After care, once explained, seems like such common sense... To be able to give someone that level of trust... to drop all those little pretenses that protect us in the work a day world... well it leaves a person quite vulnerable. When you add all those amazing emotions and intense sensations and ind play... things can get a little hairy.
So ... aftercare!! I get the concept, but after a spanking, or a playtime, I am doe eyed, sure, a bit befuddled, but SO ENERGIZED!! I want to go dance, sing in the shower, jump on the bed, talk for hours.. (I don't get to do those things, but I oh so want to!!) I have stayed on that high for days, were I glow like a girl in love LOVE love!
But... regardless of how attentive, how sweet and considerate my playmate is in gently bringing me back from taht play state to the real world, I do eventually come down a bit. (I love that I sound so experienced!!! Three months and I am a pro, really... too funny.. mind you, been getting upturned over a knee for nearly my entire adulthood...)
Anyways, I do start to come down off the glow. And something I have noticed, is right after play I feel so GOOD!! I feel safe, sexy, confident, adored,-my world is right. To me, that is what I get from subnitting.. I get that amazing feeling of rightness.
But slowly, real life leaks back in.. and I start to second guess myself a little.. Or rather, I begin to wonder if I am fun to play with, did I do ok, did I do anything wrong...and then the little girl guilt kicks in.
But because I am in this goshforsaken area, and also am still working on being a very whole and capable person, I am not in a 'relationship'. So when I do come down and need the reassurance, then what? I am finding I can go three days to two weeks before that hits me.. I work on it of course.. I remind myself that if I said or did something not to my playmates liking that it is THEIR responsiblility to say so. That I am going to have to deal with my little pile of guilt for having so much fun without marriage, lol.
Intellectually I get it. There is no reason for me to feel that anyone that I come to has to be my life meet... But I still struggle to reassure tha tlittle girl, the one that is nine, sitting at grandma's table being told that GOOD GIRLS do NOT let boys touch them..
I wonder sometimes if other women who have been married forever and then end up single and explore find themselves strugglign with this at times? I wonder too if anyone else finds that they need the aftercare hugs days later-am I just a slow processer?
Thoughts to ponder...
It is odd to me, too, that when you are setting up a play date there is all this communication, the tension is built with all those interactions before hand (hahaha, three months, and again I sound like the expert..) I quite enjoy that buildup... Then of course playtime is excellent (knock on wood, and thanks RK for keeping me safe) then there is the refactory period where there is nothing. So I wonder too if I am just suffering from withdrawl...
I guess I am allowed, after so much time skin starved, never mind actual sex, or spankigs, or playfullness or even positive attitudes... well, this whole spanko/bdsm community is like a haven for me.
Ah well.
off to study for my exams and leave this puzzle for another day.. If I
sound down, I am nt really. Stresed over my student budget and exams,
but otherwise thigns are good. Hugs and laughter
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