aware that sexism exists, inside and out of the BDSM
community. Such is the way of the world, although things are changing
and improving (slowly), sexism is alive and well, and up here in
Northern BC it is thriving.
As a RWV (Rigger With Vagina) I really expected to be on the receiving end of sexist remarks and attitude. I started a local rope group, expecting offers to be tied up, rather than volunteers to let me tie them. I went to Ropegasm with my Sir as my practice bunny, I did not advertise for a bunny for the event because I assumed that no one would agree to go with a RWV with little experience. In my defense we went with another couple and my Sir did volunteer to let me practice on him. What good little submissive doesn't jump on that?
Seriously though.
As a Rope Top/Rigger who happens to have a Vagina, sexism can work in my favor though. I am NEVER short bunnies. I get to not only tie my bunnies, but make them squeal, squeak and purr. I have male and female bunnies. Some very shy ladies have let me tie them. I have tied gals who are homophobic (to varying degrees). I have done sexy dirty ties and very sterile ties. I tie myself, my friends, my teddies, my pillow, my jacket, my Sir, and once tried to tie the cat (he IS a sexist jerk and won't let me)
The only sexism I run across is stray pm's from men who assume that because I have a vagina my rigging is just a way for me to get some dick. Surely I use rope so that I can have some man I never met hump my leg, right? Or as one guy put it, "At least be naked when you tie me, or what's the point?"
No one asks me what Man Taught Me to use rope. No one assumes that my very non rope Sir is in charge of my rope scenes. No one has messaged me asking what REAL Rigger did the work in this pic or that. No one has made me feel unwelcome when I rig in the dungeon.
Not saying that sexism in all things Rigging is not out there-just that I have not run across the things I have heard other RWV (Riggers with Vaginas) talk about.
As a RWV (Rigger With Vagina) I really expected to be on the receiving end of sexist remarks and attitude. I started a local rope group, expecting offers to be tied up, rather than volunteers to let me tie them. I went to Ropegasm with my Sir as my practice bunny, I did not advertise for a bunny for the event because I assumed that no one would agree to go with a RWV with little experience. In my defense we went with another couple and my Sir did volunteer to let me practice on him. What good little submissive doesn't jump on that?
Seriously though.
As a Rope Top/Rigger who happens to have a Vagina, sexism can work in my favor though. I am NEVER short bunnies. I get to not only tie my bunnies, but make them squeal, squeak and purr. I have male and female bunnies. Some very shy ladies have let me tie them. I have tied gals who are homophobic (to varying degrees). I have done sexy dirty ties and very sterile ties. I tie myself, my friends, my teddies, my pillow, my jacket, my Sir, and once tried to tie the cat (he IS a sexist jerk and won't let me)
The only sexism I run across is stray pm's from men who assume that because I have a vagina my rigging is just a way for me to get some dick. Surely I use rope so that I can have some man I never met hump my leg, right? Or as one guy put it, "At least be naked when you tie me, or what's the point?"
No one asks me what Man Taught Me to use rope. No one assumes that my very non rope Sir is in charge of my rope scenes. No one has messaged me asking what REAL Rigger did the work in this pic or that. No one has made me feel unwelcome when I rig in the dungeon.
Not saying that sexism in all things Rigging is not out there-just that I have not run across the things I have heard other RWV (Riggers with Vaginas) talk about.
Saturday, 4 May 2013
Muggles are perverts too!
i spent five hours last night as the presenter for a group of non
kink women (a.k.a. "Muggles") as part of a local Women's Group. Having
never presented for Muggles I was a bit nervous. I live in a smallish
community. Said community is also fairly uneducated and overflowing
with sexism, racism, general bigotry and of course all sorts of
homophobia and conservatism.
I dressed the part, in fake leather bustier, skirt, and cap; each item decorated with the required chains of course. I brought all kinds of goodies-rope bags, toy bags, books, pressure points tools and sensation toys. I had a top end sex swing frame to suspend off of and a volunteer 'bunny'.
We chatted and laughed, and then I had everyone blindfold themselves. Then we played the "If you have done this, raise your hand" and the "If you would like to do this raise your hand" game, as I read off one of the fetish lists.
