The usually prim lady sprawled on the couch, tipsy from the Bailey's
and flushed with expectation. Her lover had promised to pop by this
evening, and in a burst of alcohol fueled courage she had dressed up
rather tartly for him, her hair swept up, lipstick dark red, and a
slutty little outfit sure to widen his eyes. A patent leather under
bust corset cinched her waist, her breasts bared and a matching patent
skirt that barely covered her butt clung to her curvy body. The black
stockings that encased her legs were sexy as heck and spiked heels on
her feet finished the look, even if she was a bit wobbly in them.
She grinned as she imagined the look on his face, and her naughty
thoughts made her body tingled and tighten in the most delicious ways.
She let her thoughts wander, and was just beginning to imagine all sorts
of sinful fun when she heard it... the jingle of bells, the booming
sound of "hohoho".
She giggled, thinking her dear lover was playing around, and flounced to the door to let him in.
Except..
It was not her lover at all, but ...
"Santa?" she gasped, staring in wonder. Santa here? What on earth!
Santa was staring too, but in horrified shock. His eyes raked over
her and his demeanor changed quickly from jolly to stern and
disapproving. "Miss!! Have you NO shame?"
She gasped in horror as she remembered he state of... cough
undress. Her hands flew up to cover her bare breasts and she blushed a
fiery red. "Oh my!! I, um, that is.. uh." She floundered, at a complete
loss how to deal with this startling development. She flashed a tipsy
grin at the lovely man and giggled..."Obviously I was not expecting
you!!"
Father Christmas, however, was not amused. He took her by the arm and
led her further into the house. Closing the door he turned back to her
and shook his head in disappointment before herding her before him up
the stairs. He scolded her as he shooed her into the living room,
scooping a kitchen chair as he passed the table. "Miss!!! That skirt is
so short your backside flashes as you walk!! What sort of lady wears
such an outfit!!"
She stammered, giggled and stumbled, with half hearted excuses,
apologies and sassy comments as Santa plopped the chair in front of the
tree and sat down, tugging her to spill face down over his knee which
elicited a startled gasp of protest from the tipsy lady herself.
"Santa!! Really! (giggle), um, usually a girl SITS on Santa's knee
you see, I think you have this ALL wrong!!" She tried to stand up, but
Santa placed his white gloved hand firmly upon her back.
"Good girls sit on my lap, Miss.. Not tarts!" Santa adjusted the
squirming ladies body and then brought his right hand down upon her
upturned cheeks.
"Naughty girls get spankings.:"
"eek!!!" She squealed, mortified as her childhood here began to swat her. "Santa, really, i must, ack.. uh.. "
"You (smack) must (smack) nothing!(smack)" Santa retorted, stepping
up his pace and swatting harder to boot. "I (smack SMACK smack) didn't
even (smack smack SMACK smackety smack) raise (SMACK SMACK) your (SMACK)
skirt, (smack smack) you naughty (SMACK) thing, (smack smack smack) it
is so short (SMACK SMACK SMACK) that it (SMACK) raised (SMACK)
itself!!!(SMACK smack smack smack smack SMACK" He focused on turning her
cheeks red, ignoring her protests while he scolded her.
"I cannot (smack smack)hardly (smack SMACK smack) fathom (SMACK) what
has gotten (smack smack smack) into you!! (smack smack smack) Dressing
like a tart (smack SMACK smack) sassing Father Christmas (SMACK SMACK
SMACK SMACK) and you are intoxicated (SMACK SMACK SMACK SMACK) are you
not?? (smack smack smack)" Santa declared.
This onslaught continued, turning her buttocks first a sweet pink,
then dark pink then red, until she was kicking her feet and little
crocodile tears escaped her eyes.
Then Santa snugged her in tightly and spanked her hard and fast,
leaving her breathless, as he ominously queried, "Do you know what Santa
does with sassy, naughty, tarty girls?"
"Spanks them?" she guessed, wryly, in between her gasps and whimpers.
"Naughty girls might get a spanking, but You, Miss" Santa replied,
"have earned far more than that." He jostled her so she was more
securely held and she felt something cold and hard pressed flat against
her very warm cheeks. She barely had time to wonder before he lifted
the item and brought it down smartly.
"Ack!!! owww!!" She flailed, trying to get off his knee as he brought
the mean paddle down again..slightly harder yet. "nooooo!!!!!, stop
please.. Santa!!," and again, harder still, as she kicked and squirmed.
Santa paddled her now tender cheeks thoroughly, until she quit
struggling and lay limply over his lap, crying softly. Then he finally
lifted her off his lap and let her weep into his shoulder a moment.
Once she began to calm a bit, he stood her up and led her back into the kitchen.
"Almost done, brat. I am sure, Quite Sure, that when I am done you
will not be greeting Santa EVER AGAIN in such a shameless outfit!!" With
that he bent her over her table and drew off his belt. "How many days
of Christmas?"
"uh.. twelve?" she said, slightly dazed..
"Twelve it is, hohoho!" Santa chortled as he brought the belt down
upon her backside. "Eleven days, HoHoHo!" Thwack! and so on until the
last lash had landed.
"Now, Miss" Santa said, not unkindly, as he stood her up and walked
her to the corner. "You will stand here." He turned her so she was
facing the corner. "Until he comes"
She stood there, feeling confused, shamed and yet... exhilarated too...
Wonder what her lover would think, to find her standing there?
Monday, 23 December 2013
Saturday, 14 December 2013
My Letter to Santa
Dear Santa
Merry Christmas!! How are you?
With Christmas fast approaching I figured I had best write, partly out of fear and partly out of my love for you.
I have tried so very hard to be a good girl this year, Santa, I really did! But it is so very hard to be good when I am surrounded by so many perverted ladies and gents who want to be rigged and bound, teased and photographed. I couldn't help myself Santa!! To be blunt and honest, I am not sorry for my ropey times and rigging fun.