Aside from activities that are quite edgey, someone raised their hand for every fetish. Every single one, aside from, like I said, the more brazen types of activities that even some in 'the lifestyle' draw a line at.
Muggles are perverts too!
It was a great night, and a learning experience for me as well.
I dressed the part, in fake leather bustier, skirt, and cap; each item decorated with the required chains of course. I brought all kinds of goodies-rope bags, toy bags, books, pressure points tools and sensation toys. I had a top end sex swing frame to suspend off of and a volunteer 'bunny'.
We chatted and laughed, and then I had everyone blindfold themselves. Then we played the "If you have done this, raise your hand" and the "If you would like to do this raise your hand" game, as I read off one of the fetish lists.
Aside from activities that are quite edgey, someone raised their hand for every fetish. Every single one, aside from, like I said, the more brazen types of activities that even some in 'the lifestyle' draw a line at.
Muggles are perverts too!
It was a great night, and a learning experience for me as well.
Thursday, 18 April 2013
Her ASS.... Oh ... My....About that Anal Sex Demonstration
The moment I laid eyes on her incredibly sexy body as she settled,
belly down onto the padded table, my worry and nervousness melted away
as if they never were.
I let my eyes drink in her stocking clad legs, her oh so pale skin seeming to glow in the exposed stripes between her lacy briefs and just as lacy brassiere. Oh My.... What a gift!!
To someone like me, who adores bums, her ass was a picture of perfection. perfectly round globes raised upwards (due to a strategically placed cushion), framed by the black silk of her panties and stockings...
In that moment I forgot that this was a demonstration. I forgot that there was a crowd watching. I forgot that I had never touched a woman in this manner. In that moment all I could think of is, "wow....!!!!! For me????!!!!!"
I grabbed the massage cream and rubbed her back, While FHB ran the power point for our group on making anal an erotic experience. I massaged and chatted softly with this amazing lady, soothing her skin. I reminded her that nothing was going to happen until she asked, and only what she asked for.
I laid all the toys out by her slightly flushed face, teasing her mercilessly with the idea of what could be used on her... she giggled and I grabbed some gloves, condoms and silicone lubricant.
I massaged her back, her buttocks and the very tops of her thighs... Concentrating on being slow, letting her get comfy.
When she indicated she was feeling relaxed I let my lubricated and gloved fingers massage around her anus, pressing and almost entering but never quite actually doing so... she would start to lift her hips and wiggle, and I would go back to massaging her hips, thighs, buttocks and back, then again, lubrication, and massaging, letting the fingers explore her amazing body.
I pretended not to understand when she hinted, loving that sexy flush she does when she has to be blunt. (oh sexy lady, you are amazing). As she wiggled, and cooed I was overcome with an urge to sink my teeth slowly into her ass cheeks.. I faltered for a moment, the image was so strong, then told her I wanted to.
"You can bite my ass" she said demurely, and my bodies reaction to those words was intense... Still rubbing and lightly prodding, I slowly gathered a mouthful of buttocks and pressed my teeth into her skin, my fingers pressing more firmly. Her noises were lovely and I had to take a breath and concentrate... I was a bit unsteady and glanced up at our little crowd, and finding the reassurance I needed in the happy smiles and lack of condemnation on anyone's faces, I turned my focus back to the vixen in front of me.
I continued to rub and touch, focusing on what made her tense up and what seemed to help her relax more....Touch, press, nibble, hug, talk, reassure. All the time my fingers learning her curves, exploring the lovely pucker of her anus...
The sweet gal indicated that she would like to try to small vibrator against the opening, so I happily obliged. The nifty little toy has ten settings, and we tried each of them, and from the feedback and squirming I would hazard a guess that she was beginning to enjoy herself a bit.
FHB got to the part of the presentation in which rimming was discussed. I pulled out the dental damn and demonstrated... Due to the corset and table height I was unable to for long, which saddened me greatly, as the "oh!!" was wonderful indeed.
After a bit more playing and stroking she grinned at me and said, "This is very relaxing, not erotic though." And I laughed, hoping that I wasn't wet to my knees... "more?" I queried, knowing damned well that was what she was trying to say without saying. "Yes" she answered, all flushed and giggly...
So I let one fingertip enter, to the first knuckle. I added the vibration to the anus with the nifty toy... and after she stopped clenching my finger i let the finger move up and down, the vibration, more lube, more tapping... my other hand rubbing her lovely cheeks and grinning, I am sure, like a kid let loose in a toy store.
"More" she asked. and I happily obliged, loving how her butt was raising to meet my hand as I added a second fingertip and then just explored leisurely.
There is an amazing texture to asses... So soft, so clingy. Each fold is like a mystery and the clenching and releasing of those muscles was magic. I had my bottom lip between my teeth as she began to writhe under my hand. I am certain I had a glow on...
The room had gone silent, the only sound the vibrator buzzing and her lovely coos and my indrawn breaths when her reactions were particularity yummy.
She buried her face in her arms and said, laughing breathlessly, "I'm done"
I leaned forward and was floored and flattered when she said, "You have to stop, or I am going to finish, and I don't want to in front of everyone."
So there you have it...
My first lesbian sex experience. And oh yes, I oh so did like it.
I liked it very much.
I let my eyes drink in her stocking clad legs, her oh so pale skin seeming to glow in the exposed stripes between her lacy briefs and just as lacy brassiere. Oh My.... What a gift!!
To someone like me, who adores bums, her ass was a picture of perfection. perfectly round globes raised upwards (due to a strategically placed cushion), framed by the black silk of her panties and stockings...
In that moment I forgot that this was a demonstration. I forgot that there was a crowd watching. I forgot that I had never touched a woman in this manner. In that moment all I could think of is, "wow....!!!!! For me????!!!!!"
I grabbed the massage cream and rubbed her back, While FHB ran the power point for our group on making anal an erotic experience. I massaged and chatted softly with this amazing lady, soothing her skin. I reminded her that nothing was going to happen until she asked, and only what she asked for.
I laid all the toys out by her slightly flushed face, teasing her mercilessly with the idea of what could be used on her... she giggled and I grabbed some gloves, condoms and silicone lubricant.
I massaged her back, her buttocks and the very tops of her thighs... Concentrating on being slow, letting her get comfy.
When she indicated she was feeling relaxed I let my lubricated and gloved fingers massage around her anus, pressing and almost entering but never quite actually doing so... she would start to lift her hips and wiggle, and I would go back to massaging her hips, thighs, buttocks and back, then again, lubrication, and massaging, letting the fingers explore her amazing body.
I pretended not to understand when she hinted, loving that sexy flush she does when she has to be blunt. (oh sexy lady, you are amazing). As she wiggled, and cooed I was overcome with an urge to sink my teeth slowly into her ass cheeks.. I faltered for a moment, the image was so strong, then told her I wanted to.
"You can bite my ass" she said demurely, and my bodies reaction to those words was intense... Still rubbing and lightly prodding, I slowly gathered a mouthful of buttocks and pressed my teeth into her skin, my fingers pressing more firmly. Her noises were lovely and I had to take a breath and concentrate... I was a bit unsteady and glanced up at our little crowd, and finding the reassurance I needed in the happy smiles and lack of condemnation on anyone's faces, I turned my focus back to the vixen in front of me.
I continued to rub and touch, focusing on what made her tense up and what seemed to help her relax more....Touch, press, nibble, hug, talk, reassure. All the time my fingers learning her curves, exploring the lovely pucker of her anus...
The sweet gal indicated that she would like to try to small vibrator against the opening, so I happily obliged. The nifty little toy has ten settings, and we tried each of them, and from the feedback and squirming I would hazard a guess that she was beginning to enjoy herself a bit.
FHB got to the part of the presentation in which rimming was discussed. I pulled out the dental damn and demonstrated... Due to the corset and table height I was unable to for long, which saddened me greatly, as the "oh!!" was wonderful indeed.
After a bit more playing and stroking she grinned at me and said, "This is very relaxing, not erotic though." And I laughed, hoping that I wasn't wet to my knees... "more?" I queried, knowing damned well that was what she was trying to say without saying. "Yes" she answered, all flushed and giggly...
So I let one fingertip enter, to the first knuckle. I added the vibration to the anus with the nifty toy... and after she stopped clenching my finger i let the finger move up and down, the vibration, more lube, more tapping... my other hand rubbing her lovely cheeks and grinning, I am sure, like a kid let loose in a toy store.