I didn't mean to sass Sir those five hundred plus times. But Santa, he sets me up, I swear!! He says the most leading things and my mouth opens and my wit pops out. Truly, not fair to count this as naughty! Besides, he enjoys my wit, my bratty sass. So... this doesn't count as naughty, right Santa? Right?
I guess though I have no excuse for the defiance on at least three occasions. I know I need to learn to put pride aside and just do what I am told. But of the four times this year he gave me a directive, I listened at least once! That counts for something, hey Santa?
I know that my school work is behind. I have a list a mile long for excuses, but really, I need to learn to prioritize things, to not take on more than I can do. Sir has kindly pointed this out a few zillion times Santa. (Should nagging perhaps be put on Sir's list of naughty behaviours?) Sir already made me pay for this, with his disapproving sighs and mini lectures on looking after myself. So we are good, Right Santa?
The only other really naughty thing I have done this year is to fantasize much about your visit this year. I love you Santa! I Love your snowy beard, your jolly laugh, your sugary kisses, your firm hand, your dashing black belt, your shiny boots.. Just thinking about you makes my belly quiver and a delicious wet feeling happen 'down there'. What girl doesn't fantasize about Santa bending her naughty self over a chair back, thrashing her jiggling backside with his world famous belt, chanting, "Now Dashit it, you Bratling! You naughty Vixen! On Christmas you'll pay, for naughty behaviour!" Knowing that once she's paid she gets her reward, forgiveness and jolly good fucking. That is how it goes, right Santa? I know I am on your blacklist but...
I have done many good things too, Santa! I have cared for my loved ones and respected (mostly) my Sir. I have given of my heart freely, learned not to fear love. I have learned to love my larger sized self, to reach out for help and not to yell. I am working on the cutting comments, and learning not to use sarcasm as my communication tool. Surely these things are worth a treat or two? All I want is rope Santa, and bunnies to tie. Perhaps more time for my Sir and a collar that I can abide.
I will stay up waiting for you Santa, all Christmas eve if need be! Perhaps I will wait, bent over a chair!!
Merry Christmas Santa!
Love from
Naughty and Nice Aropedeevil
Merry Christmas!! How are you?
With Christmas fast approaching I figured I had best write, partly out of fear and partly out of my love for you.
I have tried so very hard to be a good girl this year, Santa, I really did! But it is so very hard to be good when I am surrounded by so many perverted ladies and gents who want to be rigged and bound, teased and photographed. I couldn't help myself Santa!! To be blunt and honest, I am not sorry for my ropey times and rigging fun.
I didn't mean to sass Sir those five hundred plus times. But Santa, he sets me up, I swear!! He says the most leading things and my mouth opens and my wit pops out. Truly, not fair to count this as naughty! Besides, he enjoys my wit, my bratty sass. So... this doesn't count as naughty, right Santa? Right?
I guess though I have no excuse for the defiance on at least three occasions. I know I need to learn to put pride aside and just do what I am told. But of the four times this year he gave me a directive, I listened at least once! That counts for something, hey Santa?
I know that my school work is behind. I have a list a mile long for excuses, but really, I need to learn to prioritize things, to not take on more than I can do. Sir has kindly pointed this out a few zillion times Santa. (Should nagging perhaps be put on Sir's list of naughty behaviours?) Sir already made me pay for this, with his disapproving sighs and mini lectures on looking after myself. So we are good, Right Santa?
The only other really naughty thing I have done this year is to fantasize much about your visit this year. I love you Santa! I Love your snowy beard, your jolly laugh, your sugary kisses, your firm hand, your dashing black belt, your shiny boots.. Just thinking about you makes my belly quiver and a delicious wet feeling happen 'down there'. What girl doesn't fantasize about Santa bending her naughty self over a chair back, thrashing her jiggling backside with his world famous belt, chanting, "Now Dashit it, you Bratling! You naughty Vixen! On Christmas you'll pay, for naughty behaviour!" Knowing that once she's paid she gets her reward, forgiveness and jolly good fucking. That is how it goes, right Santa? I know I am on your blacklist but...
I have done many good things too, Santa! I have cared for my loved ones and respected (mostly) my Sir. I have given of my heart freely, learned not to fear love. I have learned to love my larger sized self, to reach out for help and not to yell. I am working on the cutting comments, and learning not to use sarcasm as my communication tool. Surely these things are worth a treat or two? All I want is rope Santa, and bunnies to tie. Perhaps more time for my Sir and a collar that I can abide.
I will stay up waiting for you Santa, all Christmas eve if need be! Perhaps I will wait, bent over a chair!!
Merry Christmas Santa!
Love from
Naughty and Nice Aropedeevil
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
Can I be Vanilla? Do I NEED this BDSM stuff?
Can I be a girlfriend in a 'normal' relationship and still have this
happy full cupboard feeling? Do I really “need” spankings and pain and
tears and subspace to be content? Do I truly require the foundation of a
power exchange dynamic to thrive in a long term relationship? Is this
just a dopamine addiction?
I recently had a long hard look at my relationship dynamic, my beliefs, my motives, my needs and my kink filled world. I picked at every aspect of my life, realizing for the first time that BDSM is a main part off my day to day existence. My friends are part of my BDSM community. What family I have left are all aware and supportive of my lifestyle. My partner is my Sir, we share a home. We host a local group and try to promote safe BDSM play and encourage discussions on all sorts of BDSM topics. My finances include a budget for traveling to events, my education has a BDSM bent as well. Part of my income is from BDSM items.
I tried to picture my world vanilla.
I tried to remember when it was vanilla.
Was I every really 'vanilla'?
Even when I found my first husband, I was not vanilla. I had these desires and cravings that no one else seemed to have (mostly spankings, lots and lots of spankings). I wanted a power exchange (I didn't call it that then, of course). I wanted a relationship with defined parameters, in which I could defer to him and rely upon him to respect my deference. I wanted rules and fun spankings and punishment. I wanted him to be the sort of person who has enough integrity and maturity that I could respect and follow him. I did not have the terminology, nor the understanding of how to get from point A to point B, but lack of knowledge does not a Muggle make.
Even as we divorced, each lost in our non power exchange cycle of abuse and martyrdom, I was not vanilla. In our division of goods we fought not over toasters and golf clubs, but over floggers and paddles. We both mourned not just the loss of our relationship, but the loss of our kinky playmate. Our decisions to settle division of assets without overly involving lawyers was based on fear of repercussions due to our spanking activities. The little we had learned over the years regarding BDSM communication at our one event (Lupercalia) came in handy during our divorce. Being exposed to people who communicate civilly with past partners in the BDSM community helped us to stay civil.
While in my second marriage I was not vanilla, although I tried so very hard to be. I hated the lack of power structure. I resented the lack of open discussion and the lack of fun play. I resented that I could not pack away my desire for spanking fun with the seeming nonchalance that my then husband did. I felt repressed, and disdained for the needs that he once found attractive and now found 'odd' and 'unhealthy'. I spent a great part of this marriage feeling ashamed and alone.
It was within this marriage, however, that I began to really examine my self, to realize and then come to terms with my own needs and desires. It was in this sexless and loveless marriage that I realized that vanilla relationships are not meeting my needs, and I am not meeting my partner's needs. It was in those last months that I determined that with two marriages falling to the way side-each with me as the common denominator, that I needed to look to myself. What I found, at the crux of these failed relationships, is that I am a terrible girlfriend. That without clear and agreed upon parameters I give without feeling that I get. That I simply do not enjoy non BDSM typical relationships-by nature most people seem to choose polite over honest, ambiguity over blunt statements, sneaking and self sacrificing and assumptions and miscommunication. I hated it all. I hated that I felt as if I could not share my honest thoughts and feelings. The passive aggressive mannerisms and words created a burning pit of wrongness in my belly.
And so I came to terms with my own lack of ability to navigate the politics that come with vanilla relationships. And with that I began to really examine what I did want, what does make me thrive.
I looked at my need for spankings-really looked. I thought about my non spanking parents and wondered why, even as a youngster spanking was an erotic wonderful thing for me. I picked apart my spanking fetish, looking for a cause. I never found a cause.
Then I looked at what I am like before during and after. I considered how I am full of energy after, happy and content and how I feel so damned safe after. I faced my before spanking self with a bit of a cringe, noting that I am irritable, tired, depressed even.. That I feel shame and discouragement.
(Keep in mind I am talking about there being nearly a year between one spanking and the next).
I poked at that. I wondered if it was because without the beating I feel guilty.
I don't believe that to be true, at least not for me.
I wondered if this was some sort of Daddy/daughter issue, if I was just wanting to be cared about in that way that a parent cares for their child. I don't believe this is true of me either. That kind of age play actually leaves me cold. Teacher student? hellz yes. Daddy or uncle?? eeeeekkk!!! Not for me.
What I do know, is that I love the physical part of spanking. The sensations often cause me to orgasm. I know that I love the emotional aspects-from feeling accepted (my weird spanko parts and all) by my playmate, the freedom to revel in the sensation and just enjoy it without worry about their opinion of me is amazing, liberating as hell. The emotional part.... I do feel cared for and nurtured; someone is taking the time to meet my needs which in my mind is caring and nurturing. The mind fuck of it. I feel so helpless and vulnerable. I know that I have safe words, but the trust that needs to be given (will he stop?? really??). That moment of trepidation, the awkwardness of being tugged over a lap or bent over a bench (or whatever)... Hot hot hot. Being treated in such an undignified manner... oh my fucking gawd hot.
I poked at what I want in the relationship itself. That I want someone who takes charge; but only if they are worth following. Someone who won't boss me for the fuck of it, but with purpose. Someone who wants to grow with me, not help me grow then feel left out.
I wanted rules.
Clearly defined rules.
Rules without impeding on my ability to be who I am. I don't need someone to tell me how to eat, dress, be a mom or a student. No thanks.
My dear friend held my hand throughout, encouraging me to not only accept my kinky nature but to cherish it as well. Just as I began to accept who I was my husband left.
Then I was single. After a period of man-hating anger (sorry guys, but I oh so did go through a short but intense period of really hating men.. so much easier to blame the penis than to look at my own approach and relationship blunders and self delusions. Once I moved past the blaming stage and was ready to explore this BDSM playground, I placed adds in the kinky personals (not POF).
My add clearly stated that I was seeking a male playmate who was firm, yet generous spirited; who would spank me thoroughly and explore other BDSM interests with me. Rather than seek sex (and believe me I wanted to seek sex) I bartered for play, with no expectations or pressure for sex.
I went to Lupercalia, took every class, got my first dungeon spanking ever. Enjoyed it so much I was begging for another the next day. I even did some topping, reselling in the feel of doing so, near as much as I did being ass up on the bench.
I met some amazing people (you know who you are) and had some amazing times. More importantly I was really beginning to believe that I could play like this, with sessions of power exchange fun, and have my needs met without the abuse that I was finding in vanilla dating.
Hurrah!!
Then I met Firm-Hand-Buddha
A student, like me, just beginning on his career path. A fellow pervert. A patient but firm man. A communicator... oh my I love his words... we connected quickly, that spark was just there..
We built what we have now, our 'non relationship' as 'non boyfriend' and 'non girlfriend', upon the power exchange dynamic. And I fought the forming of this non relationship every step of the way.
I was terrified.
He calmed my fears by behaving with integrity, by being consistent and bearing no malice to any.
He smiled patiently.
He teased gently.
He held me when I needed holding.
He hurt me when I needed pain.
He took responsibility for his own shit.
He showed me that being honest with each other was a beautiful thing, not a trick to find ammunition to hurt me later.
He trusted me and showed himself to be trustworthy.
He is my Sir. I take care of him.
He takes care of me.
I give him the use of my body.
He cherishes that use and nurtures my body.
I nurture him with my care of the home.
He rewards that nurturing by acknowledging it for what it is.
I submit.
He dominates.
I yield.
He hurts me just right.