"More" she asked. and I happily obliged, loving how her butt was raising to meet my hand as I added a second fingertip and then just explored leisurely.
There is an amazing texture to asses... So soft, so clingy. Each fold is like a mystery and the clenching and releasing of those muscles was magic. I had my bottom lip between my teeth as she began to writhe under my hand. I am certain I had a glow on...
The room had gone silent, the only sound the vibrator buzzing and her lovely coos and my indrawn breaths when her reactions were particularity yummy.
She buried her face in her arms and said, laughing breathlessly, "I'm done"
I leaned forward and was floored and flattered when she said, "You have to stop, or I am going to finish, and I don't want to in front of everyone."
So there you have it...
My first lesbian sex experience. And oh yes, I oh so did like it.
I liked it very much.
Thursday, 4 April 2013
FHB gets Even
I quivered as he came up the steps, startling when he dropped
something on the counter, and again startling as he poked and grasped,
pressed against those damned pressure points, hands and fingers going
where he wished.
I moaned/whimpered as he prodded my rather (ummm) moist nether region, loving the appreciative sounds he was making and the utterly exposed feeling. Then I had a moment of panic when I realized I had forgotten the damned collar... Not sure if he forgot as well, or just decided to ignore the gaffe in light of my already stressed out state.
Then FHB ordered me up, as he drew me to my shaky feet. I helped him out of his clothes, and we chatted as he headed to shower. I quickly rounded up the mat, the keys to the toy closet (I tried for bratty and put a huge padlock on it the day before.. effort wasted as FHB didn't notice lol) and tried to wrap up a few study notes while I waited.
When FHB headed into our bath, I grabbed the key, and knelt, splayed forward, upon the bed, and waited, hands holding out the key.
MUCH later, FHB decided it was time to open the toy closet, which he communicated by yanking me to the edge of the bed and flipping me over in a smooth and caveman like motion. I lay there, feet touching the floor, hands in front of me, determined to be oh so good and just sink into the beating...
(I oh so love my beatings!!)
FHB apparently had other ideas..He fastened the collar around my neck (Why does that cause such a mix of "oh fuck" and "oh my"??) and sat beside me, one hand pressing me into the bed while the other rapidly and harshly warmed my skin. I was making all those protesting sounds and struggling to stay in place (and failing), half laughing, half whimpering when he picked up his damned flyswatter from Thorgiers That thing is a MEAN tool for warm up.. Particularly when it is being applied briskly and with non warm up force.
It was at this point that I started to figure out that a long luxurious beating was not what was in store for me. But a more ... aggressive sort of beating...
Which makes it even harder to deal with, for me. I get that half in subspace lack of cognition... mixed with a bit of "Is he wroth with me?" and the whole complex feel good, hurt feelings, desire, longing, foot stomping, pride hurt cuz struggling, glad its not easy, but I like my luxuriously long.. dammit... sort of mashup going on.
I have no real recollection of what all FHB was using after the flyswatter, a tawse (the freebee from Lupercalia.. I can't remember the store name, but I will update that when I remember.. it is incredibly stingy and makes a satisfying CRACK) that mean as hell rubber paddle and his oh so firm hands. I do know that I bucked hard enough that I got my toe whacked, which made FHB scold me (Which made me cry). I actually yellowed a couple times I think... I know that Sir had to hold me down fairly firmly at times... I have a rather vivid recollection of Sir's hand between my thighs, flooding me with humiliation over my incredibly wet to the knees state as he teased me horribly for it. (GAAWWWDDDDDD!!!!)
And no... none of that is punishment. That is just freaking amazing and wonderful fun. (for me).
The payback?
That was when I yellowed, sobbing, hating that damned rubber thing for making me beg, loving Sir for knowing that begging was the perfect speed for my angsty mood... and i felt him stand and relief coursed through me, my only thought was 'done... no more... done.. done done.." and suddenly a very sharp object was cutting me from shoulder to heel, over and over, as I squealed and begged, and pled and cried, That wartenburg thing SUCKS. I HATE IT!! Well... ok I love and hate it. I swear.. it is cutting me to ribbons and yet... not a freaking mark. NOT ONE!!!
So yes... two apples are paid for.. My apologies that the picture is so anti-climatic. Bug Firm-Hand-Buddha to post the pics of the marks from Luper-I really just don't mark up anymore....