I suggest, ask, comment, communicate, acknowledge and defer.
He suggests, asks, comments, communicates, orders and directs.
We engage in BDSM style activities all day.
In the order in which we are served our dinner, in the manner we make choices when we do not agree, in our speech and in our body language we are in our power exchange.
He casually uses pressure points regardless of where we are.
If we remove all that... well I will be honest.
I am not sure what there is left.
Love, certainly.
Caring.
But the power exchange IS our relationship framework.
I lean on that framework.
I count on it to be there.
Yanking away that framework would wound the trust I have for him. It would leave me shaken, unsure and scared.
Our every day is BDSM... every damned day. This is a lifestyle, not a hobby, at least in our relationship.
When we can't fuck due to kids in the house (we can quietly make out still, but not the way we like otherwise) the rest of the power exchange is there to carry us through. I know I can ask respectfully for play, and that he can agree, decline or negotiate a different time. We have written and agreed upon protocols to remind us of our commitment to one another, and those protocols help me to feel safe and cherished, and to know that what I do reminds him he is safe and cherished (and absolutely adored and respected).
When there are opportunities to bicker, the power exchange is there to restore peace.
When I am cranky and he points this out, the power exchange framework is there to do so safely-and I am able to hear his words without merely reacting defensively.
When he is cranky and just needs to be sexually spoiled, the framework is there for him to take what he needs, and because of that framework this taking is actually giving-it makes me feel good.
That comes down and you have two people with their most common link removed.
Can I be a girlfriend in a 'normal' relationship and still have this happy full cupboard feeling?
No, I don't think I can. I am not 'normal' I am a card carrying pervert. Being in this power exchange with an amazing partner gives me that full cupboard feeling. That D/s that I like to call 'play' is actually our whole world.
Do I really “need” spankings and pain and tears and subspace to be content?
Yes... I really do. Those spankings and pain and tears and subspace are part of my sexuality. I do need them to be content. Just like I need touch and kisses and hair pulling and hugs and nibbles.
Do I truly require the foundation of a power exchange dynamic to thrive in a long term relationship?
Yes. Fucking yes. If long term is what is going on, for me it needs to be a power exchange. It works for me. It works for us. That framework cradles us, challenges us and connects us. I require that framework in order to blossom within the relationship, rather than being just another woman sacrificing her self to be with someone. I have never felt this good with another person in my space. I have never felt this connected to another. I have never felt so valued, nor valued another in this way.
Is this just a dopamine addiction?
I really do not believe it is. Don't get me wrong, I like the dopamine, yum yum..
But kneeling on the floor waiting for an hour, making dinner and knowing I am doing what I am directed and pleasing him, feeling him posses every inch of my body, knowing that his words are honest and his intent is pure.. these things are just as amazing as the impact play and the pain play.
So no... I don't think I can be happy in a strictly vanilla relationship. I think my spirit flies in the framework I have now-a 24/7 P/E with FHB, who earns every bit of respect and cherishes me dearly.
I recently had a long hard look at my relationship dynamic, my beliefs, my motives, my needs and my kink filled world. I picked at every aspect of my life, realizing for the first time that BDSM is a main part off my day to day existence. My friends are part of my BDSM community. What family I have left are all aware and supportive of my lifestyle. My partner is my Sir, we share a home. We host a local group and try to promote safe BDSM play and encourage discussions on all sorts of BDSM topics. My finances include a budget for traveling to events, my education has a BDSM bent as well. Part of my income is from BDSM items.
I tried to picture my world vanilla.
I tried to remember when it was vanilla.
Was I every really 'vanilla'?
Even when I found my first husband, I was not vanilla. I had these desires and cravings that no one else seemed to have (mostly spankings, lots and lots of spankings). I wanted a power exchange (I didn't call it that then, of course). I wanted a relationship with defined parameters, in which I could defer to him and rely upon him to respect my deference. I wanted rules and fun spankings and punishment. I wanted him to be the sort of person who has enough integrity and maturity that I could respect and follow him. I did not have the terminology, nor the understanding of how to get from point A to point B, but lack of knowledge does not a Muggle make.
Even as we divorced, each lost in our non power exchange cycle of abuse and martyrdom, I was not vanilla. In our division of goods we fought not over toasters and golf clubs, but over floggers and paddles. We both mourned not just the loss of our relationship, but the loss of our kinky playmate. Our decisions to settle division of assets without overly involving lawyers was based on fear of repercussions due to our spanking activities. The little we had learned over the years regarding BDSM communication at our one event (Lupercalia) came in handy during our divorce. Being exposed to people who communicate civilly with past partners in the BDSM community helped us to stay civil.
While in my second marriage I was not vanilla, although I tried so very hard to be. I hated the lack of power structure. I resented the lack of open discussion and the lack of fun play. I resented that I could not pack away my desire for spanking fun with the seeming nonchalance that my then husband did. I felt repressed, and disdained for the needs that he once found attractive and now found 'odd' and 'unhealthy'. I spent a great part of this marriage feeling ashamed and alone.
It was within this marriage, however, that I began to really examine my self, to realize and then come to terms with my own needs and desires. It was in this sexless and loveless marriage that I realized that vanilla relationships are not meeting my needs, and I am not meeting my partner's needs. It was in those last months that I determined that with two marriages falling to the way side-each with me as the common denominator, that I needed to look to myself. What I found, at the crux of these failed relationships, is that I am a terrible girlfriend. That without clear and agreed upon parameters I give without feeling that I get. That I simply do not enjoy non BDSM typical relationships-by nature most people seem to choose polite over honest, ambiguity over blunt statements, sneaking and self sacrificing and assumptions and miscommunication. I hated it all. I hated that I felt as if I could not share my honest thoughts and feelings. The passive aggressive mannerisms and words created a burning pit of wrongness in my belly.
And so I came to terms with my own lack of ability to navigate the politics that come with vanilla relationships. And with that I began to really examine what I did want, what does make me thrive.
I looked at my need for spankings-really looked. I thought about my non spanking parents and wondered why, even as a youngster spanking was an erotic wonderful thing for me. I picked apart my spanking fetish, looking for a cause. I never found a cause.
Then I looked at what I am like before during and after. I considered how I am full of energy after, happy and content and how I feel so damned safe after. I faced my before spanking self with a bit of a cringe, noting that I am irritable, tired, depressed even.. That I feel shame and discouragement.
(Keep in mind I am talking about there being nearly a year between one spanking and the next).
I poked at that. I wondered if it was because without the beating I feel guilty.
I don't believe that to be true, at least not for me.
I wondered if this was some sort of Daddy/daughter issue, if I was just wanting to be cared about in that way that a parent cares for their child. I don't believe this is true of me either. That kind of age play actually leaves me cold. Teacher student? hellz yes. Daddy or uncle?? eeeeekkk!!! Not for me.
What I do know, is that I love the physical part of spanking. The sensations often cause me to orgasm. I know that I love the emotional aspects-from feeling accepted (my weird spanko parts and all) by my playmate, the freedom to revel in the sensation and just enjoy it without worry about their opinion of me is amazing, liberating as hell. The emotional part.... I do feel cared for and nurtured; someone is taking the time to meet my needs which in my mind is caring and nurturing. The mind fuck of it. I feel so helpless and vulnerable. I know that I have safe words, but the trust that needs to be given (will he stop?? really??). That moment of trepidation, the awkwardness of being tugged over a lap or bent over a bench (or whatever)... Hot hot hot. Being treated in such an undignified manner... oh my fucking gawd hot.
I poked at what I want in the relationship itself. That I want someone who takes charge; but only if they are worth following. Someone who won't boss me for the fuck of it, but with purpose. Someone who wants to grow with me, not help me grow then feel left out.
I wanted rules.
Clearly defined rules.
Rules without impeding on my ability to be who I am. I don't need someone to tell me how to eat, dress, be a mom or a student. No thanks.
My dear friend held my hand throughout, encouraging me to not only accept my kinky nature but to cherish it as well. Just as I began to accept who I was my husband left.
Then I was single. After a period of man-hating anger (sorry guys, but I oh so did go through a short but intense period of really hating men.. so much easier to blame the penis than to look at my own approach and relationship blunders and self delusions. Once I moved past the blaming stage and was ready to explore this BDSM playground, I placed adds in the kinky personals (not POF).
My add clearly stated that I was seeking a male playmate who was firm, yet generous spirited; who would spank me thoroughly and explore other BDSM interests with me. Rather than seek sex (and believe me I wanted to seek sex) I bartered for play, with no expectations or pressure for sex.
I went to Lupercalia, took every class, got my first dungeon spanking ever. Enjoyed it so much I was begging for another the next day. I even did some topping, reselling in the feel of doing so, near as much as I did being ass up on the bench.
I met some amazing people (you know who you are) and had some amazing times. More importantly I was really beginning to believe that I could play like this, with sessions of power exchange fun, and have my needs met without the abuse that I was finding in vanilla dating.
Hurrah!!
Then I met Firm-Hand-Buddha
A student, like me, just beginning on his career path. A fellow pervert. A patient but firm man. A communicator... oh my I love his words... we connected quickly, that spark was just there..
We built what we have now, our 'non relationship' as 'non boyfriend' and 'non girlfriend', upon the power exchange dynamic. And I fought the forming of this non relationship every step of the way.
I was terrified.
He calmed my fears by behaving with integrity, by being consistent and bearing no malice to any.
He smiled patiently.
He teased gently.
He held me when I needed holding.
He hurt me when I needed pain.
He took responsibility for his own shit.
He showed me that being honest with each other was a beautiful thing, not a trick to find ammunition to hurt me later.
He trusted me and showed himself to be trustworthy.
He is my Sir. I take care of him.
He takes care of me.
I give him the use of my body.
He cherishes that use and nurtures my body.
I nurture him with my care of the home.
He rewards that nurturing by acknowledging it for what it is.
I submit.
He dominates.
I yield.
He hurts me just right.
I suggest, ask, comment, communicate, acknowledge and defer.
He suggests, asks, comments, communicates, orders and directs.
We engage in BDSM style activities all day.
In the order in which we are served our dinner, in the manner we make choices when we do not agree, in our speech and in our body language we are in our power exchange.
He casually uses pressure points regardless of where we are.
If we remove all that... well I will be honest.
I am not sure what there is left.
Love, certainly.
Caring.
But the power exchange IS our relationship framework.
I lean on that framework.
I count on it to be there.
Yanking away that framework would wound the trust I have for him. It would leave me shaken, unsure and scared.
Our every day is BDSM... every damned day. This is a lifestyle, not a hobby, at least in our relationship.
When we can't fuck due to kids in the house (we can quietly make out still, but not the way we like otherwise) the rest of the power exchange is there to carry us through. I know I can ask respectfully for play, and that he can agree, decline or negotiate a different time. We have written and agreed upon protocols to remind us of our commitment to one another, and those protocols help me to feel safe and cherished, and to know that what I do reminds him he is safe and cherished (and absolutely adored and respected).
When there are opportunities to bicker, the power exchange is there to restore peace.
When I am cranky and he points this out, the power exchange framework is there to do so safely-and I am able to hear his words without merely reacting defensively.
When he is cranky and just needs to be sexually spoiled, the framework is there for him to take what he needs, and because of that framework this taking is actually giving-it makes me feel good.
That comes down and you have two people with their most common link removed.
Can I be a girlfriend in a 'normal' relationship and still have this happy full cupboard feeling?
No, I don't think I can. I am not 'normal' I am a card carrying pervert. Being in this power exchange with an amazing partner gives me that full cupboard feeling. That D/s that I like to call 'play' is actually our whole world.
Do I really “need” spankings and pain and tears and subspace to be content?
Yes... I really do. Those spankings and pain and tears and subspace are part of my sexuality. I do need them to be content. Just like I need touch and kisses and hair pulling and hugs and nibbles.