Hopefully our stingray paddle shows up today!!
PS
I had issues sitting through my exam, my ass was so swollen after that my jeans creasing as I sat was incredibly difficult to bear. It was awesome.
xxoo to FHB
I moaned/whimpered as he prodded my rather (ummm) moist nether region, loving the appreciative sounds he was making and the utterly exposed feeling. Then I had a moment of panic when I realized I had forgotten the damned collar... Not sure if he forgot as well, or just decided to ignore the gaffe in light of my already stressed out state.
Then FHB ordered me up, as he drew me to my shaky feet. I helped him out of his clothes, and we chatted as he headed to shower. I quickly rounded up the mat, the keys to the toy closet (I tried for bratty and put a huge padlock on it the day before.. effort wasted as FHB didn't notice lol) and tried to wrap up a few study notes while I waited.
When FHB headed into our bath, I grabbed the key, and knelt, splayed forward, upon the bed, and waited, hands holding out the key.
MUCH later, FHB decided it was time to open the toy closet, which he communicated by yanking me to the edge of the bed and flipping me over in a smooth and caveman like motion. I lay there, feet touching the floor, hands in front of me, determined to be oh so good and just sink into the beating...
(I oh so love my beatings!!)
FHB apparently had other ideas..He fastened the collar around my neck (Why does that cause such a mix of "oh fuck" and "oh my"??) and sat beside me, one hand pressing me into the bed while the other rapidly and harshly warmed my skin. I was making all those protesting sounds and struggling to stay in place (and failing), half laughing, half whimpering when he picked up his damned flyswatter from Thorgiers That thing is a MEAN tool for warm up.. Particularly when it is being applied briskly and with non warm up force.
It was at this point that I started to figure out that a long luxurious beating was not what was in store for me. But a more ... aggressive sort of beating...
Which makes it even harder to deal with, for me. I get that half in subspace lack of cognition... mixed with a bit of "Is he wroth with me?" and the whole complex feel good, hurt feelings, desire, longing, foot stomping, pride hurt cuz struggling, glad its not easy, but I like my luxuriously long.. dammit... sort of mashup going on.
I have no real recollection of what all FHB was using after the flyswatter, a tawse (the freebee from Lupercalia.. I can't remember the store name, but I will update that when I remember.. it is incredibly stingy and makes a satisfying CRACK) that mean as hell rubber paddle and his oh so firm hands. I do know that I bucked hard enough that I got my toe whacked, which made FHB scold me (Which made me cry). I actually yellowed a couple times I think... I know that Sir had to hold me down fairly firmly at times... I have a rather vivid recollection of Sir's hand between my thighs, flooding me with humiliation over my incredibly wet to the knees state as he teased me horribly for it. (GAAWWWDDDDDD!!!!)
And no... none of that is punishment. That is just freaking amazing and wonderful fun. (for me).
The payback?
That was when I yellowed, sobbing, hating that damned rubber thing for making me beg, loving Sir for knowing that begging was the perfect speed for my angsty mood... and i felt him stand and relief coursed through me, my only thought was 'done... no more... done.. done done.." and suddenly a very sharp object was cutting me from shoulder to heel, over and over, as I squealed and begged, and pled and cried, That wartenburg thing SUCKS. I HATE IT!! Well... ok I love and hate it. I swear.. it is cutting me to ribbons and yet... not a freaking mark. NOT ONE!!!
So yes... two apples are paid for.. My apologies that the picture is so anti-climatic. Bug Firm-Hand-Buddha to post the pics of the marks from Luper-I really just don't mark up anymore....
Hopefully our stingray paddle shows up today!!
PS
I had issues sitting through my exam, my ass was so swollen after that my jeans creasing as I sat was incredibly difficult to bear. It was awesome.
xxoo to FHB
Sunday, 17 March 2013
I am not your wife anymore... remember?
Dear NoLongerMyHusband,
According to provincial law, from the very second you left this house with the intention of no longer living like partners, our marriage ended.
This means that I am no longer your wife.
I have a signed and witnessed Separation agreement. You signed it! You had your BOSS witness it.
This means I am no longer your wife.