Do I truly require the foundation of a power exchange dynamic to thrive in a long term relationship?
Yes. Fucking yes. If long term is what is going on, for me it needs to be a power exchange. It works for me. It works for us. That framework cradles us, challenges us and connects us. I require that framework in order to blossom within the relationship, rather than being just another woman sacrificing her self to be with someone. I have never felt this good with another person in my space. I have never felt this connected to another. I have never felt so valued, nor valued another in this way.
Is this just a dopamine addiction?
I really do not believe it is. Don't get me wrong, I like the dopamine, yum yum..
But kneeling on the floor waiting for an hour, making dinner and knowing I am doing what I am directed and pleasing him, feeling him posses every inch of my body, knowing that his words are honest and his intent is pure.. these things are just as amazing as the impact play and the pain play.
So no... I don't think I can be happy in a strictly vanilla relationship. I think my spirit flies in the framework I have now-a 24/7 P/E with FHB, who earns every bit of respect and cherishes me dearly.
Thursday, 4 July 2013
Are we doing this D/s thing wrong?
Sir,
I think we must be doing this wrong.
More to the point, either You are doing this wrong or I am not a twu submissive.
I read so many of the forums, I belonged to several groups, I asked questions, I had (and still have) mentors. In these groups we often would talk about the struggles that can come with full time power exchanges and I would find myself remaining very silent. Not because I myself don't struggle, but because their struggles seem.... well downplayed to say the least. Sometimes they even seem trivial.
"How do you cope when He/She asks you to do a chore you hate?" is a common theme. To me this is a no brainer. I do the same thing when I have a chore to do that I hate and You don't tell me to do it. I do it. This is part of life, right? Doing things that are not fun? I mean, chores are called that because they are chores.
And I will go a step further... the only time You ever have to 'tell' me to do a chore it is because I have been slacking, behind, or whatever. In those cases I feel bad immediately because I SHIRKED SOMETHING. I feel I let myself down, and thus by extension YOU. I don't struggle with this. There is nothing to struggle against. I recognize, make a note to improve it and move on.
"How do you manage your dissapointment/distress/discomfort when He demands you to wear something you don't like." Um... depends on why I don't like it I suppose. If I have a valid concern or objection I voice it. We discuss it. Otherwise I assume you have your reasons. I mean... if choosing what I wear (be this a protocol for day to day or just for during a scene) is part of our power exchange then I actually made that choice, right?
"How do you deal with Him/Her asking you for sexual service that you don't want to do" What? I talk about it. If I don't want to do some sort of sexual act with You it is either outside of my limits (which You would of course not expect nor ask for), or I have a reason (I am sick as hell, for example) and need to share this reason. Are there secret crazy sex things that these other subs get asked to do that I don't know about? If so my feelings are hurt that You, my Sir, have not asked me for such naughty things.
Again, taking this a step further, perhaps some of the posters are referring to that lack of desire that can occur when a relationship is not being maintained. This is not a power exchange problem though, in my opinion, but more of a relationship problem. Such things should be discussed well before the resentment and not attracted don't wanna touch you stage, right? Right Sir?
Seriously though, they never seem to really struggle with submission. They don't seem to ever wake up and feel non compliant, to really struggle with the fundamental aspect. They don't seem to wonder if they submit too much, or struggle to accept their need to submit.
I don't see posts on that moment of "FUCK YOU" when their Sir/Ma'am orders them to do something that pricks their pride. I have not read of anyone who blushes over certain indignities and has yet found a way to gracefully submit to some aspects of being a toy to play with, clean, poke at and inspect.
No one seems to be talking about how to deal with those hurt feelings when play does not happen, or hurt feelings when one is corrected by their Sir/Ma'am, or hurt feelings when You don't seem interested and I need NEED YOUR attention.
Certainly I seem to be the only one that struggles with the balance of submitting to You while still being able to ask for my needs to be met too. The line between communicating and overstepping. I also seem to be the only one who struggles with the idea of trusting you to not ask of me what is not good for me, but not also not expecting you to mind read.
Is submitting 24/7 really that easy for everyone else? That their biggest problem is not being 'in the mood' once in awhile, or having to do chores they don't like? Does no one else ever have selfish moments when they want the type of play they want, or the type of sex they want, or the flipping food they want? Days or moments when they feel obstinate, stubborn or resentful? Moments when they wonder if they are really doing what is right for them? For their partner?
NEVER?
Perhaps we are doing this wrong.. Or more to the point Sir, You must be doing this wrong. Or perhaps I am not a twu sub... that having my own wants and desires that sometimes feel larger than my ability to obey makes me a non sub.
Or perhaps no one likes to admit they struggle with these things, in case someone points at them and accuses them of also not being a twu submissive.
I think we must be doing this wrong.
More to the point, either You are doing this wrong or I am not a twu submissive.
I read so many of the forums, I belonged to several groups, I asked questions, I had (and still have) mentors. In these groups we often would talk about the struggles that can come with full time power exchanges and I would find myself remaining very silent. Not because I myself don't struggle, but because their struggles seem.... well downplayed to say the least. Sometimes they even seem trivial.
"How do you cope when He/She asks you to do a chore you hate?" is a common theme. To me this is a no brainer. I do the same thing when I have a chore to do that I hate and You don't tell me to do it. I do it. This is part of life, right? Doing things that are not fun? I mean, chores are called that because they are chores.
And I will go a step further... the only time You ever have to 'tell' me to do a chore it is because I have been slacking, behind, or whatever. In those cases I feel bad immediately because I SHIRKED SOMETHING. I feel I let myself down, and thus by extension YOU. I don't struggle with this. There is nothing to struggle against. I recognize, make a note to improve it and move on.
"How do you manage your dissapointment/distress/discomfort when He demands you to wear something you don't like." Um... depends on why I don't like it I suppose. If I have a valid concern or objection I voice it. We discuss it. Otherwise I assume you have your reasons. I mean... if choosing what I wear (be this a protocol for day to day or just for during a scene) is part of our power exchange then I actually made that choice, right?
"How do you deal with Him/Her asking you for sexual service that you don't want to do" What? I talk about it. If I don't want to do some sort of sexual act with You it is either outside of my limits (which You would of course not expect nor ask for), or I have a reason (I am sick as hell, for example) and need to share this reason. Are there secret crazy sex things that these other subs get asked to do that I don't know about? If so my feelings are hurt that You, my Sir, have not asked me for such naughty things.
Again, taking this a step further, perhaps some of the posters are referring to that lack of desire that can occur when a relationship is not being maintained. This is not a power exchange problem though, in my opinion, but more of a relationship problem. Such things should be discussed well before the resentment and not attracted don't wanna touch you stage, right? Right Sir?
Seriously though, they never seem to really struggle with submission. They don't seem to ever wake up and feel non compliant, to really struggle with the fundamental aspect. They don't seem to wonder if they submit too much, or struggle to accept their need to submit.
I don't see posts on that moment of "FUCK YOU" when their Sir/Ma'am orders them to do something that pricks their pride. I have not read of anyone who blushes over certain indignities and has yet found a way to gracefully submit to some aspects of being a toy to play with, clean, poke at and inspect.
No one seems to be talking about how to deal with those hurt feelings when play does not happen, or hurt feelings when one is corrected by their Sir/Ma'am, or hurt feelings when You don't seem interested and I need NEED YOUR attention.
Certainly I seem to be the only one that struggles with the balance of submitting to You while still being able to ask for my needs to be met too. The line between communicating and overstepping. I also seem to be the only one who struggles with the idea of trusting you to not ask of me what is not good for me, but not also not expecting you to mind read.
Is submitting 24/7 really that easy for everyone else? That their biggest problem is not being 'in the mood' once in awhile, or having to do chores they don't like? Does no one else ever have selfish moments when they want the type of play they want, or the type of sex they want, or the flipping food they want? Days or moments when they feel obstinate, stubborn or resentful? Moments when they wonder if they are really doing what is right for them? For their partner?
NEVER?
Perhaps we are doing this wrong.. Or more to the point Sir, You must be doing this wrong. Or perhaps I am not a twu sub... that having my own wants and desires that sometimes feel larger than my ability to obey makes me a non sub.
Or perhaps no one likes to admit they struggle with these things, in case someone points at them and accuses them of also not being a twu submissive.
Tuesday, 11 June 2013
Stingray Paddle... oh my oh my
Our package arrived Friday (already open!! Darn postal system!) Our StingRay Paddle from Thorgeir.
I continued my day, but my thoughts kept straying back to our new
goodie with anticipation. (I know, I know...in all the stories the girl
is upset, scared and hates whatever implement her Stern Sir has
received. Not me..sorry)
Much later... when Sir and I were alone, we popped on an episode of True Blood (I don't care!! I like It!) and I gleefully crawled over FHB's lap. The devious man decided to use the wood side for warm up, in his typical brisk fashion... Oh. My. Freaking. Gawd. That paddle has a bit of an impact. For the next few minutes I was seriously reconsidering my long time fetish of being spanked. That thing hurts. It is polished to a smooth, non sticky finish. I am assuming that it feels as if you are not swinging it, because it seemed to be landing excessively firmly.
Once Sir figured my skin was warm sigh he flipped that devil paddle over. For the rest of our 45 minutes and 52 second of "test the paddle" time, I was treated to the amazing sensation of stingray leather upon leather butt.
I am in love.
Truly.
The first swat stings, like any paddle. Then just as the next one is landing there is this interesting as hell sensation. EVERY BIT of texture on that leather does a stingy tingle. So.. you get that sting that leaves those amazing sensations on the skin's surface AND you get the THUD of the wood and all the erogenous stimulation from that.
BLISS.
Sir tends to have a rather... uh... rhythmic style of paddling. He was not swinging hard, mind you... but due to the tempo I was wriggling and gasping, squeaking and whimpering. That was challenging, but could have continued for a good long while. When (at my request, because I am a glutton for real) Sir moved to harder thwacks with longer pauses, the skin danced with sensation. The thud from that paddle is so amazing. The stingray.. well it is sexy as heck. I am sure that it was only ten minutes of heavier strikes before I was begging.... done.
Sir posted under that pic that I am 'sensitive to touch' which does not cover it. the next morning (and that is AFTER amazing aftercare) I went to roll over and my whole body tensed in shock as the mere flexing of leg muscles created an intense sensation of skin being too tight and... well... it felt as if my skin had pebbles of welts upon it, over every inch of my ass and thighs.
Although as I went through my day the tightness wore off rather quickly (walking is amazingly good for that) the pebbly welted sensation remained. At 1030 last night when I sat on my stairs (which are textured stoned coated) I squealed. This morning, wrapped in a towel, the feeling of the towel across my skin is very... unusual.
I love my new paddle. I highly recommend this paddle-seriously-it was worth every penny.
Much later... when Sir and I were alone, we popped on an episode of True Blood (I don't care!! I like It!) and I gleefully crawled over FHB's lap. The devious man decided to use the wood side for warm up, in his typical brisk fashion... Oh. My. Freaking. Gawd. That paddle has a bit of an impact. For the next few minutes I was seriously reconsidering my long time fetish of being spanked. That thing hurts. It is polished to a smooth, non sticky finish. I am assuming that it feels as if you are not swinging it, because it seemed to be landing excessively firmly.
Once Sir figured my skin was warm sigh he flipped that devil paddle over. For the rest of our 45 minutes and 52 second of "test the paddle" time, I was treated to the amazing sensation of stingray leather upon leather butt.
I am in love.
Truly.
The first swat stings, like any paddle. Then just as the next one is landing there is this interesting as hell sensation. EVERY BIT of texture on that leather does a stingy tingle. So.. you get that sting that leaves those amazing sensations on the skin's surface AND you get the THUD of the wood and all the erogenous stimulation from that.
BLISS.