So why is it that I still have to care for your cat? A cat I am allergic to, that was only welcomed here as an extension of your welcome here? You say you 'can't look after her' but that still does not explain WHY this is my problem?
Why is it that when you are broke you call me? Why is that MY problem? I supported you through your wait for a job permit, and when you left you took our family income! I have the cat, the kids and full time school and no hours in which to work, but YOu think I should give YOU money?
Why is it that you call me asking me how to 1. pay your bills, 2. fill out your empolyment paperwork 3. how to pay childsupport 4. How to get an apartment 5. how to get your credit card 6. how to sell your truck.... The list is endless. These things are no longer my responsibility. YOU are no longer my responsibility. YOU FUCKING chose this, why am I supposed to still look after you? Are you looking after me in ANY FUCKING WAY? Do I call you asking for you to take out the trash? Fix my car? shovel the driveway? fix the plumbing? (oh.. never mind.. I did all those tings anyways. )
Why is it that you call me looking for hugs? You are lonely? um.. you had a family and didn't want them. You had a pile of people extend friendship to you and you hid in the living room instead of accepting any overtures.. Why is it my problem that you are lonely? You are scared? Who made the choices that are now weighing on you?
The kids don't call you? Really? So you are saying, that after you left (without a fucking word to them about it) and did not contact them for nearly TWO FUCKING WEEKS, they should be gleefully chasing your pouty, bitter, self pitying self for conversations? After nearly a decade of you withrdrawing from them, suddenly because you NEED them they should want to call you?? Really?
Life is rough for you? Money is tight? You have no one? No one wants to hang out with you?
Fuck..
I told you and told you, begged and pleaded with you, yelled and cried... I tried dammit. I tried to get you to GRAB the life you have and LIVE it! This is the only life you get, and you are wasting it.
You are so busy blaming everyone (its your ex, your sister, your mother, your father, your grandparents, your work, your boss, that coworker, me, teh kids, david, jarrett, my family, the neighbours, my friends... ) everyone but you. What is teh common denominator?
How come, if our marriage is my fault (oh, Angel changed so much.. she stopped loving you? really?) then how come leaving didn't make your live better? It made mine better. It made the kids's life better.
How come your walking away from everyone in the states didn't fix your life? How come the people you blame are still doing fine, but you are not?
IT IS YOU!! You won't let go of the imagined and real hurts of the past. Yes it hurts. Fuck we ALL hurt. Get OVER IT. You won't enjoy any damn thing that comes your way. You insist on drama, you refuse peacefullness. You sat on that couch and would NOT live with us.
AND you fucking pretend that you oh so did not cross the line with Cindy? Really? When was the last time you took your family to something like the ice show? Do I sit and text under a blanket to a guy? WTF?
You wouldn't cuddle. You wouldn't laugh with us. You would not tolerate us. You would not take joy with us. So now you chose to leave, and you want me to make your leaving better for you... Well fUCK THAT.
Quit fucking asking me for help. Quit calling my uber broke ass for money. Quit blaming everyone else for your loneliness.
You make more money to support your single ass than I do to pay the TWO FUCKING mortgatges you left me with and support a family of four, one of those is YOUR CAT.
You won't pay childsupport, you wont take responsibility for your choices and you won't do a damn thing but mope about. Enjoy it I guess. But know that, regardless of how far you run, how many people you walk away from, you can't leave yourself. Even if you DO suicide like you hinted, you will still be with you right to the bitter end. So if you are not happy, fucking do something about it. (something that does not involve me)
Do you know what is really funny?
You will likely not ever find anyone that will love you without reserve the way I did. I trusted you, believed in you, loved you. I opened my home to you, shared everything I have with you. And you tried to break it. But after watching me walk away from a 15 year relationship, away from the man I had my children with, and STILL SURVIVE IT what made you think you could destroy what makes me who I am?
I am a creature of positive energy, of laughter, dancing in teh kitchen, singing off key and rainbows. I am a creature of sunlight, sexual energy, forgiveness and awareness.But more than that, I know myself. I am aware of my self and I respect myself. You can't take that away.
Most Sincerely,
the woman who is NOT your fucking wife.
According to provincial law, from the very second you left this house with the intention of no longer living like partners, our marriage ended.
This means that I am no longer your wife.
I have a signed and witnessed Separation agreement. You signed it! You had your BOSS witness it.
This means I am no longer your wife.
So why is it that I still have to care for your cat? A cat I am allergic to, that was only welcomed here as an extension of your welcome here? You say you 'can't look after her' but that still does not explain WHY this is my problem?
Why is it that when you are broke you call me? Why is that MY problem? I supported you through your wait for a job permit, and when you left you took our family income! I have the cat, the kids and full time school and no hours in which to work, but YOu think I should give YOU money?
Why is it that you call me asking me how to 1. pay your bills, 2. fill out your empolyment paperwork 3. how to pay childsupport 4. How to get an apartment 5. how to get your credit card 6. how to sell your truck.... The list is endless. These things are no longer my responsibility. YOU are no longer my responsibility. YOU FUCKING chose this, why am I supposed to still look after you? Are you looking after me in ANY FUCKING WAY? Do I call you asking for you to take out the trash? Fix my car? shovel the driveway? fix the plumbing? (oh.. never mind.. I did all those tings anyways. )
Why is it that you call me looking for hugs? You are lonely? um.. you had a family and didn't want them. You had a pile of people extend friendship to you and you hid in the living room instead of accepting any overtures.. Why is it my problem that you are lonely? You are scared? Who made the choices that are now weighing on you?
The kids don't call you? Really? So you are saying, that after you left (without a fucking word to them about it) and did not contact them for nearly TWO FUCKING WEEKS, they should be gleefully chasing your pouty, bitter, self pitying self for conversations? After nearly a decade of you withrdrawing from them, suddenly because you NEED them they should want to call you?? Really?
Life is rough for you? Money is tight? You have no one? No one wants to hang out with you?
Fuck..
I told you and told you, begged and pleaded with you, yelled and cried... I tried dammit. I tried to get you to GRAB the life you have and LIVE it! This is the only life you get, and you are wasting it.
You are so busy blaming everyone (its your ex, your sister, your mother, your father, your grandparents, your work, your boss, that coworker, me, teh kids, david, jarrett, my family, the neighbours, my friends... ) everyone but you. What is teh common denominator?
How come, if our marriage is my fault (oh, Angel changed so much.. she stopped loving you? really?) then how come leaving didn't make your live better? It made mine better. It made the kids's life better.
How come your walking away from everyone in the states didn't fix your life? How come the people you blame are still doing fine, but you are not?
IT IS YOU!! You won't let go of the imagined and real hurts of the past. Yes it hurts. Fuck we ALL hurt. Get OVER IT. You won't enjoy any damn thing that comes your way. You insist on drama, you refuse peacefullness. You sat on that couch and would NOT live with us.
AND you fucking pretend that you oh so did not cross the line with Cindy? Really? When was the last time you took your family to something like the ice show? Do I sit and text under a blanket to a guy? WTF?
You wouldn't cuddle. You wouldn't laugh with us. You would not tolerate us. You would not take joy with us. So now you chose to leave, and you want me to make your leaving better for you... Well fUCK THAT.
Quit fucking asking me for help. Quit calling my uber broke ass for money. Quit blaming everyone else for your loneliness.
You make more money to support your single ass than I do to pay the TWO FUCKING mortgatges you left me with and support a family of four, one of those is YOUR CAT.
You won't pay childsupport, you wont take responsibility for your choices and you won't do a damn thing but mope about. Enjoy it I guess. But know that, regardless of how far you run, how many people you walk away from, you can't leave yourself. Even if you DO suicide like you hinted, you will still be with you right to the bitter end. So if you are not happy, fucking do something about it. (something that does not involve me)
Do you know what is really funny?
You will likely not ever find anyone that will love you without reserve the way I did. I trusted you, believed in you, loved you. I opened my home to you, shared everything I have with you. And you tried to break it. But after watching me walk away from a 15 year relationship, away from the man I had my children with, and STILL SURVIVE IT what made you think you could destroy what makes me who I am?
I am a creature of positive energy, of laughter, dancing in teh kitchen, singing off key and rainbows. I am a creature of sunlight, sexual energy, forgiveness and awareness.But more than that, I know myself. I am aware of my self and I respect myself. You can't take that away.
Most Sincerely,
the woman who is NOT your fucking wife.
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