Sir tends to have a rather... uh... rhythmic style of paddling. He was not swinging hard, mind you... but due to the tempo I was wriggling and gasping, squeaking and whimpering. That was challenging, but could have continued for a good long while. When (at my request, because I am a glutton for real) Sir moved to harder thwacks with longer pauses, the skin danced with sensation. The thud from that paddle is so amazing. The stingray.. well it is sexy as heck. I am sure that it was only ten minutes of heavier strikes before I was begging.... done.
Sir posted under that pic that I am 'sensitive to touch' which does not cover it. the next morning (and that is AFTER amazing aftercare) I went to roll over and my whole body tensed in shock as the mere flexing of leg muscles created an intense sensation of skin being too tight and... well... it felt as if my skin had pebbles of welts upon it, over every inch of my ass and thighs.
Although as I went through my day the tightness wore off rather quickly (walking is amazingly good for that) the pebbly welted sensation remained. At 1030 last night when I sat on my stairs (which are textured stoned coated) I squealed. This morning, wrapped in a towel, the feeling of the towel across my skin is very... unusual.
I love my new paddle. I highly recommend this paddle-seriously-it was worth every penny.
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
Struggling
I am struggling.
For the last year (or nearly a year) I have had the great luck to be living with an amazing gent who shares in my pervy interests. It has been the most blissful and joyous period of my life.
Over the last few weeks things have changed. Be it me, be it him, we are not connecting on that power exchange level that fills me with self acceptance, joy, and that 'full cupboard' feeling. We instead are more like room mates, passing in the hallway but yet not connected. Play as decreased rapidly to its current state of non existence.
Have I once again broken a man? I have taken a man who loved sex, loved to play laugh and cause me the most exquisite pain, and I have broken him.. I have turned him into (prepare yourself...)...
A muggle.
A muggle who wants a vanilla relationship with me (for now? forever? till I freak? not...sure...)
Once again, I have improved my personal self, only to find myself alone in a house with the person I am with.
First time (first marriage) I lost 55 lbs and started school. My marriage went from rocky but passionate, to hellacious and empty.
Second time I gained my degree, found personal growth and my marriage disintegrated.
Now I am sitting here... after being so damned determined to NEVER do this again (this being share space, be in a hearts and flowers relationship) finding that as my life comes together even more (I am getting in shape, starting to make a bit more money, nearly done my BA) that his interest may have faded.
Sigh...
No clue where I am going from here... so many things to think about, so much to consider.
Can I be in a vanilla relationship?
Do I want to?
I really don't think I can.
I will tell you one thing that will be different this time. This time I will be taking this to my Sir. I will be sharing my hurt, my fear and my burden with him.
Monday, 3 June 2013
Being a Rope Top/Rigger and Sexism?
I am very aware that sexism exists, inside and out of the BDSM
community. Such is the way of the world, although things are changing
and improving (slowly), sexism is alive and well, and up here in
Northern BC it is thriving.
As a RWV (Rigger With Vagina) I really expected to be on the receiving end of sexist remarks and attitude. I started a local rope group, expecting offers to be tied up, rather than volunteers to let me tie them. I went to Ropegasm with my Sir as my practice bunny, I did not advertise for a bunny for the event because I assumed that no one would agree to go with a RWV with little experience. In my defense we went with another couple and my Sir did volunteer to let me practice on him. What good little submissive doesn't jump on that?
Seriously though.
As a Rope Top/Rigger who happens to have a Vagina, sexism can work in my favor though. I am NEVER short bunnies. I get to not only tie my bunnies, but make them squeal, squeak and purr. I have male and female bunnies. Some very shy ladies have let me tie them. I have tied gals who are homophobic (to varying degrees). I have done sexy dirty ties and very sterile ties. I tie myself, my friends, my teddies, my pillow, my jacket, my Sir, and once tried to tie the cat (he IS a sexist jerk and won't let me)
The only sexism I run across is stray pm's from men who assume that because I have a vagina my rigging is just a way for me to get some dick. Surely I use rope so that I can have some man I never met hump my leg, right? Or as one guy put it, "At least be naked when you tie me, or what's the point?"
No one asks me what Man Taught Me to use rope. No one assumes that my very non rope Sir is in charge of my rope scenes. No one has messaged me asking what REAL Rigger did the work in this pic or that. No one has made me feel unwelcome when I rig in the dungeon.
Not saying that sexism in all things Rigging is not out there-just that I have not run across the things I have heard other RWV (Riggers with Vaginas) talk about.
As a RWV (Rigger With Vagina) I really expected to be on the receiving end of sexist remarks and attitude. I started a local rope group, expecting offers to be tied up, rather than volunteers to let me tie them. I went to Ropegasm with my Sir as my practice bunny, I did not advertise for a bunny for the event because I assumed that no one would agree to go with a RWV with little experience. In my defense we went with another couple and my Sir did volunteer to let me practice on him. What good little submissive doesn't jump on that?
Seriously though.
As a Rope Top/Rigger who happens to have a Vagina, sexism can work in my favor though. I am NEVER short bunnies. I get to not only tie my bunnies, but make them squeal, squeak and purr. I have male and female bunnies. Some very shy ladies have let me tie them. I have tied gals who are homophobic (to varying degrees). I have done sexy dirty ties and very sterile ties. I tie myself, my friends, my teddies, my pillow, my jacket, my Sir, and once tried to tie the cat (he IS a sexist jerk and won't let me)
The only sexism I run across is stray pm's from men who assume that because I have a vagina my rigging is just a way for me to get some dick. Surely I use rope so that I can have some man I never met hump my leg, right? Or as one guy put it, "At least be naked when you tie me, or what's the point?"
No one asks me what Man Taught Me to use rope. No one assumes that my very non rope Sir is in charge of my rope scenes. No one has messaged me asking what REAL Rigger did the work in this pic or that. No one has made me feel unwelcome when I rig in the dungeon.
Not saying that sexism in all things Rigging is not out there-just that I have not run across the things I have heard other RWV (Riggers with Vaginas) talk about.
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